Step Families Support Group
Traditionally, a stepfamily is the family one acquires when a parent enters a new marriage, whether the parent was widowed or divorced. This community is focused on many of the relationships and issues that may arise within stepfamilies where you may find answers from some members and you may help other members with their questions.
My stepdaughter has lived with us full time for the past 3 years. Her bio mom comes in and out, rarely sees her and is working on her 5th child so has no time for the two kids of hers me and my husband raise. This has caused a lot of chaos for the kids to say the least.
The oldest child, who isn't biologically ours but who also lives with us full time had problems in the beginning, but has straightened out and is like any other normal child. She's never a problem, everyone always comments on how helpful she is when we go anywhere.
But my actual stepdaughter who is 6 is more than a handful. Handful isn't even the word....life draining...a nightmare. Everyday is a struggle. She was diagnosed with Oppositional Defiant Disorder and was doing well for awhile but lately has been getting worse and the school is now bringing in the school social worker to see what exactly is going on with her or if it's something beyond ODD.
Don't get me wrong I love this child. I've read all the books on her disorder, sat for 2 hours every week with her for counseling, speak with her teacher weekly, taken her to the doctor for tests, we've done everything to try and help this child because her behavior is so out of control. I even keep her bio mom up to date about what's going on with her so we can be all on the same page to actually help her and be consistent when she does visit every few months. (despite the mothers lack of involvement)
But lately it's been too much for me and I'm starting to resent being in this situation. It seems like the child is worse with me, she's very disrespectful and tries whatever she can to get my attention (mostly bad attention) if I ignore her to not give her the bad attention she does something even worse that I have to address what she's doing. To her it's a game. I know she's starved for a mothers attention because of the situation with her bio mom. But I'm just not equipped to deal with her and it's damaging to everyone. It makes me question my marriage and what I got myself into.
I've even wondered if this child is pathological. She's manipulative and seems to know exactly what she's doing. She has no fear of authority and will smirk when she gets in trouble. I mean some days I'm actually scared to have her around other kids because she is violent. when we go anywhere she is wild and doesn't behave and I feel like I'm such a horrible parent that I can't get this child under control.
I dont' know how to help her anymore. I've exhausted so many avenues and it's to the point where I hate having to get up out of bed every day and go through another day of hell with this child or be anxious about how she's gonna be that day. This is not a normal life. It's not a healthy life for anyone in the family. I just don't know what to do...
The oldest child, who isn't biologically ours but who also lives with us full time had problems in the beginning, but has straightened out and is like any other normal child. She's never a problem, everyone always comments on how helpful she is when we go anywhere.
But my actual stepdaughter who is 6 is more than a handful. Handful isn't even the word....life draining...a nightmare. Everyday is a struggle. She was diagnosed with Oppositional Defiant Disorder and was doing well for awhile but lately has been getting worse and the school is now bringing in the school social worker to see what exactly is going on with her or if it's something beyond ODD.
Don't get me wrong I love this child. I've read all the books on her disorder, sat for 2 hours every week with her for counseling, speak with her teacher weekly, taken her to the doctor for tests, we've done everything to try and help this child because her behavior is so out of control. I even keep her bio mom up to date about what's going on with her so we can be all on the same page to actually help her and be consistent when she does visit every few months. (despite the mothers lack of involvement)
But lately it's been too much for me and I'm starting to resent being in this situation. It seems like the child is worse with me, she's very disrespectful and tries whatever she can to get my attention (mostly bad attention) if I ignore her to not give her the bad attention she does something even worse that I have to address what she's doing. To her it's a game. I know she's starved for a mothers attention because of the situation with her bio mom. But I'm just not equipped to deal with her and it's damaging to everyone. It makes me question my marriage and what I got myself into.
I've even wondered if this child is pathological. She's manipulative and seems to know exactly what she's doing. She has no fear of authority and will smirk when she gets in trouble. I mean some days I'm actually scared to have her around other kids because she is violent. when we go anywhere she is wild and doesn't behave and I feel like I'm such a horrible parent that I can't get this child under control.
I dont' know how to help her anymore. I've exhausted so many avenues and it's to the point where I hate having to get up out of bed every day and go through another day of hell with this child or be anxious about how she's gonna be that day. This is not a normal life. It's not a healthy life for anyone in the family. I just don't know what to do...
You are a very kind person for going through all of this. My hat is off to you.
Sounds so exhausting for you. And I cant imagine what the other child deals with as well.
Yes, hats off to you!
Good luck!!
And sadly the child that isn't his is the well behaved child. So my bond with her is much stronger than with my husbands child because she is more open to having me as a mother.
time without the children is very slim. since their mother doesn't come for regular visits the judge reduced her visits dramatically, leaving us with the kids even more. I find lately that I'm coming up with any excuse to be late coming home because I dread picking the kids up. It's made me rethink being a mother to my own child someday which has not been easy to come to terms with. But quite honestly I wouldn't want my own child around the 6 year old, I'd be too nervous as to what she would do if the attention was not on her.
You are in a tough spot and quite honestly he is making it more difficult on you. That is my 2 cents.
then yesterday we get a paper in the mail saying the child that isn't ours won't have insurance so now we will have to pay that bill as well when we are barely making it as it is. And then on top of it when I picked the kids up from school my stepdaughter was so angry with me cause she didn't get to go to the babysitters to play with the other kids and had to come home instead that she wouldn't even walk next to me. She bolted out of the school and walked at least 10 feet away the whole time and I felt so embarrassed that this child hates me so much. I try to give her so much love and it's like she just throws it back in my face. I've given up so much for these kids and it feels like a waste.
It's frustrating because I feel resentful toward the biological mom for abandoning these kids and it's somehow all on my shoulders cause I'm the one that does the finances and pays the bills. I can't afford to pay insurance on a second kid who isn't even ours. That makes me sound like a horrible person but so many people live off of the state and yet the state told us we have "fell through the cracks" and can't get any help for raising this child who literally has no immediate family. And because she lives with her half sister (my stepdaughter) they said technically she lives with family so we can't get help. Yet I know their mom is sitting on her ass and doesn't work and just keeps getting all the help she can cause she's pregnant once again. She's also $2000 behind on child support which we will never see. If it was the other way around and my husband was $2000 behind on child support he'd be in jail.
Sadly I dont' know how much longer I can stay in this situation. I work part time and go to college full time and when I get home I don't want to have to be treated like crap by a 6 year old and have my husband sit there and not say anything to her. It's just reinforcing her bad behavior.
I just dont' know how much more energy I have left in me...
If I were you, I would talk to your husband and let him know the severity of this situation. If he thought you might want to leave he may change his attitude.
He NEEDS to be a man and step up. It's just unfair to you.