Stillbirth Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have been impacted by a stillbirth. A stillbirth occurs when a fetus which has died in the uterus, during labor, or during delivery exits a woman's body. For help and support, share your experiences and learn how others coped. Don't forget that you are not alone.

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gemsandjules 03/02/2013

Well, today was the day. I started packing up Gemma's room. It has been almost 4 months since I lost Gemma. We are putting our house on the market so I figured I would put her things away. I don't know that I was really ready, but I didn't want a bunch of strangers looking at and possibly touching her stuff. The realtor suggested we paint it and stage it as another bedroom. He knows what happened to Gemma and I just told him that was going too far. I don't want to paint it, especially when someone else can come in and do that easily. I know he's just doing his job but I don't have the heart to paint it and pretend it never was.

AF came to visit today too so that didn't help. I am really emotional again. I've been doing pretty well but putting her things into bins sucked. All the little binkies, bears, pretty dresses...it's terrible. I'm not sure if I'm ready to donate her things but I don't see the point in keeping things that could be used by someone. I feel like I don't want to try for any more children. I know my husband does but I am 35 and he is 37. We have two living children who light up my darkness. I could not handle losing yet another child even though I've always wanted a big family. Still, I feel like I am not only mourning the loss of Gemma and Julia but also the loss of my ability to bear children.

One step forward, two steps back...

sanitytbd 03/02/2013

I completely understand what you're saying. I've gone through that also, packing things up, grieving the loss of fertility, etc. The most cruel things people have ever said to me are things like, "Well, you can try again..." and "At least you know you can have more since you had one 12 years ago..." Because no, I don't know that I can have more. One stillbirth... then another... then grieving the loss of fertility also - it's really hard. No one seems to understand what I've gone through and continually go through emotionally.

All our baby stuff is packed up now. I put a crib on the sidewalk a few days ago and someone snatched it up instantly. I don't know if we'll ever get the baby stuff back out, and I don't know what to do with it until then. I've seriously considered getting rid of most if it, too... but even after 2 and a half years, I'm not sure I'm ready to let go of all their things.

It sounds like you're in a similar boat, and while I think this is the first time I've met someone in a similar place as I am, I'm really sorry that you are going through this also. *big hugs* If you want to talk, I'm here.

deleted_user 03/03/2013

I totally relate to everything you have said, except my devastation happened over 21 years ago. I just had my rainbow baby last August and he is my only living child. In my case, my mom packed up all of his stuff while I was still in the hospital and I came home to an empty room. That was good because I did not have to go through the grueling process of remembering everything that belonged to him, but it was also very sad and empty to have an abandoned room. I also refused to change the paint and wall border (borders were cool in the 90's) that I had spent time decorating myself. To this day that teddy bear border is still on the wall of that room in my mom's house.
So I have 2 pieces of advice for you based on my experience. 1) Be very careful about getting rid of your daughter's stuff. I recently asked my mom for all of the stuff of my son's that she kept and all she had left was a bag full of mostly papers and a receiving blanket. Now I wish that I had something more tangible of his to show to my 2nd son and explain that it belonged to his big brother. 2) Don't make a decision about having another child now while your grief is still so raw. I had my rainbow baby at 41 years old! Wait at least a year before you make that decision.

deleted_user 03/03/2013

All I can say is: I am so there with you on so many points - the room, the stuff, the fertility, the suckiness of it all.

If you don't want to paint the room, then don't. You are the one who really cares whether or not that room gets painted and it will affect you the most.

Thank you Paigey3 for your words! I found hope in them because I am 40 years old and he was my first born. Thank you for your sound advice.

gemsandjules 03/03/2013

Oh I have been searching the darkest corners of my soul since last November. I will keep all of it for now. The nosey gossips in my life have started speculating and even asking if we will have another. Isn't it terrible how your life and mental health become the topic of conversation for everyone else. My BIL's wife keeps commenting on how pretty my daughter's clothes are. Shelby is 5 and Gemma would have had all of her clothes. Their daughter just turned 1 year. I know she is hinting at wanting Shelby's clothes. Normally, I would gladly give our hand-me-downs but I am annoyed in this case.

paigey3-thank you for the advice and congratulations on your rainbow! I'm so happy to hear some good news.

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