January 10, 2017, at 35 weeks, and 4 days at 6:40pm I gave birth to a perfect 6lb 1oz baby boy. I had went in the night before because I had noticed decreased movement and could not find the heartbeat on our Doppler at home. My husband reassured me everything was fine but we knew neither of us would sleep well if we didn't go up to the hospital and hear the heartbeat. I was panicked and shaking but tried to remain calm. We got to the triage room and two nurses tried to find the heartbeat with the monitor and then with an old ultrasound machine, all the nurses kept saying was that they weren't very good at it and the doctor would be there soon. I was shaking in fear and my husband comforted me. The doctor came and did an ultrasound she looked at us and said there was no heartbeat and my baby boy had passed away. I looked at my husband and he had this face that I can't get out of my head. I refused to believe it and kept asking questions like "how could that be, I felt and saw him move at 4 o clock." "What happens next" etc. It wasn't until they moved us into the delivery room to induce me that I finally broke down. Family came and sat with us while we awaited our son to be born. We made decisions that no parents should ever have to make. We had our son Everett at 6:40pm. He was wrapped in the cord. He was perfect in every way. He looked as if he would open his eyes and cry at any moment. I prayed he would. I prayed the ultrasounds were wrong and a miracle would happen. I held my son and admired his handsomeness. He had every feature of his dad, none of mine. We loved our boy so hard during those few hours, we held him tight and cried together. Saying goodbye was the hardest thing to do.

Now it has been nearly 10 days since Everett's birth, I am having such a hard time letting go. I think back to the triage room often and feel the panic set in over and over again. My husband holds a lot in but is struggling as well. I feel like my heart is constantly throbbing and know this pain will never heal. We brought our son home in a container, instead of a car seat. I can hardly convince myself this is real, I don't know what to do or how to act. I constantly think about what others are saying or thinking, I can barely talk to family, how will I be able to talk to friends? I have always been a planner, we planned and dreamed of our life with Everett and now our world has stopped and I cant even plan tomorrow. Our families have returned to their normal lives and I feel like they expect us to as well, but our lives will never be normal again. I am a teacher and can't bare to think what my students might say or ask me. I can't stand the thought of going back. I don't know when or how to. The only thing that is helping me is reading the stories of other mothers who have gone through this sorrow and journaling about my pain. I feel like it is some sort of release that I can do without hurting others by talking about it aloud. I am in so much pain but am trying to hold onto the happiness his little face and big feet bring me as well as the 9 months of pregnancy with him. It was a perfect pregnancy with no problems. And he was perfect and healthy and I think that is part of why this was such a shock. Not that it would lessen the pain in a different scenario. I just can't wrap my mind around the fact that baby is gone and there is no bringing him back. 

Anyways, I hope to connect to a few other mothers in this support group. I think we all need and deserve all the support we can get.