I sent you a message about how this makes me feel.

It is not normal. How old is she?

Dear RoseRed811,

She is 17.....treated like she's 30, dresses like she's 25 and acts like she is 10.....maybe 8.

I'm not sure this is normal but I can tell you that I have felt the VERY SAME WAY with my 16 yr. old sd. My household set up is definitely a factor I think, where she is the only kid at home now. But YES, I have felt this way many times. Communication is important of course; tell your husband/boyfriend how you are feeling and what you need. In doing so, try your best not to set up a "me" vs. "her" situation. The other ways I handle it is to be affectionate with my husband in front of her (within reason of course) and be natural with showing womanly attributes, behavior, the way I speak and dress (elegant, classy, and conservative). I sometimes sense jealously from her even when I cook special meals. She is sometimes complimentary but I can tell she doesn't want to give me full credit. It's nothing but immaturity and jealously. I'm willing to teach her but she doesn't want to learn from me so I don't bother anymore. After 8 years of being in her life FULL-TIME, I am finally learning to pick my battles. And trust me, we have had many.

My stepdaughter is the same age and until recently had a very similar maturity level. Things have improved lately, but for a long time I had a hard time being around her because she treated me like I was invisible. She also looks a lot like her mom and I think she was channeling her mother's anger for awhile, so yes, I did feel like "the other woman." Weird, but my husband would even cool off his affection for me a lot when she was around. It was a very weird, messed-up feeling. However, now that she has found her own identity and independence, things are much better from her end, and I'm seeing her as more of her own person and I can deal with her on her own terms.

I can relate to being a second class citizen in the home when my step daughter comes. I am learning that she may have no idea where to dump her mother's expectations and that my husband feels guilty so he indugles her. Which makes me look like a jerk anytime I want to establish boundaries.

My boyfriend's daughter is over 25, has children and lives over a thousand miles away. Yet when she found out I was seeing her father, he tells me she got very jealous and wanted him to end it. I do not think this behavior is normal in any form. I have never met her and have no interest in meeting her. I know this bothers him but he says he can't make her like me so she has to accept it. As I read your comments here, I wonder why this behavior exists.

AT Redrose811,

I really wish I understood as well. In the beginning of the relationship we had a wonderful relationship.....then it suddenly took a almost jealous tone. Things like coming right in between her father and I is we were sitting together. Or verbally crying because I got something and she didn't. Then after I began to become irritated by her room constantly being a mess (not just regular messy teenager, but beyond acceptable) things got really bad.
It doesn't help that her mother has the maturity level of about a 12 years old either and promotes her mean behavior.
But I have always given her and her father time together. In fact I took a job where I work most weekends so they have plenty of time together.
It really hurts my feelings that it has to be this way, Because I would never let my children (two of which are full grown men at 24 and 21) treat her father like that. Nor would they ever dream of it. Because as her fathers likes to say to me "we parent different"...... I expect respect, accountability and honest from my children. I am somewhat of a hard ass I guess according to some people. I have raised my children to be prepared for live and the reality of the fact that nothing is handed to you and working for what you have is the only way to survive. Also to treat people the way that you would want to be treated......and always support those you love emotionally.
This weighs heavily on my heart because I truly do love this man more than anything......

Shelby,

Sorry you're going through all this. I think any step parent can relate to what you're going through. I have a hard time watching my step daughters up bringing. Their Mom is on the opposite side of the fence on what my husband wants to do. It's a hard thing to watch.

I hope your situation is improving.

Dear Jlh2375,

Thank you. I am making through day by day. I know my love loves me. That helps me get through.....
I hope you are doing well.
Hugs and loves
Shelby

I understand what you are talking about. I had to go through therapy for this type of situation. I have a few things to say that might help you.

1. Take your focus off your stepdaughter and how she is dressed.
2. Focus more on your relationship with your partner
3. Don't compare
4. Be confident in who you are.
5. Try to establish a good communication with your stepdaughter and stay positive.

it's very tough and that's exactly what I had to do. it gets easier as you practice positive thinking instead of negative thoughts.

I hope this helps.