Step Families Support Group
Traditionally, a stepfamily is the family one acquires when a parent enters a new marriage, whether the parent was widowed or divorced. This community is focused on many of the relationships and issues that may arise within stepfamilies where you may find answers from some members and you may help other members with their questions.
My husband and I have been married for 3 years and have known each other for 5 years. I have a 12 year old step son. The visitation schedule is every other weekend and every Tuesday night. His mother lives 15 miles away. My husband does all of the transportation and all of the sports practices. The schedule changes constantly, based on sports or if his mother has something going on. I never know what the schedule is for the weekend. My husband told me that his son should be able to come over any time and for as long as he wants to. I have two grown children. One is renting out the basement of our house. He is engaged to be married and I do not see him a lot. The problem when my stepson comes over is there are no rules. He doesn't have to eat meals. He can get whatever he wants out of the fridge, drink all the pop he wants, eat all the candy he wants, watch tv and play any video games he wants, and leaves garbage and dishes everywhere around the house. He does not have to shower, even when he is here 4-5 days in a row. I have asked my husband if we can set some rules that we both agree with, but he has responded that he does not want his son's visits to be unhappy. I spend a lot of time cleaning, picking up, trying to make sure there is food left for me and never knowing when he is going to be here. My husband is adamant that I am being selfish and that I don't like his son. I just want to know the schedule, have a little time for us, and have some rules. Is that too much? I feel like I do not exist in my own home.
1. You have to learn to take care of yourself because in this “family” - you only have yourself! Don’t over-invest! Don’t volunteer to do tasks, chores etc. because you will have all the responsibility and ABSOLUTELY NO AUTHORITY.
2. If you can, go out and get a mini-frig. They aren’t expensive. Place your food in it and/or hide you food for piggy, I mean your stepson. Let your stepson eat and eat and eat until there’s no food in the house. You have your supplies, don’t worry about it. Let your buck-passing husband get more for piggy.
3. Keep your personal areas clean and organized – don’t care about the common areas. If piggy makes a mess – you should tell him what he has probably already told you so many times before, but reverse it. “I’M NOT YOUR MOTHER!” If piggy’s sperm donor has something to say about it – simply set a boundary – you are no one’s slave! Let the house become a pig pin and let the little piggy’s Daddy clean up after the little piglet.
4. Keep your own schedule after telling your husband that you need advance notice. When after you say to him a few times, “sorry honey, can’t do, I already have plans!”
You probably already know this – Piggy is just like his Daddy! Daddy doesn’t respect or value you so why should his son? You need to change your thinking from “we are a family” to “every man for him or herself”.
Good Luck!