Stillbirth Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have been impacted by a stillbirth. A stillbirth occurs when a fetus which has died in the uterus, during labor, or during delivery exits a woman's body. For help and support, share your experiences and learn how others coped. Don't forget that you are not alone.
Here is my story; my husband and I were expecting a little girl in October 2014, her due date was the 13th, she was born sleeping on the 20th (also my husband's birthday). It was a natural birth, no medication, midwife, quiet and calm atmosphere of our home. Then our baby was born Anna, but that silence stung. I'll never forget the look on my husband's face.
I've never felt such defeat and failure as I did that moment. Throughout my entire pregnancy everyone was telling me I was healthy, glowing, looked great, vitals and baby looked great. The labor was describe as textbook perfect.
This was my first pregnancy. And after that moment I really felt it was my last as well. My heart shattered in more ways than even I can understand.
Fast forward a couple months, I had a semi-friend. Semi meaning we grew up together, used to be really good friends. She was the super competitive one while I was more laid back. So when I came up pregnant first, a couple months after so did she. Exciting right? I was happy for her, I knew she wanted this and I'll admit I knew she wanted it more than me. But this us where I know the competitive comes in to play, because she preached and preached about protection until your ready. Honestly, I felt like she would be mad at me if I told her i was pregnant.
To cut down the drama and to get the point, she wasn't mad, she was furious. So after I lost my baby, I lost any kind of friendship we had as well. There was just nothing to talk about. Just an elephant in the room. She had a healthy baby boy, and I'm so happy for her. But I feel like ever since I lost my baby girl, I've lost so much more in my life. I've stopped seeing so many people because I can see in their faces thinking about what's happened.
Am I the only one that's had this occurance? Or issue? It's gotten to the point where I prefer just my husband and I, not even really bring around family either.
I've never felt such defeat and failure as I did that moment. Throughout my entire pregnancy everyone was telling me I was healthy, glowing, looked great, vitals and baby looked great. The labor was describe as textbook perfect.
This was my first pregnancy. And after that moment I really felt it was my last as well. My heart shattered in more ways than even I can understand.
Fast forward a couple months, I had a semi-friend. Semi meaning we grew up together, used to be really good friends. She was the super competitive one while I was more laid back. So when I came up pregnant first, a couple months after so did she. Exciting right? I was happy for her, I knew she wanted this and I'll admit I knew she wanted it more than me. But this us where I know the competitive comes in to play, because she preached and preached about protection until your ready. Honestly, I felt like she would be mad at me if I told her i was pregnant.
To cut down the drama and to get the point, she wasn't mad, she was furious. So after I lost my baby, I lost any kind of friendship we had as well. There was just nothing to talk about. Just an elephant in the room. She had a healthy baby boy, and I'm so happy for her. But I feel like ever since I lost my baby girl, I've lost so much more in my life. I've stopped seeing so many people because I can see in their faces thinking about what's happened.
Am I the only one that's had this occurance? Or issue? It's gotten to the point where I prefer just my husband and I, not even really bring around family either.
I also have no desire to be around other friends of ours, I want talk about my son, I will never pretend he didn't exist. But knowone knows what to say. I also find it so hard to hear about other people's complaints about their jobs, or ex husbands, or traffic, because I know all to we'll that those things don't matter in my world. In my world all that matters is that Kowen should be here and he's not. He should be learning to hold his head up, and smile, he should be here in my arms and he's not. All of my relationships have changed. I feel most like myself when it's just me, my 12 year old daughter and my husband. You are not alone.
Acute grief lasts 2 and 1/2 years ... not 2 and 1/2 weeks like so many in our society thinks. It takes alot out of you ...
I think it is okay for you to take the time you need. Just know that you won't always feel this way ... what you feel is normal and you're going to get through it.
Infant loss is not unique to losing or changing relationships and friendships. So many circumstances in life will alter them. This is NORMAL ... and just part of life. Even though it doesn't seem like it now, you are going to be okay and you will even celebrate life again ... but it takes time and it's okay to give yourself the space you need.
It was hard on my husband though. His family doesn't live nearby so his friends are his surrogates. What my psychologist suggested and which helped was that initially when I felt ready was to go to events but only stay for an hour. From there we slowly increased the length of time we stayed with every subsequent event. It helped a lot. My husband understood that it was difficult to me and that he had to be ready to leave at any time if it became to much for me.
I think grief is such an overwhelming emotion, it's exhausting and all-consuming and it lands up feeling like you have nothing left for trivial things or other people. People who require 'work' if I can call it that. I wanted (and still do) to be around people that I could just be with, who didn't expect anything from me, who didn't expect me to be happy, or laughing.It's a year later and still prefer being with my husband and my parents but spending time with others doesn't fill me with dread anymore. It's such a personal journey that I don't think there's a right or wrong way to act.