Stillbirth Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have been impacted by a stillbirth. A stillbirth occurs when a fetus which has died in the uterus, during labor, or during delivery exits a woman's body. For help and support, share your experiences and learn how others coped. Don't forget that you are not alone.
I was just thinking how a year has passed and we are doing ok. It's funny how one little thing can send you into a tailspin.
I work with a lot of people who I might only see 1-2 times per year. We might chat casually but we really don't know one another that well to know much about each other's families. I ran into someone just today who last saw me when I was pregnant with Gemma. She asked how my family was doing and how many kids I had now. Since I don't really see her that often I said "2". She then brought up that the last time she saw me, I was pregnant. All I could say was, "Has it been that long ago?" How have I lived this life with these questions for a whole year and that question still hits me like a ton of bricks!!!
I could tell that she thought I had more kids, especially since I was due with my third when I last saw her. There were other people around I didn't know and I just couldn't bring myself to start THAT conversation all over again. She probably is wondering what happened...if she was mistaken and thought I had more or if I got divorced and one belonged to him, etc. Regardless, I know that she is probably wondering about it and I just don't care to set the record straight. I guess if I see her again and no one else is around, I'll explain. That might not be until another year from now anyways.
Of course, if I am talking in private or if I am talking to someone I think will become part of our circle of friends, I always tell them about Gemma. If a random person asks, I just say two (and obviously feel guilty for not counting Gemma). It's just so hard to have to tell everyone about the most painful experience of your life-when you least expect it! And what do people ask most often-HOW MANY KIDS DO YOU HAVE??? Followed by-WHAT AGES??? Such simple questions for most people...that bring me so much anxiety and heartache. I wanted so badly to call someone and cry, but my husband is at work, and no one else, except all of you, would even understand.
Is there any better way to handle this question? You would think after a year, I'd have a better way to handle it but I stumble each and every time. And then I spend the rest of the day beating myself up over it. Much love and prayers for peace and comfort to all of you...
I work with a lot of people who I might only see 1-2 times per year. We might chat casually but we really don't know one another that well to know much about each other's families. I ran into someone just today who last saw me when I was pregnant with Gemma. She asked how my family was doing and how many kids I had now. Since I don't really see her that often I said "2". She then brought up that the last time she saw me, I was pregnant. All I could say was, "Has it been that long ago?" How have I lived this life with these questions for a whole year and that question still hits me like a ton of bricks!!!
I could tell that she thought I had more kids, especially since I was due with my third when I last saw her. There were other people around I didn't know and I just couldn't bring myself to start THAT conversation all over again. She probably is wondering what happened...if she was mistaken and thought I had more or if I got divorced and one belonged to him, etc. Regardless, I know that she is probably wondering about it and I just don't care to set the record straight. I guess if I see her again and no one else is around, I'll explain. That might not be until another year from now anyways.
Of course, if I am talking in private or if I am talking to someone I think will become part of our circle of friends, I always tell them about Gemma. If a random person asks, I just say two (and obviously feel guilty for not counting Gemma). It's just so hard to have to tell everyone about the most painful experience of your life-when you least expect it! And what do people ask most often-HOW MANY KIDS DO YOU HAVE??? Followed by-WHAT AGES??? Such simple questions for most people...that bring me so much anxiety and heartache. I wanted so badly to call someone and cry, but my husband is at work, and no one else, except all of you, would even understand.
Is there any better way to handle this question? You would think after a year, I'd have a better way to handle it but I stumble each and every time. And then I spend the rest of the day beating myself up over it. Much love and prayers for peace and comfort to all of you...
Nicole
Secretkeeper2, I am so sorry for your recent loss. I hope you can find some peace at one point. It never leaves you and he will always be part of you, but that deep pain and sorrow does get easier to cope with you. Sending you prayers love and strength xox.
Some people respond with something simple like, "Wow, you have your hands full" to the dreaded, "How old are they?" I also get asked if I have boys or girls a lot.
As to the "how old are they" question, when I get to them, I just say, "And I have two with wings." It's funny, people either don't really listen and just ask to be polite, or they don't really care. I almost never have to explain. They got their answer and are satisfied that I responded, and I rarely have probes on the two with wings. Occasionally, someone will be taken aback and say something like, "I'm so sorry," but it's much more common for someone to respond, "Wow, you must have your hands full." That's the most common answer, especially from strangers.