Stillbirth Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have been impacted by a stillbirth. A stillbirth occurs when a fetus which has died in the uterus, during labor, or during delivery exits a woman's body. For help and support, share your experiences and learn how others coped. Don't forget that you are not alone.
I posted back in March about losing my daughter Olivia at 40 weeks and 2 days on January 24th. When I made that post I feel like I had hit my lowest point. I spent day after day alone in our apartment having screaming matches with God. Clearly, I was the only one screaming which would make me even more mad. My now fiancé was back working full time and I was contemplating returning to my job. Everyone in our company was so heavily involved in our pregnancy and the thought of seeing them day to day again was nerve racking. I kept Olivia's nursery door shut and spent my days either yelling at god, reaching out to him, or working out until I lost the strength to stand.
After about 6 weeks I went back to work. It was a rough transitional period. I felt awkward and my company didn't exactly have what I had left behind waiting for me. It took a couple of weeks to get back to "normal."
For awhile we still ran into people that didn't know about us losing Olivia. That was extremely hard. I could see their face and how awful they felt for bringing that up. There's no handbook on how to go about this. Theres no right or wrong way to go about life after such a heartbreaking loss. I still have to break the news occasionally.
Mothers Day was particularly strange. I had dreamt what my first Mother's Day was going to be like and what my fiancés first Father's Day gifts would be. Without Olivia I felt pretty numb. I received many texts from loved ones wishing me a happy Mother's Day which was sweet but it made my heart ache at the same time. My then boyfriend took the day over and just kept us busy and tried to keep me laughing. We ended the day staying up late and watching movies. Just before we went to bed he proposed! It turned a very empty day into something special again.
Im writing this post because we found out that I am pregnant again. I am 19 weeks. My fiancé has been over the moon and I am trying to get there. I was extremely upset when we first found out back in April. I felt that I was tarnishing Olivia's memory for getting pregnant so soon. I felt like I was being disrespectful towards her. In my mind the baby that I wanted had already been gone and having another one was not an option.
I know now that I'm not disrespecting her and that I am making her a big sister. However, I still cannot wrap my head around this. We are supposed to find out if we are having a boy or a girl next week and I am so nervous. When I was carrying Olivia I was so excited to go to the doctor. And now I walk in and I am instantly terrified. I am in tears every time our doctor checks the baby's heartbeat. I still haven't felt the baby kick either. It's all so weird and too soon to me.
Olivia's nursery is still put up. The thought of taking it down just to prepare for someone else is so hard to believe. I can't imagine loving another baby so much with the risk of it all being taken away again.
This is supposed to be a joyful time and I find myself a mess. Do any of you moms have any advice?
My only advice would be to breathe. You are allowed to be scared but try to stay positive. Enjoy the pregnancy milestones again. No one says you have to change your nursery unless you want to. You are making Olivia a big sister and that's perfectly okay. She will be looking over you every step of the way. ❤️
My doctor is so kind and comforting. They let me come by and check for baby's heart beat when I am feeling insecure. He plans to deliver me a week or so before my due date if it is safe for the baby and myself.
I too was anxious with my pregnancy because I had had many miscarriages. It took me until 20 weeks to relax into the pregnancy. Going to be completely nerve wracking the whole pregnancy, If I ever get the chance to deliver a baby into this world again.
I find breathing techniques, gratitude, meditation, yoga, nature, exercise all help with stress.
Much love xx
where are you ladies from?
This pregnancy was very different and I felt as if I was walking on eggshells the entire time. I cried at every doctors appointment because I was terrified of the heart monitor. My fiancé and I purschased a fetal heart monitor for us to use at home and I used it A LOT. It was so comforting to hear her little heart beating whenever I felt anxious. Our doctor also had us do non stress tests twice week for the last 4 weeks of my pregnancy. I also started seeing a fetal specialist in my third trimester. Even though I was heavily monitored I still felt anxious.
The delivery was very simple, with no complications. When my doctor handed me Charlie I felt as if I could FINALLY exhale. I had been holding my breath since the day I lost my Olivia. Now I can finally breathe.
@kimber23 I am so sorry for your loss. The hurt and emptiness that you are feeling is something that I know all too well. I miss and cry for Olivia everyday. Nothing will change that. I think that we are always going to be fearful when it comes to moving forward with new pregnancies. But being able to breathe...that’s best gift I have ever been given. And I know that Olivia prepared my Charlie to come home to me. Because God knows that I needed her probably more than she will ever need me.
I am very thankful for this group. You ladies and your stories have helped me more than you’ll ever know.