Step Families Support Group
Traditionally, a stepfamily is the family one acquires when a parent enters a new marriage, whether the parent was widowed or divorced. This community is focused on many of the relationships and issues that may arise within stepfamilies where you may find answers from some members and you may help other members with their questions.
Hello all...
This is the first time I have posted in this group. I am a long time member to DS, but am new to this forum... Something come up today that I need to share and get off my shoulders :)
I have two sons (ages 25 and 31) from my first marriage. And a 17 yr old son from my second (current) marriage.
We had some serious struggles while my eldest were growing up... Long story short, I didn't "allow" my new hubby to parent my sons. Not on purpose... but I did this. And resentment followed of course. My hubby and I ended up going to separate ends of the spectrum. I was too lenient, he was too strict.
.... And the two boys paid the price!
It was really hard as our youngest got older and I could see how my husband finally could see how parenting was not as black and white as he always thought it was when it came to the older boys. I was glad he figured it out... but saddened he didn't figure it out for the older one.
Needless to say... there was resentment and not the best of relationships between step dad and step sons.
Now that they are all grown... I was hoping this was behind us. But there is STILL resentment and hurt feelings. The eldest and step dad do pretty good... Maybe its not perfect, but I think they have for the most part put the past behind them.
I thought this was true for my middle boy too. However, he moved in with us about 6 months ago... and it turns out there are still problems between him and his step dad.... on both sides. My son is convinced step dad does not really care about him.... My hubby says he loves him, and I believe he does, but at the same time... there is still issues and my son is moving out. He is 25, so him moving out is not an issue...
it just hurts me sooo much to see this still be an issue all these years later.
It hurts be because I could have done so much better many years ago!
It hurts me because my husband could have done so much better years ago
It hurts me because these two adult men are still paying the price for the BS of years ago that they were victims to.
If you are in a step parent relationship.... and your kids are young... do all you can to find a way to work it out and create balance now.... I tread water knowing one day the boys would be grown and gone and then it would not be an issue anymore.... Ha! Was that a joke! It is still an issue and it breaks my heart! No one wins in this situation, especially not the kids.
And my youngest son.... the one who's bio to both of us.... I've no idea how growing up around all of this has affected him, but I am sure it has!
Thank you for listening :)
This is the first time I have posted in this group. I am a long time member to DS, but am new to this forum... Something come up today that I need to share and get off my shoulders :)
I have two sons (ages 25 and 31) from my first marriage. And a 17 yr old son from my second (current) marriage.
We had some serious struggles while my eldest were growing up... Long story short, I didn't "allow" my new hubby to parent my sons. Not on purpose... but I did this. And resentment followed of course. My hubby and I ended up going to separate ends of the spectrum. I was too lenient, he was too strict.
.... And the two boys paid the price!
It was really hard as our youngest got older and I could see how my husband finally could see how parenting was not as black and white as he always thought it was when it came to the older boys. I was glad he figured it out... but saddened he didn't figure it out for the older one.
Needless to say... there was resentment and not the best of relationships between step dad and step sons.
Now that they are all grown... I was hoping this was behind us. But there is STILL resentment and hurt feelings. The eldest and step dad do pretty good... Maybe its not perfect, but I think they have for the most part put the past behind them.
I thought this was true for my middle boy too. However, he moved in with us about 6 months ago... and it turns out there are still problems between him and his step dad.... on both sides. My son is convinced step dad does not really care about him.... My hubby says he loves him, and I believe he does, but at the same time... there is still issues and my son is moving out. He is 25, so him moving out is not an issue...
it just hurts me sooo much to see this still be an issue all these years later.
It hurts be because I could have done so much better many years ago!
It hurts me because my husband could have done so much better years ago
It hurts me because these two adult men are still paying the price for the BS of years ago that they were victims to.
If you are in a step parent relationship.... and your kids are young... do all you can to find a way to work it out and create balance now.... I tread water knowing one day the boys would be grown and gone and then it would not be an issue anymore.... Ha! Was that a joke! It is still an issue and it breaks my heart! No one wins in this situation, especially not the kids.
And my youngest son.... the one who's bio to both of us.... I've no idea how growing up around all of this has affected him, but I am sure it has!
Thank you for listening :)
Take care, J.
This will all work out. And also, my first mesg is not real clear. My son is not moving out because him and stepdad don't get along, hes moving out because he's not doing anything he was suppose to do (get job, etc) and I told him he had to leave end of Sept. (Breaks my heart, but it is the right thing and even my son 'gets it') But now we were hassling over the $$ he owes us for his phone... and a bunch of other crap...
Today, I told my hubby (left him a card this am in his lunch box cause he leaves so early) that right or wrong... I believe everyone is this world deserves to have someone who's always on their side, even when they mess up, who always goes to bat for them, even when they didn't earn it, to even spoil them when they don't deserve it... The rest of the world is not that way and shouldn't be... but we should all have one person who is there for us no matter what.
And for my 3 sons... this is me. And even if its wrong, I make no apologies for it. That I didn't mean to hurt him (my hubby) but I cannot change and I don't want to change.
He sent me a text on his break... said he loved me more than there were words for, and that he decided he was not going to worry about the whole Terence (my son) thing.
I'd like to say I am thrilled. I think I feel relief, but not thrilled because I know I am not 100% right by no means! I do think tho without the pressure from him, I will be able to be tough where needed. Heck! I kicked the kid out! Its not like I'm a total push over!
****SIGH*** Thanks for listening :) Today is better. We will be ok.