I lost my daughter Alexandria June 20, 2011 at 31 weeks 6 days. There was no definite cause of death but my doctor suspects it was related to my Type II diabetes. It's been over 8 months since she left me and although I can say the pain does ease a little bit over time, it will always be there. When my world was shattered I naively believed that her father and I would get "through" it, but as most of you know, you simply learn to live with the pain rather than get "through" it. Anyways, about three months after Alexandria left me--so did her father. After five years of living together and sharing our lives together he decided he wanted out. In the beginning I put up a fight and at one point believed that life had finally broken me, but it hadn't and it never will. I firmly believe that losing my child is the hardest thing I will ever face in my life...I realize that one day my mother, my father and my siblings will pass on but I also realize its the way of life. Babies, however, are not suppose to die. The love we have for our mother, our father, all our loved ones...that love is unique amongst each and every one of those people. The love you have for your child, however, I can't even begin to explain. When my daughter died she took a part of my heart with her, a part of my very soul. But although I will forever walk with a bleeding heart, I am still alive.

I would be lying if I said losing Alexandria's father didn't tear me up, but in retrospect...nothing will ever come close to the pain I experienced and will continue to feel, of losing my little girl. Nothing and no one. Sometimes I am amazed at my own strength and resilience. I didn't know I was capable of "starting over" after such a tragedy. I am now living on my own and picking up the pieces of what's left of my life. I can honestly say I am excited at what life throws my way. I will never understand why this happened to me but I can say that I have accepted it. I accept that she's gone. I accept that nothing can be done to change it. I accept.

Now I know I share part of the responsibility in the demise of my relationship but I firmly believe that everything happens for a reason. It seems like I come across some of those reasons when I most desperately need them. I miss my little princess just as much as when I was told there was no longer a heartbeat, but I'm learning to live with the pain. Lately I find myself laughing and smiling and really meaning it, not pretending anymore. I truly am starting to finally enjoy life again. I am an eternal optimist. I've "reconnected" with a man who has always been a part of my life and am so excited to see where the future takes us. I am and always will always continue to chase my happily ever after.

The point of this all is I want to tell you ladies that it does get a little bit easier. Perhaps the pain doesn't dull, but we are fighters, we learn to live with it. Our angels will forever be a part of our lives and as they continue to watch over us they will continue to send us blessings in disguise. I know what's it's like to feel complete hopelessness and absolute heartbreak. I know what it's like to constantly wonder if taking your own life may solve your heartbreak. I know pain. Just know that things do get better, just hang in there for you angels because they are constantly watching us. I constantly tell Alexandria's father and I want to tell you ladies...just live your life in a way that will honor and make your angel proud of you, proud to call you their mommy/daddy. Know that life does get a little easier. I'm here to talk if any of you would like to or just email me. I pray for all of you ladies and for our angels. I pray each and every one of you find the peace we all desperately need. It gets better, I know.

-Anira