They have no idea what we are going through. I was thinking about it the other day. My uncle passed away 2 weeks after Andrew and all I think about is my baby every second of everyday. My uncle I think about also but nothing like with Andrew. These are our babies, we grew them and took care of them for their whole little lives. We are their moms and we never get over it, we will never stop thinking about them and they will be with us for the rest of our lives. Don't let anyone think you are crazy. This is the most horrific tragedy that a person should ever experience. (((Hugs)))

I think we will take longer to travel through our grief because we never got to experience any joy with our babies. When adults die, there are memories of so many years and all we have are the hopes and dreams of what we thought we would have experienced. Not sure if I'm making any sense, but it's very clear in my mind.

Please don't put limits on yourself as to how you should feel. This event is huge! HUGE!! Our babies died!!

Praying for peace for you and understanding from these friends that try to rush our journey. It's a process.

Me too. All day, everyday. I think that I should have begun to heal, but EVERY time I talk about Holly, I cry. I was playing Wii with my kids and for no reason at all I started thinking about her and started crying. I feel like it should be getting easier - but I'm stuck. It's so hard.

Please don't listen to anyone who tells you to get over it and move on. They obviously have no idea what we've been through. I say we're stronger than we ever knew - and we'll "move on" when we're ready.

The loss of a child is SO much more profound than the loss of someone who got to experience life. I know of SIDS parents who have told me that at least they were lucky enough to have a little time with their baby. What we went through is much harder than even those tragities. We delivered a sleeping baby. We held them and had to come to terms with them being lost before they were even here. I did what everyone told me to. I pretended to just get over it and buried everything for years. I kept everything hidden until this year when I finally found this group because I was nere a breakdown. Take your time and don't rush yourself. People that haven't been through this don't understand the extreme impact it has on our lives. You are doing just fine. You are strong and will heal slowly but it will not be when everyone wants it to happen. Don't let them upset you.

Oh sorry but just wanted to add that if you think meds can help talk to your doctor. They helped me and I was able to get off them just after the first memorial of his birth.

My mom kept telling me "to move on" and "get over it" and when I called him my son or child she would say "he is dead. Hope your not one of those crazy people that goes around in life doing nothing but talking about your dead baby?" well I sent her a not so nice lil email telling her that I never wanted to talk to her about MY SON ever again.I dont think anyone can ever really get over the death of their child.at least we al have eachother to talk to beause noone understand what were goin thru except us.

I talk to a lady who had a still birth 29 years ago and after that had 4 healthy baby who are now grown. She told you never get over it. Part of you is stuck in that day for ever. Its not about moving on its about finding a new way of living

You are not crazy. Your baby died. I know that if our children had lived one day beyond our bodies, people would look at it totally differently. However, since our babies never took one breath beyond our bodies, we are viewed as abnormal for mourning.

I have always been passive about death. As sure as you are born you must die. However, since Annaya's birth I have added a clause.
Stillbirth and the death of those who have not had a chance to live is not fair.

This is not something that we will be able to get over. Yes, the pain will eventually dull, but there will always be an empty place in our heart for the place the memories of our babies accomplishments should be.

Hugs!!
Nneka

Like I said in your journal... Unless your mom had "lost" a baby, there is no way she can understand. My sister told me to get over it three DAYS afterwards. I got into a fight with my family at my nephews christening because ( my mom called my nephew her first grandson) I couldn't deal with it and had to leave in the middle of it. And they were embarrassed. (and they found out I had been prescribed anxiety meds... Called me a druggie!!!!!!!!!!) I screamed and cried, and threatened to NEVER talk to any of them again. I now get mother's day cards from my mom and sister, - because I now can share with them how I feel. I can finally put the heartache and hurt into words that make sense. They will never really understand, but maybe some day they will make an effort, like mine do now. Love you, Prayers and Good thoughts coming your way.

Meghan
PS- That is also what brought me to this wonderful place... No one can understand better than us!

Don't let anyone make you feel like you are 'crazy,' or that you have some 'responsibility' to them to 'get over it.' The fact is, you will never 'get over it.' You learn to live with it, and you find some way of getting through the day without falling to pieces, but you will never be able to 'get over it.' People are insensitive and stupid. Unless they've experienced this kind of loss, they will never know the amount of pain and sorrow that we, as angel mothers, have to endure. Basically, giving birth is supposed to be about giving life. We, as women, are taught our whole life that getting pregnant and giving birth to a living child is something that we can just 'do.' When we give birth to our sons and daughters and they are no longer living, it's like our whole understanding of who we are as women is ripped from us. Our whole understanding of the world is turned on its head. We never get to hold them, see them smile, feed them, do any of the things we are supposed to get to do. Other people, who think that we should 'get over it,' have no concept of any of this. They don't understand that giving birth to a stillborn child is a uniquely painful experience that cannot be understood by anyone who hasn't experienced it firsthand. It's a tragedy and a trauma that happens in an instant, and lasts a lifetime. The people that are making you feel like you should 'move on' are insensitive and downright callous. Ask them to truly think about how they would feel if someone extremely close to them (like their child) died suddenly. Ask them to think about how the comment 'get over it' would sit with them after they've just lost their loved one. Maybe that will make them sit up and take notice. Sorry for the ramble, but I hate it when I hear of another mother having to withstand these kind of ridiculously insensitive comments. Hugs, Sam.

I agree with all the others, it's not about getting over or moving on, it's about saying it's something that happened that has intricately changed us, we carry the experience now. We can progress with our lives, but the mark that our LOs have left is with us and I actually embrace it. My MIL, who is v old fashioned continually has this advice:
During this rainbow pregnancy, go to work, come home, do your housework and get to bed. Then when the new baby comes close this chapter of your life and step into the future..
she has no idea... I let her speak that way, but inside I reject her advice wholeheartedly. I will go to work, I will do housework (I make DH do some too!!!) but I will continue to remember, continue to love, continue to honour my daughter. When the new baby comes (God willing) he/she will also be aware of my angel from the very beginning. We will contniue to go to the cemetry as a family, allowing her an ongoing place in our family. I'm not living in the past, I'm bringing her forward into the present with me. I don't close the door on her, the door is always open, as day by day I get closer and closer to seeing her again. THere's a singer called Delta Goodrum from Oz, who sang a song about a person leaving a bookmark in her life, my angel is not a bookmark, she has been stamped on every page. My story will go on, I will have a life, do things, create, explore, enjoy, but on every page she will be, not in a sad way always, but glad she was part of me, glad she exists because of the love me and my DH share... and what a beautiful existance she has.