Stillbirth Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have been impacted by a stillbirth. A stillbirth occurs when a fetus which has died in the uterus, during labor, or during delivery exits a woman's body. For help and support, share your experiences and learn how others coped. Don't forget that you are not alone.
My husband has a large group of friends from his hometown, which is about an hour away. There are a total of 6 couples who get together at least 3-4 times per year. My husband sees and talks to his guy friends more due to their mutual love of football. My husband went to high school and has known these people all of his life. He considers them his closest friends. I have known them over 10 years. They now act like they don't know us at all. Tomorrow makes 10 weeks since we lost Gemma. In that time, we have seen one couple out of the six. The other couples sent a memorial gift and a text here or there, but have done nothing else.
We did not have an open funeral for Gemma. We only wanted our families there. Still, our other friends who live around us have been there for us constantly, making meals, helping out with our other two children, etc. Bottom line...I expected more of them.
Finally tonight, another couple called to see how we were doing. It has been 2 1/2 months and they finally got around to calling. My husband talked to them. I couldn't. I could tell they were asking all the usual questions....how is Lauren doing, is she back to work yet, how are the kids handling it, etc. I am now so angry!!! I kept mouthing to my husband to get off the phone. I don't think they have the right to even ask these questions now. If they didn't care to ask about us within the last 10 weeks then forget it! The worst part...all of them are parents and most have 3 or more kids.
I don't want to relive this nightmare each time someone gets the guts to finally call. I can't be around these people and do the annual get togethers anymore. My husband is far more easy going than I am. It's not about forgiveness. I can forgive people for being insensitive because people have a hard time knowing what to do or say, but doing nothing at all is not being a friend at all. Therefore, they are no longer my friends. I don't know how I would even be around them and not feel uncomfortable. Anyone know how to handle this?
We did not have an open funeral for Gemma. We only wanted our families there. Still, our other friends who live around us have been there for us constantly, making meals, helping out with our other two children, etc. Bottom line...I expected more of them.
Finally tonight, another couple called to see how we were doing. It has been 2 1/2 months and they finally got around to calling. My husband talked to them. I couldn't. I could tell they were asking all the usual questions....how is Lauren doing, is she back to work yet, how are the kids handling it, etc. I am now so angry!!! I kept mouthing to my husband to get off the phone. I don't think they have the right to even ask these questions now. If they didn't care to ask about us within the last 10 weeks then forget it! The worst part...all of them are parents and most have 3 or more kids.
I don't want to relive this nightmare each time someone gets the guts to finally call. I can't be around these people and do the annual get togethers anymore. My husband is far more easy going than I am. It's not about forgiveness. I can forgive people for being insensitive because people have a hard time knowing what to do or say, but doing nothing at all is not being a friend at all. Therefore, they are no longer my friends. I don't know how I would even be around them and not feel uncomfortable. Anyone know how to handle this?
After we lost Saralynn, I put a message on my fb saying that our little princess was born an angel and that we didn't want phone calls/texts/emails right away... we needed time to ourselves. After I started getting back into the swing of things I realized I hadn't heard from some people that I thought I would. Turns out a few of them were waiting for me to approach them because of my message, they didn't know if it was okay to contact me. Now some other people, I don't know why I haven't heard from them and it upsets me. So I don't put any effort into those relationships anymore.
For those who asked what happened, sometimes I tell them exactly what happened because I'm okay with doing that. Some people don't need to know so I keep it real basic... some people are just nosey.
Try not to take it personally right away. Maybe reach out to some of them, they may think that you want to be left alone. If you don't want to relive the nightmare everyone calls then maybe they are right to leave you alone? I hope that some of the relationships can be saved. It's tough letting go of long time friends but sometimes we have to .
I have had to reevaluate my friendships and am still in the process. I have had a lot of unexpected people give love and support, so I am focusing on those folks.
It's so hard and we are so fragile right now that everything is so painful.
I do agree to try not and take it personally. Don't add to your loss the disappointment with people
Make the people who cares count, they're more important than those who don't. It's during these times that we get to see who our real friends are. I would like you to know that you, Gemma, and Julia are always in my thoughts and prayers.