in certain cases i always feel the need to ask my H thins about his son (5) whom i am raising w my kids...my SS does see his mother every other weekend but i am a stay at home mom and I do all the work for ALL the kids. if he weree ever to tell me i didnt know what was bes for him the child would be in daycare. you need to explain to the child father that if he wants youto be his mother he has to let you. in my situation no one wants me to be my SS mother..... you simply need to put your feelings on the table and let him know how you are feeling...good luck though because from experience being a mother to a child that is not yours is VERY hard and complicated....

I found that being a SM was no more than being an unpaid babysitter for my SD. My H was the same way-he wanted me to be her mother but only when it was inconvenient for him to be her father and only if I agreed with him regarding something to do with her. I couldn't buy her clothes, take her anywhere without his permission, didn't dare disagree with him re: my SD. He set the rules and chose punishments and rewards and made it very clear that he was doing it alone. I paid for her room to be added to my house but I wasn't allowed to help decorate it. But, when she needed money, a ride, or he forgot to sign some of her school papers, I was her "mother"-then I was back to SM again. I was told innumberable times that I didn't know what I was doing b/c I didn't give birth to her.

I would confront him about his waffling back and forth for what little good it did me. We tried counseling and as soon as we were done, he was back to the old habits again. It taught her that she did not have to respect me as a parent and she got by with being disobedient and disrespectful and got into all sorts of trouble. Eventually, her behavior was so bad that it got her evicted after she turned 18 and that almost destroyed our marriage. But, then again, there wasn't much of one anyway. Now, with her out, things have improved dramatically.

I don't have any great advice to give b/c nothing I did ever seemed to help. I was damned if I tried, damned if I didn't. I tolerated their attitudes for 12 hard years before the incident that caused me to remove her from the house.

The only light @ the end of the tunnel for me is that now, as an adult, when she comes back for money or anything else, I tell her she's her father's daughter, go to him. He is 100% responsible for giving her money, paying her car and college, housing, everything. I'm not her mother, I never was, and finally, that is working to my advantage b/c I'm not paying a dime for her anymore.

All I can say is keep talking to your H-maybe you can make him see that what he says and how he acts are sending conflicting messages to you and the child and how it could eventually harm him and your marriage. Good luck.

One more thing, if you don't already have children with your H, then don't get pregnant yet. You really need to find out where this is going before you introduce more children in the picture. If he doesn't respect you as a parent now, he may not respect you as a parent later. Plus, if you discover that the situation, like mine did, is just getting worse, having children involved makes the whole thing much more difficult. You really need to have a strong solid marriage before having more kids. And if you find that it becomes intolerable to the point that you want to move on, you don't have the issues that children could bring. If your H doesn't get better, do you really want to raise your children in a marriage that shows favoritism to his son and with a man that treats you like you are not a partner?

I know you love your H but the main reason I tolerated the crap situation I did was b/c we had kids together. If it hadn't been for them, I would've walked a long time ago and taken my chances that something better was going to come into my life. It just so happened things did work out but don't count on it. Really know that things are the way you want it before having more kids.

Yes, you are in a catch 22...your DH is being unreasonable here to expect you to parent but have no say so. That is what trips me out about this whole stepparenting situation. If your spouse keeps putting up the brick wall of "he's not your birth child" but then they want you to care for them 24/7. It is certainly unfair!!
Share how you feel with your DH. Tell him how he makes you feel when he expects you to care for his son but tells you you don't know what's best for him. Then if he continues to feel that way, just step back on the major decision issues. Let your DH make them- alone and support him in his decisions. I doubt he will enjoy doing much of that, and eventually he may ask your opinion or input. Meanwhile, you have to find a balance that works for you between caring for your SS and being apart of decision making for him (including with discipline).

Maybe to your husband, mother & stepmother aren't that different - they are not empowered individuals. If so, find out now and before more kids are involved. Find out exactly what he thinks a mother is & isn't, what he thinks a father is & isn't and then decide what to do if that either doesn't fit with what you think or what he says & does don't agree.

I started to write a post, but my situation is very close to what Boot had with her SD. However, I had two stepsons and one stepdaughter. I am dealing with the issues big time right now.

My SD is 14, so I have 3 1/2 more years and we will be home free....for the most part...at least we don't have to worry about custody type issues.

You and your hubby needs to be on the same page with each other. You really need to tell him he can't have it both ways.....You have to try to remain firm with this....yes, it is very difficult.....believe me I know.

Your SS is only 3....this is a great opportunity to bond with the child as he is still small. There are a lot of self help books out there that will put things into perspective too.