Step Families Support Group
Traditionally, a stepfamily is the family one acquires when a parent enters a new marriage, whether the parent was widowed or divorced. This community is focused on many of the relationships and issues that may arise within stepfamilies where you may find answers from some members and you may help other members with their questions.
I am hoping for some advice on where to draw the line with my step-sons bio-mom. I will give a short history:
I have lived with my fiance and step-son(13) for two years, I have a son of my own, he is six. Both my fiance and I have our children majority of the time. My step-sons mother has two other children, both from other fathers and one on the way, she gets my step-son, every two weekends and for a couple of weeks in the summer. However, she has often skipped visits, not showed up for her Holiday's, comes late, and often tells him she will be at a school event and then doesn't show up. She is terrible at communicating pick-up and drop-off times, but always seems to find a way of turning it around on us. She doesn't answer her phone, so when her son tries to reach her, she is never there, and when we try to call her ahead of a visit to confirm, she doesn't answer, as well.
Okay, so yesterday, between my fiance and I, we called four times during the day, to try and find out what time she would be picking her son up. He has football after school and with the new school schedules, we wanted to fill her in to the times and places he is to be picked up. We heard from her current boyfriend once, stating he left her a message at work to call us, we never heard from him or her again.
Finally, at 5pm, when I had heard nothing, I decided to drive to the school and make sure my step-son had gotten picked up, when I got there, he was there. He jumped in the car and started chatting about his day, etc. I told him, we hadn't heard from his Mom yet and he should try to call her when we got home. When we got home, she was calling, he answered the phone, and within seconds, I could hear her screaming at the top of her lungs, swearing, putting him down, etc. He had the phone, an arm-length away from his ear and we could both hear her. She said she had been waiting for 45 min., at a different end of the school, she was sick of his bullshit, and on and on, then, she told him she was coming to our house and he "better f-ing be waiting for her." Of course, his face, dropped. When she hung up, I told him right away, it wasn't his fault, it was his mothers responsibility to arrange things. I decided to call his Dad, who was on his way home from a meeting, about 30 min., away. We decided, we wouldn't let my step-son go with her, until his Dad got here.
When she arrived, she honked and honked.
She finally came to the door and pounded on it repeatedly. As soon as my step-son opened the door the first sentence out of her mouth, contained several f-words, and other curses. He told her, he was staying at Dad's, at least, until his Dad got home. Anyway, she yelled and yelled. Finally, I pulled him away from the door and shut it. He tried talking to her again a few min. later, and again she screamed and cursed at her 13 yr. old son! Finally, she peeled out of our driveway. Later, she called my fiance's cell phone and screamed at him.
Sorry this is getting so long! My question is this, where should I draw the lines? Sometimes, I feel as though I should stay out of all of it, but others, I feel an innate need to protect him from his own mother, and then, there are my own boundaries. We have a fairly peaceful life here when our exes aren't involved and when she comes to my home like that, my own son, is forced to stay in a bedroom for fear of her actions, we all become upset, etc. Plus, my entire day was spent, trying to orchestrate his weekend with her, and all I get is, ignored and screamed at.
I a co-dependent/caretaker, and trying desperately to get out of the cycle of controlling others' lives, but I often find she is controlling mine, and I don't know if I have the right to say much.
Again, sorry this was so long, any advice or input would be greatly appreciated. Thanks, angc
I have lived with my fiance and step-son(13) for two years, I have a son of my own, he is six. Both my fiance and I have our children majority of the time. My step-sons mother has two other children, both from other fathers and one on the way, she gets my step-son, every two weekends and for a couple of weeks in the summer. However, she has often skipped visits, not showed up for her Holiday's, comes late, and often tells him she will be at a school event and then doesn't show up. She is terrible at communicating pick-up and drop-off times, but always seems to find a way of turning it around on us. She doesn't answer her phone, so when her son tries to reach her, she is never there, and when we try to call her ahead of a visit to confirm, she doesn't answer, as well.
Okay, so yesterday, between my fiance and I, we called four times during the day, to try and find out what time she would be picking her son up. He has football after school and with the new school schedules, we wanted to fill her in to the times and places he is to be picked up. We heard from her current boyfriend once, stating he left her a message at work to call us, we never heard from him or her again.
Finally, at 5pm, when I had heard nothing, I decided to drive to the school and make sure my step-son had gotten picked up, when I got there, he was there. He jumped in the car and started chatting about his day, etc. I told him, we hadn't heard from his Mom yet and he should try to call her when we got home. When we got home, she was calling, he answered the phone, and within seconds, I could hear her screaming at the top of her lungs, swearing, putting him down, etc. He had the phone, an arm-length away from his ear and we could both hear her. She said she had been waiting for 45 min., at a different end of the school, she was sick of his bullshit, and on and on, then, she told him she was coming to our house and he "better f-ing be waiting for her." Of course, his face, dropped. When she hung up, I told him right away, it wasn't his fault, it was his mothers responsibility to arrange things. I decided to call his Dad, who was on his way home from a meeting, about 30 min., away. We decided, we wouldn't let my step-son go with her, until his Dad got here.
When she arrived, she honked and honked.
She finally came to the door and pounded on it repeatedly. As soon as my step-son opened the door the first sentence out of her mouth, contained several f-words, and other curses. He told her, he was staying at Dad's, at least, until his Dad got home. Anyway, she yelled and yelled. Finally, I pulled him away from the door and shut it. He tried talking to her again a few min. later, and again she screamed and cursed at her 13 yr. old son! Finally, she peeled out of our driveway. Later, she called my fiance's cell phone and screamed at him.
Sorry this is getting so long! My question is this, where should I draw the lines? Sometimes, I feel as though I should stay out of all of it, but others, I feel an innate need to protect him from his own mother, and then, there are my own boundaries. We have a fairly peaceful life here when our exes aren't involved and when she comes to my home like that, my own son, is forced to stay in a bedroom for fear of her actions, we all become upset, etc. Plus, my entire day was spent, trying to orchestrate his weekend with her, and all I get is, ignored and screamed at.
I a co-dependent/caretaker, and trying desperately to get out of the cycle of controlling others' lives, but I often find she is controlling mine, and I don't know if I have the right to say much.
Again, sorry this was so long, any advice or input would be greatly appreciated. Thanks, angc
First of all that is unacceptable behavior, she has no right to verbally abuse her own child or yours either she has no right to verbally abuse you!
Let his dad make the arrangements, it is his child and his responsibility.
Record the phone and video tape the personal visits and go tot child services/lawyer and see if you can get supervised visits enforced.
Give her a choice; you coordinate visits by the night before or you do not visit IT IS HER CHOICE, if she fails to coordinate the visit, she chose of her own volition not to see the child. If she decided she wants to later - tough shit, we are responsible for our choices and she now gets to live with hers.
If that doesn't work I'd just tell her HELLL NO he's not coming and just call her bluff and see if she has the balls to go to court and get the visitation enforced - then they will have to they investigate what's going on - are you guilty of a violation or protecting the child.
I do not abide bullies or those who bully children, elderly or animals well so I would quit trying to appease her and see if I could get to court faster. Sound like a win - win to me!
Im really tired of people treating children like pawns, accessories etc. not to be ugly, but did you ever consider NOT setting limits for the bio mom was using the child to escape responsibilities you have as parents hand him over instead of facing your fears and saying NO. She sounds like a piece of work but the child should not be in the middle or exposed to that behavior it is your job to protect him first and make her happy - whenever!
Honestly, you can't draw the line. The line isn't yours to draw. In fact, unfortunately for any of us who is a step parent, if you do get involved in ANY way it can be used against your significant other in court. Just an example, but by you picking him up at school and then him not going with his mother and you being the only other adult there, that could be considered interference on your part. It doesn't matter if you are the primary caregiver and have the blessing of his father, the fact of the matter is that she has all the legal rights and you don't have any. It REALLY sucks, but you can only give him support when he's at home with you and in your care. The minute she shows up, whenever that may be, she has priority and what she says has to go unless his father is there to fight the battle. Then it's between the two of them.
Believe me, I'd love to slam the door in my SS's mom's face and inform her that she was never allowed near my house again, but it will never happen.
I hate to suggest this, but you need to let your husband do ALL of the handling of situations with his ex. Every last one of them. If you step in it could hurt him and your SS in a more legal sense and could play against them if a custody battle takes place. Be supportive, loving, and comforting of this child when his mother pulls this crap, but don't interfere and don't get between mother and child.
Hope this helps. I know it sucks, but you don't want your good intentions to backfire on your family. You have to cover your ass.
That is just unacceptable. It is unacceptable behavior from ANY adult. I've been in a situation similar to that with the boys bm once, but her screaming was directed at my dh. I stayed out of it completely until one of the boys decided to stand in between his mother and his dad, and started crying. The crying did not seem to phase his mother at all and her screaming and cursing continued. So, I stepped in and tried to move him out of the middle of them and back as much out of earshot as was possible. i said nothing to her, only tried to move yss. Well that directed her attention towards me and all of a sudden it was HER son, blah, blah. Oh it was just insane behavior from a 30 something year old woman. i was honestly a little shocked that she would do this in front of her own children. I learned from that experience that the first thing I should have done was call 911 when she jumped out of her vehicle and started cursing. But, it would have been much better had my dh had an officer meet him at the meeting place. To answer your questions...this is jmo but...I would let his dad handle everything. Insist that he handle things if he is hesitant, because he is the father, and although you may be the primary caregiver, legally you have no ties to this child. I am in the same situation, and have two stepsons that live with us full time. Do not correspond or communicate with her. I also would not allow her to come to my residence again. The meeting place for exchanges needs to be in a public place, preferably an police or sheriff's department. This will likely eliminate most or all of her outbursts. It is a very fine line, and on one hand, what you did could be construed as interference, but personally I feel doing nothing, and allowing her to continue in her rant and cursing at her own son would have been just wrong. So, I think you did the right thing on that. But, I think you and most importantly your dh need to implement some new procedures of dealing with this woman. Pick a specific time of day on the days she is to get ss, and a specific meeting place. Do not leave it up to her or allow her to be able to cause this problem again. For example, Friday at 6 pm at the local sheriff's office, and Sunday at 6 pm at the same place...or however her visitation schedule falls. I feel for you. I have a bm like this and an ex. not fun. Sorry about the rambling...