Hi all, 

I have been reading your stories and I wish nobody had to write here, nobody should have to go through such a pain. At the same time I felt less alone in my own grief. We lost our baby girl at 23 weeks, we had just moved to the US from the Netherlands with our two boys aged 4,5 and 2,5. It was supposed to be a great adventure for the family and we couldnt be more greatful and happy for this incredible gift that was our little girl Abril. Before the boys we had a misscarriage at 13 weeks and now I remember telling my husband that after that terrible happening we had been so lucky with the boys and now the girl that I was even afraid because it seemed too perfect. We had an ultrasound at 22 weeks and she was ok, but after a week I realised I hadnt felt her a whole morning, I thought she was just asleep so I waited one more day and then I sort of knew. We rush to the hospital and it took ages till they tried to find the heartbeat. It was a bit confusing because my own heartbeat could be heard with the doppler and the nurse was not quite sure so they did an ultrasound and there she was, terribly still. I said she is not moving and the doctor answer no, she’s not. Thats all it took to understand our life was broken and that we could never ever be as happy again. We had no family and very few new friends because we just moved, we were on our own. Somebody could take care of the kids the next day so we went home and planned the birth for the morning. I spend the night curled in bed trying to give her all the love in the world before we’d be separated. Abril was born on 09.04.17 with a nuchal cord x 4 and a true knot. It was such a violent picture, she had no chance. At the hospital we got the best care, everybody was so sweet and we could spend two days with our beautiful baby. I sang for her and talked to her. But I had to let her go. I know we are very blessed to have two boys, and they helped us so much trough the grief and they had their share poor things but we have been very open to them. They saw her and understood everything. The pain is still here and sometimes I feel I will never be happy again. But I have happy moments with my husband and the kids and I stick to that. I am 39 and I dont know if we’ll have the chance to get pregnant again but even if I want so badly to have a new baby the idea of a pregnancy already scares me so much. I know theres other mums here who dont have a living child and it makes me cry only to read that. I am very greatful and blessed with my kids but I miss her so much. Thanks for reading me. All the best for 2018, I hope this year will bring all of you new joy.