Have you always had problems with her? That's a long time to suffer! I think I would have to start putting my foot down and making the parents take care of their own kids. Its hard though, cause I love my little step grandbabies! And if your husband doesn't stand by you on these issues its like fighting a losing battle. I would want to do things for them too! But if the parents aren't being respectful you have to pull back.

Its a shame that she doesn't appreciate what you and your husband do for her and the children. I am sorry your going through this.
I know that there isn't a lot that you could do to try to change or even make her award of her behavior, I know this because I have a stepdaughter that I am imagining will be grown someday and be appreciative as well.
My spouse does anything and everything for her without holding her accountable for her actions. She steals, lies, takes everything for granted and if she doesn't get her way she throws fits. She 17.
So I feel your pain. And I am guessing your husband may be aware he has just enabled her for so long that he has no clue how to change the behavior?
My spouse does this for his daughter out of guilt. His children constantly use the "breaking up the family" as a get out of all or get what they want ticket. It works.
I think the hardest part of being a step parent is having differences in the way you raise the children. I know that's my issue. I have raised my children with respect and accountability, and with that comes responsibility. But that's a hard way to raise kids. Its easier to just cater to them.
I am sorry again that your suffering through your husbands lack of parenting. And I give you strength as you are going to need it for those grandchildren who are learning the behavior from their parents as well.
(((hugs)))
Shelby

Thank you for your kind thoughts and support. When I married my husband, he had custody of his children. His daughter has always been resentful but has become even more so now since she has developed a relationship with her mother. She and her husband are teaching the grandchildren against me too, I'm afraid or either her mother is. And my step daughter is teaching them to lie to get their way. They used to call me grandma. Now the children try to call me by my first name or say "you are not our real grandma." I tell them I love you like a real grandma though.

Its a shame that this happens often. My relationship with my stepdaughter was really great for the first 10 months as well, that is until her and her mother's relationship was repaired. I have come accustom to the way things are. I have never done anything to either the mother or the daughter, the only thing I have ever asked of the daughter is to be respectful to my home (mind you rules were agreed upon and know well before they moved in). She couldn't do that, still doesn't do that. Her only responsibility is to keep her room clean. She doesn't and I have given up all urges to even attempt to see it happen. I think its just best for you to learn to come accustom to the way things are.
You stepdaughter is grown so your situation is a bit different. I think when my step daughter reaches the age of adult I will feel different. Right now, its a ending battle for me so I just wait for her to leave and clean her room like I would for a 6 year old child. Mind you my 8 year old does all of his chores, which include his room. But that is the difference in the way that we have parented.
My relationship means more to me, but believe me it has taken time to get to this point. And it does still bother me ever time I am cleaning her room. Specially since I feel like she (daughter) is not doing what she is well aware of what I expect from her.
Then I also know that all this is a direct effect on her lack of responsibility of everything. She's behind on her credits for high school as a Junior, she has basically freshman credits. Its pretty sad because its only her that is suffering from her behavior and lack of responsible.
I wish you luck with everything and please message me anytime of you need someone to chat with.
(((hugs)))
Shelby

It's safe to say if she is 38 (my age) she is never going to show you any type of respect. I think that is sad. For her to teach those actions to her children is heartbreaking to say the least. To learn such hate at a young age from their parents is sad.

Sorry you're going through this.

Thanks for your encouragement. The disrespect and lies continue and have gone to a new low level. I have told my husband today that I will be polite to her but my days of giving in to her ridiculous demands are over. Hugs to all of you.

The worst part of it all is that your husband is not backing you up on this matter. He should be protecting you and should have been all along...
I am so sorry you have to go through such difficult time...
Hugs