Hi! 
I'm new to this group. My mom recommended that I join considering we can't actually meet with people in person right now. I attended my final doctor's appointment in March 5. I was 39 weeks and 5 days. There, we found out that my daughter didn't have a heartbeat anymore. From that moment on, it felt like an outer body experience. Having family at the hospital for a delivery that wouldn't be anything I'd ever imagined. Everything seemed so fast around me. I felt like my brain was completely numb. The next day, we were bombarded with questions that I never thought about before. Learning that my beautiful Jaci Klaire wouldn't have a birth certificate because she didn't take a breath, filling out a "death certificate" for the simple purpose of being a statistic. So many things. Thinking about cremation or burial and having 4 days to do it... just unimaginable. My daughter is still at the funeral home due to the coronavirus. We will be allowed to pick her up when this lockdown stuff is over. Then, the body issues. My body did all the work. The scars, blood, and milk to prove it. We just didn't get to have the seeet gift at the end. My heart breaks each time I look in the mirror.

I have a 5 year old daughter that has been my saving grace. I have wonderful days with her because she keeps me busy and moving, but my nights are where I cry uncontrollably and feel like no one can help. I have the most supportive family ever, but no one understands what my mind is doing and thinking of in my saddest moments. I can't get my delivery and daughter's face out of my mind. No one understands that. I pray for you all. May we all find comfort and feel God with us, knowing that he's holding our beautiful angels! My friend wrote me a letter after this happened. Someone in her family dealt with the same thing. She wrote this quote, An angel in the book of life wrote down your daughter's birth, then whispered as she closed the book "Too beautiful for Earth." I also received an ornament that said "and to think the first person she saw when she opened her eyes was Jesus." These two quotes have brought me a sense of happiness and I hope it does the same for you all, too.