The past two days I have been so angry. So very angry. I have never once asked, "Why me?" during this whole ordeal. I know too many mother's who have suffered the loss of a child. I know that grief and pain does not discriminate. I know how pregnancy is not always a successful one. And even if it is, I know that you are not guaranteed a healthy baby. This has been my biggest fear since the birth of my first son four years ago. It has almost been an obsessive fear because it was always there, lurking in my mind, making me paranoid. My mother lost my sister at the age of two. I cannot count the number of times that I have asked her, "How did you go on?" Her answer never changed, I just never accepted it because it was just out of my realm of thinking how she did. Now I know, you have to go on for the sake of your other children. And if you do not have another child, you have to go on for the one you lost and the hopes of maybe a future child. You have to go on because that is what God wants you do , even if you cannot bare the thought of getting out of bed. This kind of grief is a cruel, inhumane slap in the face. Everyday you wake up and get repeatedly punched in the gut and you just have to take it. I guess what stirred this anger up was seeing a certain local woman the other day at the store. I know her story. She is a cruel individual. She was blessed with 3 children although she doesn't look at them as a blessing. She is a bad mother and a bad person. I say this because I know her and cruel things she has done, I know her personality and how she mocks those who experience misfortune or are going through trying times. Anyways, so I see her and instantly I think of my baby. My beautiful, innocent little baby who sits in an urn on my bedside. He will never experience the simple things such as a mother's hug, a warm bath, the taste of a sweet peach. Yet, this woman will continue to do no good in this world (maybe she will make a drastic turn around, I doubt it though) and who is a vulgar mother figure. I am not a perfect mother, but I am a damn good mother. It is the one thing that I am sure of in this world. I do not wish ill will on people like this woman, but I just wish there wasn't so many of them. There are thousands and thousands of homeless children for adoption, yet they make it so financially difficult to adopt a child. These children have no homes, we don't have our babies, then the ones who do are bad mothers and don't deserve them. I still do not ask "why me" because why not me? I am no different from experiencing anyone elses pain, but I am angry that so many innocent are taken and so many who do not deserve such luxuries spend the time they have being negative influences on people. When is this life going to start making more sence?