Stillbirth Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have been impacted by a stillbirth. A stillbirth occurs when a fetus which has died in the uterus, during labor, or during delivery exits a woman's body. For help and support, share your experiences and learn how others coped. Don't forget that you are not alone.
It's amazing how much you can do, not neccesarily accomplish, but do without having your mind or thoughts into it. It has been one month since I lost my Jagger and unfortunately I had to join the living again. The only living people I even like anymore are my family,( and you women as well:)) Other than that, I wanna be with my baby. I brought my 4 year old to school for the first time last week. I understand people do not always know what to say, but why not just say Hi if you used to say hi to me? I sat at Gunner's cubby taking his coat off as a classmates mother sat at the cubby next to him and of course she's pregnant, with a little boy, due at the same time my baby boy was. This woman pretty much turned her back so not to face me. The other mothers came in and all of a sudden had to veer in another direction or stair at their shoes. God forbid they made eye contact. Finally, I addressed a couple women and said hello then bee lined down the hallway trying not to knock over any kids in the process. All I wanted as to get in my car and out of there. At least I got that that part over with.
My first grocery store attempt was yesterday. Upon checking out I spotted a baby through the window. I watched as the mother held the baby on her hip while loading the groceries into her car. That should have been me in a few months. I wondered if that mother realized how lucky she was, or if she Thanks God every day for her child , or what her story was. I got lost in watching that baby and before I knew it the clerk had rung up my groceries and was waiting to grab the store card that I had in my hand but out of her reach. After I came to, the store seemed huge and bright, everything and everyone seemed so loud, and I just wanted to get out of there. When did grocery shopping become so mentally draining? And will it always be like that, bc that was awful.
Last night was the first time I have cooked since I lost my baby. It was a chore. I hated it, every tedious part of it. Dinner sat in an oven that wasn't even turned on for half an hour before I realized it. Once again. something so simple became something so complicated. I feel like I just go through the motions. I drive, do errands, cook dinner, etc and the entire time Im with Jagger in my mind. Then I snap out of it and I have a store clerk staring at me for an undetermined amount of time or dinner getting cold in the oven. I miss my baby so much. How can life be so hard.
My first grocery store attempt was yesterday. Upon checking out I spotted a baby through the window. I watched as the mother held the baby on her hip while loading the groceries into her car. That should have been me in a few months. I wondered if that mother realized how lucky she was, or if she Thanks God every day for her child , or what her story was. I got lost in watching that baby and before I knew it the clerk had rung up my groceries and was waiting to grab the store card that I had in my hand but out of her reach. After I came to, the store seemed huge and bright, everything and everyone seemed so loud, and I just wanted to get out of there. When did grocery shopping become so mentally draining? And will it always be like that, bc that was awful.
Last night was the first time I have cooked since I lost my baby. It was a chore. I hated it, every tedious part of it. Dinner sat in an oven that wasn't even turned on for half an hour before I realized it. Once again. something so simple became something so complicated. I feel like I just go through the motions. I drive, do errands, cook dinner, etc and the entire time Im with Jagger in my mind. Then I snap out of it and I have a store clerk staring at me for an undetermined amount of time or dinner getting cold in the oven. I miss my baby so much. How can life be so hard.
I also hate that people don't know what to do around us, with us, for us. But why would they I guess? I agree it would at least be nice to be treated the same as before...but people just don't know about stillbirth and they even less want to talk about it and deal with it. The unknown makes people act weird, but it's not as if we want to bring them into our world! It is so hard to know what to do to make other people treat us "right" whatever that may be.
You will always miss Jagger, but in my experience it isn't always so painful and awkward. I got a pedicure the other day and told the lady, when she asked, that I did have a child...and she eventually pressed me on it and I had to explain. She was so chatty she actually didn't seem too phased, but at that point I just wondered why I had bothered getting in to it because I was done talking about it already! However, it was a huge step from a while back when I would have just said "no, I don't have kids" and been dying inside to tell the story but not able to because of the waterworks that would have started and the pain I would have felt. Anyway, that's just a recent example of how it does get better, it just doesn't go away. It's hard to believe at times, and it's cliche, but it is true for me. I still have terrible days and moments, but they are fewer and they are less awful.
Hugs to you and your family.
Big Hugs to you,
Michelle
But you are not alone in this.
I remember going for a walk about a month after June was born and I was literally expecting to find her along the side of the road, on the sidewalk, wrapped in a blanket, waiting for me. I started picking up my pace and my husband said, "Why are you walking so fast?" I told him I knew June was just around the corner and I needed to get to her because she was getting cold. I actually said that outloud!
Be patient with yourself and your mind. I've realized that denial is a healthy reaction to a trauma such as ours. No one could sit down and just "accept" this reality in one gulp. I'm four months out, but I think my body is just now realizing that I have no baby to get up to care for in the middle of the night. I've finally started sleeping better. Not great, but better.
Lots of hugs,
Kelsey