Step Families Support Group
Traditionally, a stepfamily is the family one acquires when a parent enters a new marriage, whether the parent was widowed or divorced. This community is focused on many of the relationships and issues that may arise within stepfamilies where you may find answers from some members and you may help other members with their questions.
I know at this point I am not helping by constantly ignoring the situation by ignoring it. I gave up because anytime I brought it up it became an emotional draining process for me.
My issue is and has been for the past two years is that my sd refuses to clean her room. Now if she was somewhat managing or attempting to clean her room I wouldn't stress. But her room becomes hideous in the weekends time she spends here in only a weekends time. She leaves dishes and food, garbage and stinky (because she never does her laundry clothes) laying all over the floor. Then of course there is the no bed made and such.
I have had this conversation with her father a few times. He first agreed (because we made rules of the house before they moved in) that it wasn't acceptable. He promised he would help her (because she has never had to maintain her room or even have chores) with her room until she could do this on her own. Mind you she is 17. But he hasn't followed through with any of these promises. He has tried to punish her, and even help her in the beginning. But she because mean and whinny and seems to punish him in some way, a behavior she learned from her mother so then he feels bad and gives in. This leaves me as the "bad guy"....or the outsider as these punishment purks usually involve in her father taking her out to eat and to the mall for shopping or whatever.
We have given her a smaller room, which she was very happy about honestly.
I moved my parents in to the house because my father has Esophageal Cancer and I am helping my mother care for him. They have taken over the entire lower level which is where my sd used to be.
Anyway. This house has to maintain some decent level of cleanliness, germs maintained and organization to keep my father and son (who is medically challenged) healthy.
My stress level has been challenged lately which could be why I am once again becoming more aggravated by the lack of help from my sd.
My need to want to say something to her father is very high. But I am scared because he has let me down so much when it comes to this subject. We have a spectacular relationship outside of this issue here.
I usually wait for her to leave with her father on Mondays and clean her room for her. Its so much easier than stressing and waiting for someone else to do it. I used to let her room sit and start to stink, dishes become moldy. But since she has moved upstairs I can't just shut her door because it now effects the entire household. As I felt it has from the beginning.
Her father says we parent different. I am a bit strict with my kids as he would say. I raise my children with rules, responsibilities and truth of the consequences of not following through with those responsibilities.
I have a 24 year old and a 20 year old who are on their own and have been successful in life so far. I think I did ok with my parenting.
SO .....sorry for rambling.
I am just frustrated. I don't know what to do anymore......
Thank you for reading.
Shelby
My issue is and has been for the past two years is that my sd refuses to clean her room. Now if she was somewhat managing or attempting to clean her room I wouldn't stress. But her room becomes hideous in the weekends time she spends here in only a weekends time. She leaves dishes and food, garbage and stinky (because she never does her laundry clothes) laying all over the floor. Then of course there is the no bed made and such.
I have had this conversation with her father a few times. He first agreed (because we made rules of the house before they moved in) that it wasn't acceptable. He promised he would help her (because she has never had to maintain her room or even have chores) with her room until she could do this on her own. Mind you she is 17. But he hasn't followed through with any of these promises. He has tried to punish her, and even help her in the beginning. But she because mean and whinny and seems to punish him in some way, a behavior she learned from her mother so then he feels bad and gives in. This leaves me as the "bad guy"....or the outsider as these punishment purks usually involve in her father taking her out to eat and to the mall for shopping or whatever.
We have given her a smaller room, which she was very happy about honestly.
I moved my parents in to the house because my father has Esophageal Cancer and I am helping my mother care for him. They have taken over the entire lower level which is where my sd used to be.
Anyway. This house has to maintain some decent level of cleanliness, germs maintained and organization to keep my father and son (who is medically challenged) healthy.
My stress level has been challenged lately which could be why I am once again becoming more aggravated by the lack of help from my sd.
My need to want to say something to her father is very high. But I am scared because he has let me down so much when it comes to this subject. We have a spectacular relationship outside of this issue here.
I usually wait for her to leave with her father on Mondays and clean her room for her. Its so much easier than stressing and waiting for someone else to do it. I used to let her room sit and start to stink, dishes become moldy. But since she has moved upstairs I can't just shut her door because it now effects the entire household. As I felt it has from the beginning.
Her father says we parent different. I am a bit strict with my kids as he would say. I raise my children with rules, responsibilities and truth of the consequences of not following through with those responsibilities.
I have a 24 year old and a 20 year old who are on their own and have been successful in life so far. I think I did ok with my parenting.
SO .....sorry for rambling.
I am just frustrated. I don't know what to do anymore......
Thank you for reading.
Shelby
Another situation is that she doesn't like washing her dish when she is done. She leaves it for someone else to clean. I asked her why she don't just wash the dish and leave it in the rack and we can put it away with the other dishes. Her dad said it's not a big deal. One dish won't hurt but that's not the point. The point is be responsible. It's only the small stuff that gets to me. I am trying to move past the dish and not sweat it anymore. it has caused me so much emotional pain and stress. I gave up.
If I have a problem I go to my bf and talk with him about it. I let him deal with his daughter. At least she knows how I feel about her dishes or dish. The rest is up to her.
My advice would be to continue talking with your husband about it. Find the right time to chat and see if you guys can come up with an agreement that would work. 2. Plan a meeting with all three of you and bring it up as a family. She needs to be reminded of what she needs to do. 3. Free yourself from the stress. 4. See a therapist if you need to for your own sanity. That's what I am doing now. 5. I bought this book Don't sweat the small stuff for me to read to help me get over small things. 6. STOP CLEANING HER ROOM. If you keep doing it she will always expect you to. Keep her door closed. 7. Have your husband to check her room out often. He is the one that needs to see it and smell it.
I hope this helps. Keep us posted. We are here for you.
All of this is great advice. And most I have already tried. I wish I had the courage to talk with my husband. I know I need to before I blow up from the situation.
Thank you for reading and commenting.
Shelby
I agree that her father should put his foot down with her. Specially since it is only a process to teach her to be grown.
And I really cant leave her room a mess. My house has be germ and mess free for the sake of my father and son.
Thank you
Shelby
I wish you success. Maybe bit by bit? Oh, I am so sorry that you have to put up with this.
God bless you and you mom and dad and you lovely kids - and your partner.
I am fed up and life isn't getting any easier.
As far as the differences between children today and such. I believe you have to work at helping your children succeed. And it all comes from the very beginning of life. Teaching them to be respectful, teaching them to learn to help others and behave in a loving caring manner. This all takes work. Work that I value and do as a mother.
I find it hard to trust her father that anything with her is ever going to change. Her lack of wants and needs to be responsible and respectful are only going to get worse as she grows older. And I have no desire to always be "the bad guy"......
I just want what they promised in the beginning. To be respectful of the entire household.
Shelby