This is our story.

Leading up to our 36th week things felt a little different. I worry a lot so I try my best to calm down and not get too stressed. He's done this before and everything was fine. He must just be sleeping more because of all of the growing he has been doing. I could still feel movement, just more rolling and adjustments. My at home doppler was difficult and I usually had a hard time finding the heartbeat now so I couldn't rely on it anyways. Everything is fine. Everything is fine.... I just kept telling myself that. Then I woke up one morning and just knew in my heart that everything wasn't fine. I tried to swing by the doctors office before work one morning to see if they could just check but they refused to see me there and told me if there was an issue that I had to go to the hospital, but I still tried to convince myself that it was fine and go to work anyways because it was a busy day. After all my last doctors apt was fine, so much so that they said I didn't need to go to my apt for the following week. I wish I had gone to that apt. Maybe things would be different right now.

On June 14th, the doctors office called and wanted to make sure everything was ok. I was on my way to watch our 7 year old sing for Flag Day, I had missed it the year before because of work and was determined not to miss this one. They wanted me to go to the hospital to make sure everything was ok. I was meeting my husband at the school and thought we could just go for a quick check after seeing our son sing. 

We parked my car at the movie theatre close by and headed to the hospital. No worries, this is not a big deal we will hear him and go about our day.

The first nurse couldn't find his heartbeat. She called the midwife over to try. You see the placenta was in front so sometimes its hard to find the heartbeat because of that. She couldn't find it so they went and got the ultrasound machine, it was new so they had a hard time getting it to work so they called the doctor. The doctor finally got it to work. There was my beautiful baby, not moving, not practicing to breathe as we saw a couple weeks before, no heart beat. The doctor pointed this out to us. My husband had been holding my hand and it started trembling and he started to cry. I lay there in complete shock as they wheeled me to a room. 

This wasn't real life. It was my moms birthday today, this can't be. When am I going to wake up. 

They stuck needles in me, which is usually a big deal, but I just lay there not caring because I would rather that pain or any pain than the pain my heart is feeling. I had a c-section. I layed there and prayed and prayed like I had been all day. Maybe they were wrong and I could have a miracle. But I knew there was no miracle. I could hear they cleaning and suctioning the baby, no crying, silence as I lay there alone and the doctor and nurses go about doing their job and talking about random things. I was shaking uncontrollably from the spinal. They wheeled me back to the room. 

My husband, so strong and making all the right decisions for us because I just couldn't do anything. He was and truly is my greatest strength. I love him more than ever. 

After the shaking subsided we held him, cried for him, and prayed for him. He was so beautiful and so perfect. They brought him back to the nursery. The photographer wasn't there so the nurses tried to take some pictures for us. We held him the following day, but he was dead so he didn't look very good the second time. We tried to say our final goodbyes. I asked to see him a third time. The nurse warned me that he would be cold this time. We kissed him goodbye. He was so beautiful, so perfect. 

There was a tear drop sign on my door. My  body didn't get the memo, I still had to endure everything and my milk came in too. The nurses and doctors tried to be so comforting and tell me that it wasn't my fault, sometimes this happens and we don't know why, etc. I was very sick. I had "an A-typical presentation of acute severe preeclampsia and hellp syndrome". I was discharged from the hospital into my new reality 6 days later. Then a couple days later I had to go back and get readmitted for a couple days and do it all over again. I am still recovering. 

I don't know how I will ever adjust to my new reality. It wasn't supposed to be like this. Our summer was supposed to be filled with baby snuggles and love. My son would finally have the brother he had been longing for and our family would be complete. It was supposed to be the best summer ever. We waited 7 years, I am 35. My chances to try again and be successful are slim now. My body just went haywire and no one caught it. 

We are surrounded by so much love and everyone hurts for us and wants to be there for us. But I just feel dead inside right now. I have never felt a loss this big. I wish this on no one. 

The door to Landon's room is closed. I just want to lay in there all day and cry. I just want him here with me so badly. There is no greater love or heartache than for a child.