Step Families Support Group

Traditionally, a stepfamily is the family one acquires when a parent enters a new marriage, whether the parent was widowed or divorced. This community is focused on many of the relationships and issues that may arise within stepfamilies where you may find answers from some members and you may help other members with their questions.

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Che2 02/25/2010

I have 2 bio kids and 2 step kids...all live with me. Life is good over here but things at my ex's are not going so well. He is married to a woman that he had an affair with while we were married. Needless to say...that relationship is not great but my ex and I manage to be civil most of the time and try to work together as best we can. I have sole custody but the kids do visit over there every other weekend., Their Step-Mother is very controlling, bossy and has imposed rules that neither their dad or I have imposed in the past. Now...my 13 yr old is refusing to go back over there. I have good kids...good grades, good manners and they are respectful. She loves to use the word "appropriate" and according to her...very little that they say or do is "appropriate". Sponge Bob is inappropriate. I don't get it. I have tried not to interfere and have told the boys that it is her home...her rules. Their dad is very passive and lets her rule that roost. My youngest will still go but he is also growing tired of this. I am at a loss...it seems like her having EVERYTHING her way is more important to her than my ex being able to enjoy time with his boys. She recently sent me an e-mail and told me that she needed my support. I am over the affair. I want my boys to be happy and I want them to have a relationship with their dad but I am not sure that they should have to be subjected to her anymore and I KNOW that they should not have to be the ones doing all of the adjusting. They are literally there every other weekend and she and my ex have NO other responsibilities with the boys other than to take care of them during that time. Some people complain about "Disneyland dad's" but I have the opposite problems. I am a strict parent but that house is more like an Army Boot Camp. I am at a loss.....

deleted_user 02/25/2010

Have you tried talking to your ex's wife? You said that your kids shouldnt have to do all the adjusting. well perhaps you and her can come to a compromise. She has taken the initiave to email you so if youre open to it she may be to (a chat over coffee at a local restuarant). After that a talk with the dad would be in order and let him know that he risks the relationship with his kids because they don't want to visit. I know you want it to be good, but you dont control his relationship with them and there will come a time where you literally cannot make the kids go. I think here communication is key and realizing you can only control what happens in your home and the relationship u have with your kids. You can help but he ultimately may have to actually "step up".

I would try talking to their step-mom first being as that she's already made contact and she may feel less threatened (and less drama) if you go to her first.

Kudos to you for being your children's advocate but realize there is just so much you can do; do it and then let it go.

Good luck!

Che2 02/25/2010

I responded to her e-mail but that never goes well. She wants my help but only if that means me telling the boys that they have to listen to her. She wants no part of meeting them halfway. She goes over the top on the religious stuff..has even said that her and my ex's affair were just "part of God's plan". The more I think about it.....you are very right and I just need to back off. I have smart kids and they will know when enough is enough.

deleted_user 02/27/2010

Unfortunately, I doubt there's any more that you can do about the rules @ her house than she can do about the rules @ your house. The fact is that the kids are just going to have to accept them if they are going to visit and Dad isn't going to step in. Thank Goodness they live with you. My H's ex would drive him crazy when SD would visit her b/c that was a house with NO rules @ all, then SD would come back wilder than when she left.

In my H's custody decree, my SD could stop visiting her BM @ a certain age if she chose but until then, my H could not interfere with their visitations. If it's not being too personal, what are the rules that you have to abide by? I think Rfrew is right in talking to both SM and BD but you may not be able to change things.

Che2 02/27/2010

Luckily....my ex has said that he is not gong to "make" the kids come. he is not going to deal with the drama. My oldest is 13 but he is 6'4 and not going to be dragged anywhere, When/if the little one starts to complain too much...he won't be made to go either. I have the fortunate ( or unfortunate) upper hand here. My ex has made some big mistakes and he would never do anything like take me to court. Same issue with the Divorce. He'll be a jerk but doesn't want the world to know about it.

deleted_user 03/01/2010

Maybe Dad can do things with the kids that don't involve taking them to his house-movies, sports events, etc? That way, Dad can be in contact w/them without them having to suffer their stepmom.

and a 6-4 13-yr old?? Heavens, woman-he still has growing to do.

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