ok, when they are with you, it IS your place for discipline, no matter which method you choose. you are not their "mother" but their "mother figure" if you dont make them listen, how do you ever expect them to actually listen? They will never respect you if you are just like a big sister to them. They need to know that you are the STEPMOM, and that just means "another mom"

I am a stepmom of a 3 and a half year old. i was there thru the terrible twos and threes, and he will be four in may, and he and i have a GREAT relationship. but i had to make him respect me. not only that, but my husband also backs me up. He lets me discipline when i need to, but he also disciplines when he needs to. i know some may disagree, but when you agreed to take on this family, you also assumed this motherhood role.

i started chores when i was 6. cleaning my room, helping with the dishes, cleaning the yard. I didnt get rewarded if i did them, but i DID get punished for NOT doing them. its a family, its a home, and for it to work everyone has to pitch in! [my stepson cleans up his toys and puts his dirty clothes in his hamper. he also helps me with dishes. and he is not even 4 yet!!!!]

I also got my first alarm clock when i was 10 years old. After ignoring my clock twice and missing school, [my mom walked in and talked to my teachers about WHY i was late or not at school at all, WITH me, which was SUPER embarrassing!] i never snoozed again! i was also grounded for missing school or got a spanking.

Ahh yes those lovely mornings. My kiddos are 8 and 10 and get up with alarm clocks but that is a new thing. I have made it a huge deal to be responsible for themselves and if they don't get up then there are consequences. You sound really sweet which is GREAT when loving on them. But I think it worked best for my family to lay down the law early and establish some expectations. I would say at their ages they should be getting up and getting ready independently and have chores that are their responsibility to complete. If it is not done, they should know the consequences and you should hold them to it. Its hard, REALLY hard sometimes but (I think) important. Good luck! :)

My SS is 8 and only here everyother weekend...but he still has chores. Little stuff like keeping his room clean and always making sure that his dirty laundry makes it to the laundry room.

I do not have to get him up for school but...When I was younger, I got up with an alarm clock when I was at least 10. My sister was 8 when she started. The kids must learn resposibility. If you do not step up, these kids will walk all over you for as long as you let it go on.

My parents did not live super far from the school when I was younger so if we missed the bus, mom made us walk...or if we wanted a ride...we had to buy it.

She did play money and paid us for our chores. We had to buy snacks and friend time...if we wanted her to take us to a friends house we had to pay extra....and so on. Looking back, it was the best idea I had ever heard of and I plan on doing it with all of my children. We learned what was important and that we had to do our chores properly to get paid. We also learned money management.

Put your foot down when it comes to those kids. They live with you. Regardless of the stepmom title...YOU ARE STILL A MOM.

My kids started doing chores at 3. I use a star chart and they love watching their stars increase. My 3 year old son's chores include helping me unload the dishwasher (he puts away silverware) and helping to put away his laundry. My 8 year old's chores include folding and putting away her laundry, making her bed every morning, loading the dishwasher, and keeping her room neat. My stepkids have chores as well, but it was much harder for me to get them to do their chores; they didn't start doing them at 3. They're doing better with it now.

When my daughter was dawdling in the mornings, I tried the following approach. I informed her that my car would be leaving at such-and-such time and that she needed to be dressed and ready to go. I left it at that and, when she still was dawdling, I bit my tongue (very hard to do!) and did not issue any warnings, ultimatums, etc. At departure time, I simply said, "How sad that you chose to not get ready! Going to school in your pj's is going to be such a bummer." I put her clothes in a plastic bag, got her things, and whisked her to the car. She was so upset! I had told her teacher the day before that she may show up in pajamas and that I was trying to teach her a lesson in responsibility. (I highly recommend that you let the kids' teachers know ahead of time if you take this drastic measure!) She was very embarrassed about being taken to school in her pajamas. Her dawdling days ended after that. She has not had any problems since then with getting up and ready in the mornings.

Frazzle...thats a good idea and i will keep it in mind if it ever comes to that in my household.
Thanks!

Stick with the alarm clock and maybe set it a 1/2 hour earlier. Then when they don't get up and its time to go, you might need to let them feel the natural consequences of being late for school. After being tardy a couple times and the teacher saying something to them, they may stop. (This is something I read in several discipline books). They need to know that they have to follow the same routine with you that they do with their dad. Talk with your DH about him reinforcing your authority. Maybe he needs to agree to a consequence for their behavior and when they don't listen to you, you enforce the consequence that you and your husband set. Good luck. Children are challenging, but challenging stepchildren can be even more difficult.

Oh and as for chores- they should definitely have some! Teaches them responsibility and makes them feel apart of the household.

I have an 8, 9 & 13yo. My 13yo has an alarm clock and he wakes the other two. We have had an issue with the 13yo turning off his alarm and going back to sleep, or just not turning it on period. He definitlly has consequences when that happens. No cell phone, No DS, No hanging out after school. What ever is appropriate. I know you said you don't yell at or punish your step children which is fine, but you absolutely have to demand respect. You can tell them that you deserve thier respect at all times. Kids need to know where they stand with any adult. Especially one as important as a step mom. Maybe if you were a little less passive and told them what you expect from them, and be consistant with it, they would respect you more.
You also must have your husband back you 100%
Just my opinion

Oh I remember being tested like this!!! Mine are now 13, 16, 21 and we all go through this as step parents. Just remember they will test you ALL the time. It is up to you to be the adult and set the rules. If you don't kids are kids and they will do whatever they can get away with. As far as the respect thing... they won't respect you unless they know your limitations. As the adult watching over them while your husband is away, it is your responsibility to assure they do their responsibilities. Have you gotten the "you're not my mommy" yet?? Only one of mine asked me that after i corrected her. I told her she was correct however i am the adult minding her and these are my rules. She never questioned me again. As far as the alarm clock thing, ask the night before if their alarm is set and set yours at the same time to assure they get up. Applaud them with positive reinforcement even if it is small like they brushed their teeth without you reminding them.

The chore thing works the same way. Mine did chores at a young age and are now responsible for their living enviornment(scrubbing their tub,toilet, washing and replacing their sheets on the bed). Start off small like having them bring their plate to the sink after supper and let them know how appreciative you are for their help. Eventually they will realize their part in the household and the small things they will do without you asking.

Good luck!! You are not alone...many mornings i wanted to pull my hair out but it does get better with consistency!! Who said stepparenting was easy in any shape or form?!!!

When my husband was gone I would go upstairs and tell them ONCE "to get up "very nicely. I would get myself dressed.....if they were still not up.....I would make one phone call to my husband...'YOUR children are not up" he would go from there........they were"sick" about 2 times a week each routinely......I never put it upon myself to do anymore than that...My kids have gotten themselves up since they were 8---they have an alarm clock.....always been easy for them to be self managers of their time. My husband would tell me his kids have insomnia and they struggle(cough!).....Its his kids........I separated it because they make one crazy...they would make all these excuses up......I wasnt going to lie to the school about why they were not there.......they missed alot of school, and both quit school at the age of 15......they live with bio mom.. End of story.........
My s-kids never respected me because their mother told them they didnt have to listen to me.........it was very difficult trying to figure all this out...........good luck to you.......protect yourself and make your husband the bad guy not you....... :)

My stepson is 10 and gets up to an alarm clock. He is very good about it and is actually the one waking his dad up in the morning (I am already at work while all this is going on) :). As fas as chores go, I am lucky if I can get him to clean his own room 2 times a week, and my husband thinks that that is enough. I remember washing clothes and cleaning the bathroom when I was his age. But his dad thinks there is already too many rules and he doesn't want me to make any more. ARGH!

I agree they need to respect you, but part of what they are doing is exactly what they would be doing if they were your bio children. Kids will mind the parent who demands respect. I remember minding my dad WAY more than I did my mom. He was just tougher & we knew he meant business. Of course, back then there were big wooden paddles that hurt really bad, too!! Anyway, my point being, don't take it personally like they're just doing that to you because they're your stepchildren. I raised my oldest son (actually a "former" stepson) from the age of 2 - 16; having full custody of him in our home. I can look back now, having raised 2 more bios of my own, and see where I took alot of the irritating things he did as a child personally, when they weren't really personal at all! He was just being a normal kid & really didn't push me anymore than my 2 bios did. It always DOES help, though, to get the bio parent's support. They are definitely old enough for alarm clocks. I'd have DAD remind them to set them and you could also do the same, but in the morning if they don't get up and they are late for school, let Dad dole out the consequences & have him reassure the kids that it is NOT __________'s responsibility to wake you up in the morning. You are not in kindergarten. You are a big kid now. If you don't make it to school on time then _______, __________, or ________will be the consequence. Then stick by it. NO excuses. I wouldn't try to "help" them out either; they'll just pull you into manipulative games like all kids will.

My kids starting doing chores around 10. They where able to do little things, like empty the dishwasher, clean the dinning table ect...
When it come to waking them up, i use to do it until they became teens. It was a fight to the finish every morning but I think that comes with just being a kid. They dont get enough rest and they want to sleep as long as they possibly can. Wouldnt you? But there comes a time when they need to learn responsibility. I bought a alarm clock when they turned 13. It was a coming of age thing. I explain how to use it and it would be the way they got up. If they didn't get up they missed school and they would have to deal with the consequences, both from the school and from mom.
They missed the bus and had to walk a few times, got tardies and restriction when they got home but in the end they learned and now I have a sixteen year old who doesn't have any issues getting up when the alarm goes off. You just have to teach them that there are consequences to there lack of action.

well my 11 yr od ss gets up by alarm
my 9 yr old daughter is not getting up inless her feet touch the floor 1st
and I have to wake up my 12yr old sd too
So I am feeling your pain
My daughter is just like me though waits till the last minute to get ready ,
And I can't get my skids to do anything they are LAZY and want to be spoon fed!!
So I have just made it so they clean up after them selves and we do the rest like clothes and other househlod stuff They clean the bathroom after they use it and pickup their own clothes throw away their dinner plates and so on But it was more arguing than it was worth to get them to do chores reguarly and we have a small house so there is really not enough to be done for it to be divided 3 ways Now on the other hand my daughter will offer to help me out with laundry and dishes but skids never do . Hope this helps Good Luck!!!!