Stillbirth Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have been impacted by a stillbirth. A stillbirth occurs when a fetus which has died in the uterus, during labor, or during delivery exits a woman's body. For help and support, share your experiences and learn how others coped. Don't forget that you are not alone.

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My due date is approaching...

novaleesmommy
novaleesmommy
I was due on August 3rd with my beautiful little Nova-Lee Rose. I delivered her on May 21st, at 29 weeks and 2 days. This was my first pregnancy and everything was going great. We were so excited to meet our daughter. She quickly became everything to us. I loved feeling her grow and get bigger and stronger. I loved watching my body change and my belly get bigger as she did. I never took my pregnancy for granted. I loved every minute of it. on May 20th, it was a normal day. I woke up, got ready for work. Everything was how it was every day. I was feeling Nova move and she was kicking up a storm! I went to work and everything was normal. I didn't do anything differently. Then at around 730pm I started getting cramps and horrible back pain. I wasn't bleeding though. I thought maybe she was just in an awkward spot or something. I got home 10 minutes later and I was soaked with blood. I rushed to the hospital and when I got there they confirmed she was without heartbeat, 4 times. We were devastated, heartbroken.. I could not believe, I still cannot believe that I lost my daughter. My tiny little human I have been protecting and carrying in my womb for the past 7 months... I was not dilated at all when I was admitted. After 24 hours of labor, I was finally ready. My beautiful little angel was born at 9:39pm on May 21, 2015. She weighed 2.8lbs and was 15inches long. She had so much beautiful, dark hair and she looks just like her Daddy. She was/is perfect. It kills me and makes my heart hurt so badly thinking about those 2 days. It tears me apart knowing that I went through labor, I experienced everything I would have if I would have had a living baby. It breaks my heart that I didn't get to hear her cry. I didn't get to see her pretty eyes. She was so tiny. I just wanted to hold her forever. I wish we would have been able to take her home with us. I have so much jealousy and anger towards other woman who are near their due date or having their babies. That is supposed to be me too. I will never be able to be a mother to Nova. I was so ready to be her mother. To take care of her. To feed her and change her and just hold her and kiss her and dress her up in all her cute outfits. I miss her so much. I miss being pregnant so much. I miss feeling her inside of my belly. I was just starting to feel her kick me ALL the time, I miss it so damn much. I keep trying to tell myself that everything happens for a reason and that God took her because she was just too good for this world. But then I sit here and think, "is God punishing me??" I just want my baby back. I want to be a mother.
Hollywood8687
Hollywood8687
I'm so sorry. I lost my Ava and Phoenix at 22 weeks after 5 losses. I am too having a rough time. That was late January. I was devastated. I had an appointment that week and all of a sudden started bleeding very heavy and went into hard labor because of placenta abruption caused by a fibroid. I knew about it but they said it would be a very very rare thing. But it happened. I am angry now. All I want is my babies and a family. I had hyperemesis the entire pregnancy to the point I wore an iv shunt all the time for fluids. I am heartbroken. I don't personally think every thing happens for a reason. There are too many bad things (bad things things happening because of bad people like shootings and acts of terror, etc) that go on in this world, obviously that God DOESNT want to happen in my opinion but does because this world can be a bad place. Its one of those things that upsets me when people say I lost my babies for a "reason", so it doesn't really help me out much. I've been through a lot and I've experienced too much loss. I've come to the conclusion that there ARE things in this life that are going to happen that are bad, and God HELPS us handle what we come across in this life, BUT NOT that God "doesn't "give" us what we can't handle" (I've grown to hate that saying through all this especially by people who haven't been there this many times). My sister is having a baby and was pregnant at the same time. It's so hard when my son and daughter should be with us and they arent anymore. I will always love them, and I'm not letting anyone tell me "get over it" or anything like that. There are people that think I should. I also lost a daughter at 16 weeks seven years ago I'm still torn up about. I still remember her every single day. There is no time limit on grief. Don't let anyone tell you there is. You feel how you feel. Don't be afraid to express that. It's hard to loose a child for us angel mothers out there. I hope you are able to find a little peace soon. I know how hard and difficult if not impossible that was for me. I'm trying again, and not everyone is supportive. It's hard with that too.
AngelEmmaRose
AngelEmmaRose
I'm so very sorry for your loss. No single person should have to endure this heartache. My thoughts are with you and I wish you strength and courage to get through the due date.
angelamelia
angelamelia
I am so sorry for your loss. Nova-Lee Rose has a wonderful mom and dad. I'm sorry to say that the next few months will probably be the worst you'll ever experience, both physically and emotionally but we moms are unbelievably strong. July 7th will mark a year since I lost my own little Amelia (I was 40 weeks, full term, no cause was found) and I can tell you that the pain does not go away. My friend just celebrated her son's 2nd angelversary and her pain is still there as well. Your daughter will always be in your thoughts.

Your post made me cry, specifically when you mention the ache of never seeing your baby's eyes of hearing her voice. That is one of the biggest regrets I have, aside from losing her all together. We are here for you.
jenahf
jenahf
Goodness I am so sorry. I too lost my son...may 24, I was 27 weeks pregnant due August 21. Asher just stopped moving one day. I went in and no heartbeat. They believe maybe a cord accident but there is no known cause. I've been really struggling as well. And I too am so jealous of other pregnant moms. Ugh. Hang in there...it's all we can do
novaleesmommy
novaleesmommy
Thank you all for your kind words.

They told me that my placenta tore away from my uterus and I bled into her space and she, very quickly, ran out of oxygen. When I was in the hospital they made sure to make sure I understood that nothing was my fault. But sometimes I can't help but think, "did I do something wrong?" I always think about the "what ifs." What if I would have gotten to the hospital sooner? What if they would have been able to save her? Then I think about the "I wonders" and I just sit there and make a list in my head. I wonder what her eyes would have looked like? What about her smile? I wonder how her little cry would have sounded. I always wonder what her personality would have been like. That was one of the things that my boyfriend and I always talked about. It kills me that we won't ever know how she would have been..
elainesmith
elainesmith
The I wonders are so hard, I lost my baby boy Kowen April 2nd at 30 and 1/2 weeks, with no know cause. Everyday I think about how he should be here. I think about what he would be done and where he would be, I picture him in his cradle, in his car seat and most of all in my arms. He was so wanted, and so very missed... the what if's are so bad for me also, what if I would have gotten to the hospital sooner, what if I could have saved him, I should have been able to save him...I miss him and want him back so badly, today marks 12 weeks since he was born sleeping and it has been the hardest 12 weeks of my life...