I posted back in March about losing my daughter Olivia at 40 weeks and 2 days on January 24th. When I made that post I feel like I had hit my lowest point. I spent day after day alone in our apartment having screaming matches with God. Clearly, I was the only one screaming which would make me even more mad. My now fiancé was back working full time and I was contemplating returning to my job. Everyone in our company was so heavily involved in our pregnancy and the thought of seeing them day to day again was nerve racking. I kept Olivia's nursery door shut and spent my days either yelling at god, reaching out to him, or working out until I lost the strength to stand.
After about 6 weeks I went back to work. It was a rough transitional period. I felt awkward and my company didn't exactly have what I had left behind waiting for me. It took a couple of weeks to get back to "normal."
For awhile we still ran into people that didn't know about us losing Olivia. That was extremely hard. I could see their face and how awful they felt for bringing that up. There's no handbook on how to go about this. Theres no right or wrong way to go about life after such a heartbreaking loss. I still have to break the news occasionally.
Mothers Day was particularly strange. I had dreamt what my first Mother's Day was going to be like and what my fiancés first Father's Day gifts would be. Without Olivia I felt pretty numb. I received many texts from loved ones wishing me a happy Mother's Day which was sweet but it made my heart ache at the same time. My then boyfriend took the day over and just kept us busy and tried to keep me laughing. We ended the day staying up late and watching movies. Just before we went to bed he proposed! It turned a very empty day into something special again.
Im writing this post because we found out that I am pregnant again. I am 19 weeks. My fiancé has been over the moon and I am trying to get there. I was extremely upset when we first found out back in April. I felt that I was tarnishing Olivia's memory for getting pregnant so soon. I felt like I was being disrespectful towards her. In my mind the baby that I wanted had already been gone and having another one was not an option.
I know now that I'm not disrespecting her and that I am making her a big sister. However, I still cannot wrap my head around this. We are supposed to find out if we are having a boy or a girl next week and I am so nervous. When I was carrying Olivia I was so excited to go to the doctor. And now I walk in and I am instantly terrified. I am in tears every time our doctor checks the baby's heartbeat. I still haven't felt the baby kick either. It's all so weird and too soon to me.
Olivia's nursery is still put up. The thought of taking it down just to prepare for someone else is so hard to believe. I can't imagine loving another baby so much with the risk of it all being taken away again.
This is supposed to be a joyful time and I find myself a mess. Do any of you moms have any advice?
Hello,It's been over a year since I have visited this site and the stillbirth support group. I see that the site has undergone an upgrade and that is nice to see. I noticed that I didn't recognize any of the names from back when I first came across the site. My son was stillborn in 2013. I took so much comfort and strength from this support group. It truly made a difference in my...
So I'm having a bad night which in turned me to this site.I'm 42 and infertile. If I had $30k, I could probably do donor egg but I certainly don't have that. Im married 4 years and can honestly say I've been wanting a baby my whole life. A huge reason I got married. I'm only married 4 years but after going to Shady grove Fertility....they said I had less than a 1% chance of having my own child.I...