Hi everyone,

I came to this group because I'm having a very hard time dealing with my baby's death. I delivered my baby, Levi on 11-4-16. I was 34 weeks pregnant. I had 2 miscarriages before this pregnancy so we were so excited when we made it past the 13 week mark. Everything went surprisingly well this whole pregnancy. I was feeling great and everything was looking good on my ultrasounds. There was never a sign anything was wrong. A week before I had my baby I noticed he wasn't moving very much anymore. I told my doctor and he said thats because he was running out of room and the heartbeat was fine. A few days later I lost my mucus plug and called my doctor. He was not concerned and said he didn't need to see me. Later that night I started having contractions. I laid down for a while and they seemed to slow down. The next morning they were worse and we rushed to the emergency room. He came so fast that I had him when I stepped out of the vehicle. Not knowing anything was wrong they grabbed him out of my pants in the emergency room and started working on him. He was gone. He never took a breath and never opened his eyes. I was so devastated. I knew that he was early but never had I imagined that he wouldn't be alive. Something apparantly went wrong at some point because he was only 2 pounds 8 ounces. He was still so perfect and such a beautiful baby. I feel like my doctor let me down because how could he not know he was so small and something was wrong. I never imagined I would have to leave the hospital without my baby. Instead he was taken away by the morgue and we went home alone. Going home was so hard. His nursery was already done just waiting for him to arrive. It felt so empty in my house, I felt so empty. Going from being pregnant to sitting at home not feeling him anymore and having the constant reminder he was no longer inside of me. All I kept thinking is he should be here with us and he's not. We had to deliver the news to our son who was so excited when I went into the hospital thinking he was going to get to meet his brother that day. This is honestly the hardest thing I have ever had to go through. I feel so lost most days that I don't even know what to do with myself. I cry everyday and feel like I am all alone. I feel like everyone has gotten over it so fast including my husband and I am the only one still mourning my son. He seems like he is back to his normal self and doesn't talk about our baby at all. I get angry because he can carry on normal conversations with friends and family like nothing ever happened and I can't even interact with people. I feel like a huge part of me is missing and i don't know how to be me anymore. His family has been great but I have gotten no support from mine. They act like he never existed and that I should be over this. I can't get over this. The holidays are especially hard. Thanksgiving I didn't leave my house, I just wanted to be with my son and husband and didn't want to be around anyone. Now with Christmas coming I'm feeling the same way. I feel bad for my son because he wants to go to his Grandma and Grandpa's houses and I have absolutely no interest in going. I honestly just want to be left alone at home. My baby was supposed to be here for Christmas and now he's not so I feel like I have nothing to celebrate and don't want to be around everyone else being so happy when I don't know how to be. I just want life to be normal again and I know it is never going to be. Most days I walk around like a zombie. I can't think or concentrate and catch myself just staring off into space thinking about Levi. I feel like my grieving is never going to end. I wanted this baby so bad and it's so unfair. I feel angry most days because he was ripped away from me so fast. I work at a daycare center and a lot of  the moms there are pregnant. I have to see them every single day and hear about their pregnancies and listen to my coworkers have conversations with them about their pregnancies. I feel like they are rubbing it in my face and I am so jealous of them. I loved being pregnant. Every week I couldn't wait for the app on my phone to tell me what to expect that week. Everything totally changed and everything was ripped away from me and life just doesn't feel the same anymore. Sorry for the long post, I really don't have anyone to talk to and just felt like I had to get some things out. What I am wondering is if anyone feels the way I do or is this not normal and perhaps maybe I should seek help? Also has anyone ever experienced their husband not wanting to talk about it and not really being there to comfort you and continuing life like nothing happened?