I'm feeling a bit okay today and hope that you all are as well. I've been trying to work on other things and get back to myself as much as humanly possible before I return to work this coming Sunday. In Feburary my lease with my apartment complex will be ending and so I will be moving out. I am trying to get all the things done that I wanted to have done for my angel baby, Zuri, before her arrival (purchasing a home, getting a new and roomier vehicle and mending my relationship with my ex-boyfriend/her dad) so that I can try for another baby with my ex within a year or two. It's still a tad shaky of whether or not he truly wants to have another baby but a lot of his "vulgar" (hint, hint) talk leads me to believe that's the case and that his variance is just him dealing with our loss (and his second loss). Additionally, he finally opened up about his feelings about losing our baby girl a little. So there's hope. He must be open to the idea to try again in some way. Who knows maybe I'll have enough room in the home that I buy and he'll move in with me after his own apartment lease is up.
I know, I know that's a LOT of wishful thinking. I'm grabbing for straws here but I'm only catching air. Also, for some unknown reason my mother found an issue with me posting on here and turning to this as a means of helping me cope. She was upset that I didn't want her to read the Daily Bread (daily Bible stories/scriptures) to me. I didn't because I told her that my heart wasn't open anymore (it was in the beginning immediately after losing her) but now, that openness has temporarily evaporated. That doesn't mean that I've stopped believing in God. I'm just... numb, only available for certain things. Anyhow she went on to have this long rant about God and maintaining hope in spiritualism when it doesn't seem to be fruitful. How everything is already preordained/destined to be. Yet, she appeared to be discussing her own troubles and outlook on the matter more than mine. It was weird. So today she sees me typing this post up, grimaces and then gives the instructions for me to continue typing. I stopped typing and said nothing the entire time she read.
It's going to be good for me to return home tomorrow and deal with my sadness/emptiness in my own way without comments or judgement like that. I love my mother dearly but that, I could do without. She's still caught on the older generations way of coping with grief and sorrow by not turning to people and simply trying to connect more with God. Sure, I should turn to God but my heart is closed because He is also the same God who took back a child that He KNEW I truly wanted and loved, in spite of all that I felt, said and went through during and prior to my pregnancy. Therefore, at this time I wish not to speak with God. That won't bring my baby back; neither will posting this. But typing out my thoughts to people who can actually ENGAGE with me is a lot more helpful than talking to the Lord (who won't speak directly back to me in the same day, week or month as you guy probably will). As I said... my heart is CLOSED... shattered into fine, little pieces...
I am, however, thankful that my child is with the Lord. Perhaps not thankful enough... because I wanted her. I loved her too.
I posted back in March about losing my daughter Olivia at 40 weeks and 2 days on January 24th. When I made that post I feel like I had hit my lowest point. I spent day after day alone in our apartment having screaming matches with God. Clearly, I was the only one screaming which would make me even more mad. My now fiancé was back working full time and I was contemplating returning to my job....