Stillbirth Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have been impacted by a stillbirth. A stillbirth occurs when a fetus which has died in the uterus, during labor, or during delivery exits a woman's body. For help and support, share your experiences and learn how others coped. Don't forget that you are not alone.
Hello, i am not sure if this is the right place because it says women's health, but i'm not sure where else to talk. My fiancé and i lost our beautiful daughter Molli, two months and 5 days ago, on June 29th. My fiancé was 39 weeks. She was going to visits every week at this point. I was at work and she had her weekly doctors appointment, and it was taking longer than normal, as i was constantly checking my phone waiting for the "everything is all good babe, off to work now, I love you!" text i got every week after the appointments. Yet that day took longer than usual, and i felt uneasy. My phone began to ring, i grabbed it out of my tool belt and my fiancé's name on the screen. Instant panic, we never speak on the phone. i jump 8 foot to the ground off of scaffolding and sprint outside all i can hear is sobbing from the other line and how they couldn't find Molli's heartbeat. I threw up. I was dizzy, I was scared, I thought they just messed up because she was always hiding in there and they may just couldn't find her. I speed to the hospital to meet my fiancé, mother in law and sister in law and they eventually have us in a room. They use the ultrasound and there was nothing. No heart beat. I was broken. We spent the next three days in the hospital, two until she delivered. My fiancé delivered her at 39 weeks and 4 days. Our daughter is absolutely beautiful. Our beautiful daughter Molli Grace. She is 5lbs and 4 ounces and 18 inches long, absolutely beautiful, stunning full head of hair. i held the legs, i watched, i cried, i wanted to scream, but i knew i had to be strong. I had to be strong for everyone. I was the man, i was the strong shoulder, the warm hug, the "i got you". I felt like it was my duty to push my feelings aside and have 110% laser focus on my fiancé, hide my emotions, be strong for her. That's what i did and now i regret it. It is now after two months hitting me so hard. The guilt, the anger, the bargaining, the sadness, depression, all of it is hitting me so hard now. I just am not sure what to do. i don't know why i'm posting this. i want people to know our story. i need to put my thoughts into words. I haven't really found anything on this topic for father supports, so if anyone knows please tell me. Thank you for reading.
My heart goes out to you and your wife, and of course beautiful Molli.
I understand why you felt the need to be strong for the sake of your wife, it's only natural. Our story is eerily similar to yours, and sadly to many peoples' experience. I was there with my wife for every appointment and our doctor dismissed every complaint that she had, reassuring us we, and our baby, were fine. We came in on the day that he insisted on inducing...just a day earlier, he had expressed concern about my wife's blood pressure but said we'd be wasting our time going to the hospital since there was nothing to worry about...but when they checked our daughter with the fetal monitor there was no heart beat. We thought they were mistaken, it couldn't be possible. The walls spun and I couldn't hear anything for a second. Don't get me wrong, I cried, and was in shock but it's only natural to feel like you need to be there to support your wife, you have a responsibility to help her get through everything that still had to happen. Believe me, when our OB came in and flipped everything around on us saying that we "should've listened to him and come in the night before and your daughter would still be alive" I could have killed him but I also knew he'd be the man responsible for getting my wife through delivery so I bit my tongue.
There are a million things we wish we could change or go back and do differently. But we know we were the most caring, carful, excited parents in the world...we would've done anything if only we knew. Don't beat yourself up for how you reaacted when you first learned about the loss of your baby. It's a devastating time that no one can predict and I truly believe there is no wrong or right way to react there bc it's an impossible situation. Just be there for you wife and try and talk about how you both feel. You're probably the only people who can really understand each other right now.
I know that finding men to speak to on some communities is difficult, so if you want to discuss anything more, feel free to message.
I wish you both happiness in the future and my thoughts are with your family
I also wanted to comment and let you know that its ok to show emotions. I'm sure your fiancé is so very grateful that you were strong for her. Everyone grieves differently. My husband cries by himself when no one is around and is strong and comforts me especially through my most difficult days. I want you to know, just as I tell my husband, crying together is ok.. knowing that someone misses our baby just as much as I do is oddly comforting. Cry if you need to and be strong when you can. God Bless little Molli