My husband and I have been married nearly five years.  He has two children, a son aged 38 and daughter, aged 35.  I have a son, aged 30. When we met, his daughter, her husband and their daughter had been living with him (rent free) for more than four years.  After we married we told his daughter they could continue to live in his house, but they would have to start paying rent after a year.  At the end of the year, they decided to move to the east coast to live in a condo (also rent free) that is owned her husband’s mother and his stepfather. 

Three years ago we had wills drafted.  We notified all the children that it was completed, and let them know that my brother had been named administrator. The sons replied by simply saying thanks for the info. My husband’s daughter, however, sent a text demanding a copy of the will. My husband told her what documents we had but did not send her a copy of the will. 

A month ago his daughter (who barely sends two or three texts a year) send my husband a message demanding to know why our wills were a “state secret”. She also told my husband he needed to make sure he included her daughter and her niece since he’s “known them longer”.

We both did a slow boil. My husband replied via email telling her the proceeds from the sale of his house were used to payoff his motorcycle, a credit card with a balance that predated our marriage and the residual was used towards the house we built together. He contributed 12% towards the purchase of the house and I paid the remaining 88% from my savings and sale of my home. He also explained that I had covered our living expenses for two years so he wouldn’t have to withdraw funds from his retirement account and our IRAs would come closer to being of equal value (my idea, not his).  He told her beginning in 2018 equal amounts will now be withdrawn from our accounts. Our retirement accounts have each other as beneficiaries and contingent beneficiaries are our respective children. Our home will be divided 88%/12% based on contributions. The message concluded by telling her we planned to enjoy our retirement which would include travel, charitable works and activities without regard to any impact it may have on the inheritances for our heirs.  He added that if she wanted her daughter included, she needed to tell us how much she wanted to reduce her inheritance to pay for it. The two sons were copied to ensure everyone received the same information. We immediately received an eloquently written response from her saying she only wanted to make sure we had medical directives, powers of attorney, blah, blah, blah.  The two sons were incensed and said the details of our assets and wills are none of her business.  

We are planning to visit my husband’s daughter and her family the beginnning of next month (a trip that was planned six months ago) and I’m dreading the visit.  This entire event has left a sour taste in my mouth. I’m confident I can be civil, but much more than that will be a big stretch. I need some advice on how to let this go.