Yesterday marked 3 weeks since my sweet baby was born sleeping. I was 40 weeks and 5 days when I started having contractions. I went to the hospital and after 5 minutes of them trying to find his heartbeat I was told there was no heartbeat and no blood flow to his brain. My baby had died. I was shocked. I was hysterical. I had been to the doctor the Thursday before and everything was fine, his heart was beating strong and he was moving like crazy. Then over the next few days I started feeling really weird... I was sick to my stomach, had no appotite, a headache from hell and I was tired all the time. I also noticed that he had stopped moving but I didn’t think anything of it... everything I read online said you’d feel weird before labour and that the baby would get still. Little did I know... I was suffering with preeclampsia. I had never even really heard of this and since my BP was always good I never thought it was something I needed to look at. But I should have. I’ve been on a medication for the better part of 10 years to prevent and control my migraines and it also helps maintain blood pressure. That’s why mine was never high or out of the ordinary. 

They admitted me into the hospital and started my induction that Tuesday night. Wednesday my nurse noticed that my urine had gone from almost clear to dark, dark orange. She said the doctors on duty that morning weren’t concerned, it was just the induction medicine, but she ordered a test anyway. It came back positive for preeclampsia. And guess what? I didn’t take my medication the night before! I didn’t realise the significance until after Luke was born. My mom told me that my dad had done some research and as it turns out I had had the symptoms my whole pregnancy! And I reported them to my doctors but because my BP was okay I was never tested. They never checked my urine during my appointments, they never did a pelvic exam... not even during my last week. Not even at the appointment on my due date. 

So on top of losing my first baby I am now dealing with the neglect of the clinic I was going to. I know now that they didn’t care for me the way I needed to be cared for and it caused the death of my sweet little man. I’m a first time mom, I’ve never been pregnant before and I trusted my doctors. I didn’t know that they were supposed to do urine checks. I didn’t know that you could have preeclampsia with a normal BP. I regret not going to the hospital the minute I started feeling bad. I regret not going when I felt him stop moving. I regret that I didn’t protect him the way he needed to be protected. It’s my fault. I’m grieving. I’m broken. And I’m also blaming myself. 

I don’t know how to move forward. I don’t know how to get up everyday and function. I just want to lay in bed and sleep. I haven’t been eating, I’ve had to force myself to shower. I’m so lost. How do I do this? How do I live everyday knowing that my ignorance is what took my baby? My family has been so supportive, they’re grieving with me but no one understands how I feel. They just keep telling me it wasn’t my fault but that doesn’t help me feel better. I know it was.