Hi all,

I was a member of DS years ago when I was going thru an ugly divorce. DS helped immensely, and my ex and I now co-parent well.

I got remarried. My wife is a wonderful woman, friend, and confidant...and

Her ex suffers from a personality disorder. When my wife and I got serious, she planned to move in w/ me along with her two sons, then 13 and 8 (now 19 and 14). Long story short, they were on board and looking forward to the move. Then bio dad threatened to the older son that he would move to Oregon and forget all about his son, start over with a new family. Shortly after that, he bought son a phone. When we set a boundary for son that he could not stay up texting all night, eventually taking away the phone at around 1AM on a school night, bio father threatened my then fiance with having her arrested for stealing the phone. She returned it to father who turned around and gave it to son. This started a downward spiral where older son became antagonistic toward me. A custody battle ensued; the court awarded full physical and legal custody to her/us. However, older son, coached by the father, decided that he was going to live with dad because he'd be free to do whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted.

However, he blamed me as the ogre, saying I wasn't safe for him to be around. In truth, I infuriated him one day when I suggested to him that he would regret the day he decided to choose one parent over the other, telling him that he should let the Court and mediators make the decision. Being a 14 YO, he was enraged. There were other times when we butted heads...I'm not trying to paint myself out to be a saint. Younger son saw how unreasonable his older brother was though and said as much.

FAST FORWARD to now. The night before younger son was to come back to us after Christmas vacation, his father sent a text to my wife on younger son's phone, no less (father can't maintain a phone for himself, nor pay bills, and lives with his parents), saying that younger son feels unsafe around me so he'm moving in with father. There was also complaint about school being too hard.

So here's why I'm here. I'm feeling pretty awful. Not that I am totally to blame, but I recognize I played a part in both of her children abandoning her. I know cognitively that it's not all my fault, but since I'm the common thread that they both identified as the problem they couldn't overcome, I'm caught holding the bag. My biggest fear and doubt is that she'll never be able to get over this. When all settles in, when she's processed the loss, what happens when her anger turns toward me? Am I off target?

My wife, who is a LMFT, says that I need to work on my childhood issues, that I'm rigid and overbearing to her boys. I admit I can be from time to time, and I don't have the best reactions to their passive aggressive conduct. I'm a probation officer 25 years into my career. I work in a mental health program, which has been my assignment (that I sought out) for 5 years now. I am not the Hondo, hook em and book em wish I was a cop type of probation officer. I listen. I walk with them to try to understand them so they will accept my feedback.

I guess I'm struggling to know what to accept, what to let slide, and what I really need to address. I see a large part of the problem as the boys being conned by their father. We already know he's lied to manipulate them, repeatedly for years, and he bad mouths my wife and me. We believe he's been planning to ambush her/us for years. Moreover, any normal issue he catastrophizes. So, when I raised my voice at my bio son, for example, with my younger step-son watching, it became me slamming my hand down repeatedly and being unsafe for him to be around because he's suddenly afraid of me...after 7 years. I've laid hands on him zero times except in play, etc. And I know there are plenty of other ways to intimidate, etc. But it feels so much of what we have is fairly normal step family issues that are blown out of proportion by their bio father.

Ideas, insight, questions, etc., are all welcome.