Stillbirth Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have been impacted by a stillbirth. A stillbirth occurs when a fetus which has died in the uterus, during labor, or during delivery exits a woman's body. For help and support, share your experiences and learn how others coped. Don't forget that you are not alone.
It's been over a year since I gave birth to my stillborn baby. I went in on a Tuesday morning to be induced. Every thing was fine. Hours pass before I start pushing. There where complications with my epidural, it took 4 tries till she got it right. I thought that was gonna be the worst part. As time goes on, I'm in hard labor and my doctor freezes, looks at me and says "oh shit" that's when I knew something wasn't right, obviously. I started hemorrhaging out of my uterus. I was bleeding out. As far as I knew, I was dying. They wored for hours trying to save me. Anyways, during them attempting to get my bleeding under control, I'm in and out of consciousness from the loss of blood and maybe pain..I don't remember too much. I do remember waking up at one part to them digging at my uterus with 4 metal rods sticking out of me. I filled up a whole trash bag full of blood. But never once did I think "what's happened to my baby" even though it's been so long, I still hate myself for being so inconsiderate. Hours pass, they finally get my bleeding under control. They gave me multiple blood transfusions. The next day I wake up wanting to see my baby. I can't even remember what I said when she told me he didn't make it. I just remember feeling like I was falling off a cliff. I had almost died with my baby. Sometime's I wished I had. But I have a 4 year old son, he's the reason I'm even here today. At first I questioned my faith. But then something snapped and I realized I needed to trust God. I need to trust Him. But as the time has went by, it has not gotten easier. It's "easier" to hold it in until nobody is looking. I can't even close my eyes without going back there. It's constant torture. I'm traumatized by the whole situation. My husband and I where split up at the time of the birth, he wasn't there. Therefore he just doesn't understand what I'm going through. He doesn't feel what I feel. He can't even fathom the whole situation, nor can i..and I was there. I'm here hoping to talk to someone that has gone through something similar. I'm doing this alone, and have been since the day it happened. And I think I'm starting to lose it. It's really hitting, and I feel completely alone. If any of you have any advice, I'm all ears. It's 6 am and I haven't been asleep, I've been up all night trying to find a decent support group. If you've read this, please give me some advice, or even share your story.
Some days are harder than others. Especially when you've got nobody to relate to. That's why I came herr, in hopes to find someone who I could talk to about it all. Hearing others stories helps, I guess seeing how other people cope helps me cope.
I just want to say you are brave for sharing your story and for wanting to find better ways to cope and help yourself heal. You are so strong. I also want to say, of course you are traumatized by what happened to you - you almost died and you lost your baby. That is traumatizing. You have to be kind to yourself and understand that the reactions you are having are totally acceptable. Have you ever thought of speaking to a therapist? It might help you process what happened and find ways to cope. A lot of loss moms see therapists after our experiences.
And you shouldn't hate yourself at all for not asking about your baby while you were bleeding out - you were unconscious and unaware of what was happening and I'm sure you knew that the doctors were doing everything they could. The first thing you did when you woke up was ask about your baby, so it's very clear that he was the most important thing in your mind.
I'm sorry you are going through this alone. I can tell you that even though my husband was with me when we learned our baby had died and when he was born still, we have different emotions dealing with it and I still feel like we can't completely relate to one another. I hope that you are able to find other mothers who went through something similar to talk to. Have you looked for a support group in your area?
Regardless, some general advice is to find someone to talk to, maybe a really close friend. Tell the friend you just want her to listen and validate your feelings. And then just tell your thoughts to her. Writing in a journal helped me too. And reading lots of other stories. Check out the still standing mag website. It also helped me to let myself cry when I needed to. I often hold the hat my baby wore and look at his pictures and just let it out. Don't think that it's weak to do that. It's strong to let yourself feel. I also posted about what happened to me on my social media, and turned out there were a few people who also had still births that I didn't know about. That helped me to connect with people I already knew and helped me feel not so alone.
Anyway I hope some of this helps. I'm always open to talk. Sending love.
My wife shared the same sentiment when we lost our baby girl. How come I didn't ask to hold her more? How come I can't remember everything about her? How come I didn't feel her passing away? These thoughts are both natural and completely unfair.
Ease reach out to a close friend who will listen. Feel free to contact to continue to share