Stillbirth Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have been impacted by a stillbirth. A stillbirth occurs when a fetus which has died in the uterus, during labor, or during delivery exits a woman's body. For help and support, share your experiences and learn how others coped. Don't forget that you are not alone.

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jaggerh 04/01/2011

Is it just me or do you ladies feel like the most logical person in the universe lately? I have been making mental notes of what not to say if I ever am unfortunate to know or meet someone going through the hell we are,
1. Do not invite a grieving mother who has lost her child a mere week ago to a party to "get her out of the house". We do not want to leave our homes to be around a bunch of people drinking and celebrating a birthday. Our baby is gone. They will never have a living birthday. They will never have a birthday cake or a drink. No, we do not want to party. We only want to have our baby.
2. Do not suggest playing "solitaire" or getting into "a good movie" when we are in such despair waiting to hear from the funeral home on when their sons ashes will be in.
3. Do not inform the mother who has lost a baby on who is recently prenant or who is having a baby in July. We do not give a shit.
4.Do not ask if we will have another. Our baby is not replaceable. We want the baby we lost. Period.

People are pissing me off.

deleted_user 04/01/2011

OH YES!! There are SO MANY THINGS people say or do that just make me want to light a bomb. ESP!!!!!!!

deleted_user 04/01/2011

GAH! i HATE WHEN IT DELETES THE REST OF MY POST! i was saying that i hate when people call my baby an "IT" as in "you carried it" or "you gave birth to it" HER NAME IS STELLA, jerks.

deleted_user 04/01/2011

Amen to all of that! I know most of the time people don't know what to say, but there are certain things that should be thought out before saying them.
I know this sounds ridiculous, but when people tell me that Jake is in a better place. I want to scream. I know that he is in a better place, but how could it be better, it's not with me. Thanks for letting me vent.
Sending you a hug, Shelly

IsaiahandAaronsMama 04/01/2011

YES! 2 weeks after we lost Aaron an acquaintance of mine (who knew our situation) asked me for my address so she could send me an invitation to her baby shower. I deleted her out of my phone.

Then last Monday my step sister asked me if I wanted to go to the dr. (which is the same dr I went to so there are painful memories in his office) with her to find out the sex of her baby. I was like Really?? Did you really just ask me that? Then when they got back her and her mom would not shut up about how precious the baby was on the ultrasound screen. I wanted to scream.

And i hate getting, "you're young and can have another baby." I just wanna say "can I? You know it took 4 years to get Aaron. It's not that easy for me!"

So yes I feel ya girl. I'm not normally a violent person but I sure have had lots of urges to punch people in the face this past month!!

deleted_user 04/01/2011

Yes! The whole "you can try again" doesn't help! It took 3 years of trying and insemination to get Evan. And I do want another child, but I want my Evan, too. I am grieving over his loss, and he can't be replaced with any other child.

I wanted to add one, too. My cousin volunteered to be a surrogate if we ever needed it. Really? That's a little to soon.

nasnye 04/01/2011

Since I have children already I've been told "You should be happy with the children you already have". I've also been told... You're too old to try again. People clearly don't think before they speak... And yes, we are the most logical people on the planet... the blinders have been removed.

Hugs!!!
N.

deleted_user 04/01/2011

Arghh, people say the worst things... it doesn't get any better as you move forward either, I'm nearly 6 months with my rainbow and people still expect me to be carefree, and are truely shocked when I express any kind of anxiety, of course this baby will arrive!! Ahem, didn't you learn anything about what happened last year? Didn't you remember? It doesn't always work out that way. I wish people could learn not to take their babies for granted... when I get invited to baby showers, I just say I can't go, it would be hypocritical, 17 women in the UK will wake up tomorrow and at some point in the day will hear the words, I'm sorry there's no heartbeat. Last year I was one of them, how can I go to a baby shower and pretend like that never happened? I can't. Sometimes I think I will never stop being offended by people... sad.

jaggerh 04/01/2011

nasnye- ou are so right. Our blinders have been removed. We had a "meeting " with our midwife yesterday. Just to talk about our feeelings and situation. I told her that I died that day as well. I cant even remember what I was like before I lost my baby. I remember bits and pieces, but not me as a whole. which leaves me to wonder what will happen to my relationships that I have had with people pre-worst day of my life. Before I always tried to be a good listener, to have some advice or input on other people's problems. Now I think "Seriously- You are bitching about the garbage man situation? Oh to have your problems" I just cannot tolerate the little gripes people have. Some may call it bitter or being angry, I like "having our blinders removed" better.

deleted_user 04/02/2011

Sooo with you on this one!!! The first thing my sister said to me ... my 30 year old sister... was "is your belly gonna go away?"... That was 3 days after I gave birth to a full term baby girl with no heartbeat. You think I care about my belly???!?!? I cherish every tiny little stretchmark, every leaky boob, every EVERYTHING because they are all reminders of the precious time that I got to spend with her in my belly. I don't want it to go away!!

I give her credit as she was sweet enough to bring me flowers... HOWEVER she brought my husband a tomato plant and when she handed it to him she said "here Jesse, you can raise it and then eat it!"... ugh... fabulous words of encouragement for a grieving father. Way to go sis!

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