Rather than a lock, I'd get a small safe and keep that in your closet. Lots of kids go through stages of taking stuff. Most (not all, but most) turn themselves around and become responsible people. But in the meantime, locking up your good jewelry is for the best.

While it's not ideal, I wouldn't sweat the stuff like clothes or costume jewelry.

Meanwhile, if it's at all possible, I'd spend more time just one-on-one with her.

I considered getting a small safe, but she is taking so many more things. One of my favorite jackets, clothes, etc. Its not just the material things, its the lack of trust and feeling uncomfortable in my own house. This week I felt myself becoming kind of crazy constantly looking for my things in her room (I believe some of my things are still missing) and checking my room. I feel like I need the lock put on my bedroom for my own sanity.

I know I SHOULD spend some one on one time with her, but honestly, at this point, I really don't even like being around her. I never got an apology from her. I am putting together a few things for her for Valentine's Day (as I usually do). I know its sad, but I really don't even want to try with the one one one. I have offered in the past before to take her out to eat etc., and she didn't seem interested at all. It seems like now that her mother is back in the picture, she is even more distant with me than ever (her mom was MIA for about six years).

If you feel that way then you should do something about it as an adult for this is not only your husbands house this is your house as well. If you don't feel safe then buy a lock for your room and explain why, and if you don't communicate to her your feelings how will she know? Do you know what she is thinking? And if you don't want to be around her or spend time with her why is she still in your house? And why are you putting stuff together for her for V Day? You have to ask yourself those questions and turn the situation around.

It would be best for you to speak with your husband first and for you both to talk to her you need to figure out what you really want to do with her situation because at the end of the day you saw that child grow up. I wish you good luck and hopefully you can sort it all out.

I got on this board when my ex husband moved in with his girlfriend.

He left in September, started dating her within weeks.

My daughter was 5. That following May she told me that she was giving her step-mom her pre-school Mother's Day present.

Um. Choices. How to react. Rather than talking to my ex, or getting mad at my daughter, I decided to accept it.

***Turned out the present involved chocolate, my daughter ate it herself, and lied about giving it to Ramona. (I found the remains the following spring and figured it out.)***

My point is: When it's your own child going through phases of bad behavior, we tend to take it differently. Sure you can get a lock. Doing that may also damage your relationship with her for the next 40 years. Over what? A few hundred dollars?

I'll challenge you to put aside your feelings over the clothes and focus on the big picture. More concerning by FAR is that it's possible that she's selling stuff for drug money or something like that.

What's the solution to that?

Some will say Tough Love. I call BS on tough love. Tough love is an excuse to be tough and has little to do with love. Attachment has much more to do with love. Dump the few things you're putting together and spend Time with the girl. Listen. Be present.

Especially NOW, when she seems to be having issues. She doesn't need you when all is right in the world with her. She needs you when life is rough.

And forget the "sorrys" I've never found them to be of much use with either of my kids.

If your marriage ends up in divorce, and your boys have to live with a step mother...how do you want her to treat them?

***The Mother's Day present is now a funny family joke and a bonding thing with my daughter. Took years, but now she "gets" my sacrifice and how much I sucked it up to put her first.***

Patti,
Thanks for sharing. I may not be handling this as best as I can but I am trying. I am nice and try to talk to her when she is home. However, it just seems like she is giving minimal responses to me and doesn't want to talk much less spend time with me.

Maybe it hurt my relationship that I put a lock on my bedroom door, but there were so many problems being caused by my missing things, I felt I had to do it for my sanity. One weekend I needed to do some work from my laptop and I was on a deadline. I realized part of my cord that goes from my laptop battery to the wall needed to charge it was missing. My husband had to run out and purchase a new one at the last minute. It was very stressful, and I'm sure she took it. Its stuff like this that keeps happening and I just want to be able to relax and know my things are safe. Despite all of these issues, I continue to be very nice to her. I am just not going out of my way to try to do things with her because she is barely home, and when she is she seems like she wants nothing to do with me.

She was not in town for Valentine's day weekend. The reason I chose to get her a little something is because its kind of a tradition that I have done for her and her sister every year. Her mother was out of the picture for 6 years. I believe there is some abandonment issues there. So, I feel like I have to try to be consistent and do what I always have. I left a very sweet card saying that I love her even though I may not see her or tell her all the time and that I am always here for her. I also left her some granola I made and a walking dead comic that she likes. She doesn't say "thank you", only acknowledges receiving it if I asked her if I got the right volume, etc. I have opened the lines of communication in the past, and I think I am just afraid to do it again. It puts me in a vulnerable place and I almost dont know if I want to "open that can of worms" and hear what she has to say to me. I feel like my husband is there and spends time talking to her, etc. I am here and try to talk, but have been avoiding the deeper issues because she seems to barely want to talk about light issues with me.

I will continue to try though and have hope. Her 21 year old sister when through this exact same phase when she was 17, and now I feel like we have a much better relationship.

Patti,
Why is putting a lock on my bedroom door such a bad thing? I could understand if I am "shutting her out" emotionally, ignoring her, telling her to live with her mother- that would be damaging. I am nice, I try to talk to her (I admit I have been ignoring big issues and letting my husband talk to her about these).

I feel that I should have the right to trust that my belongings are safe in my own home. I was having significant anxiety over, this and if a lock helps, why is this so bad? A person has to draw a line somewhere and I believe she has been stealing from me for over a year. Why should I allow this to go on?

I am going through the exact same thing except I've only known my 18 year old stepdaughter for almost 2 years. I've been staying with her and my husband for a year now and she steals everything and tears all my bras. I feel so helpless. Her parents have been divorced for 10 years now. I had not met my husband then. I try so much to be a good stepmother but honestly I don't want this child in my house anymore. Right now I'm pregnant and I would like to enjoy my pregnancy peacefully. I feel like I regret letting my husband to let her come stay with us. She is so overwhelming and creepy

She moved in at an early age and somewhere along the line you failed to build a strong relationship with her. That’s how I see it anyway.

Now that she’s 17, it’s going to be tough, if not impossible.

My step daughter moved in with me when she just turned 4. I have spent countless hours building our relationship. It’s been 10 years now.

She’s 14, she’s a straight A student and I have no issues with her at all.

Anyway... instead of putting up locks, teach her responsibility and invite her to borrow anything she wants. Sure, she will lose things and break things but she’s a teenager. Love her. Love her as your own. Love her like how Jesus loves you.

Love her without any strings attached. Love her with no expectation that she will love you back.

Problem solved.

I have exactly the same issue with my 12 year old step daughter. And get this - she stole my vibrator! She actually stole my vibrator! That and a bunch of my knickers and a few bra’s. So I completely get where you’re coming from here. At the end of the day, stealing is wrong, whether it’s stealing from a family member, a friend or a perfect stranger, it shouldn’t be overlooked. Her dad has had a word with her twice now and it’s only been happening for about a month so we’re keeping an eye on it together. The frustrating thing is that when things first started going missing I thought I was going mad and my partner didn’t even believe me until I actually went into her bedroom after my vibrator had gone missing and produced it from her rucksack. He was incredibly apologetic to me and immediately had a word with her quietly and privately but she was absolutely devastated and embarrassed. I really felt for her. I used to go through my sisters belongings when I was a little girl because she had fun and interesting things. I was always ‘borrowing’ things from my mum’s room and would eventually get found out, told off and would have to give it back. I took the things from my mum simply because they were nice and I wanted them and when you’re a kid you don’t really have the disposable income to be able to buy yourself nice things, especially coming from a poor background. But as I grew older I understood it was wrong, invasive and upsetting for the other person and I have never stolen anything since. I know exactly where his daughter is coming from, been there done that. The difference is I was taking nice things from my mum like purses, jewellery and scarves. My step daughter has stolen a pair of my period pants... I’ll just leave that with you for a moment. She’s taken a variety of pretty knickers, bras and stockings but I don’t get the period pants?! And although it’s a very personal item to take and kinda gross, I can kind of understand the vibrator because due to her age she doesn’t really have access to this kind of stuff like I do and she’s getting to that age where she’s going to be curious about that sort of stuff. But the period pants?! I mean, really?! This situation is still in its infancy so I will keep you posted with any updates. Still trying to figure out how to approach her as I’ve never had any children of my own so it’s all new to me. Thanks for listening!

P.S. if you have any questions, I’m happy to answer and any advice I’m willing to take!

I dont think putting a lock on your door is a bad thing, I 100% get it when you are putting in all your time and energy concerned about your belongings and thinking to yourself did I put this up, or is that put away worrying about if it is going to go missing and it makes you feel better and takes some of your anxiety away then put them locks up girl