Step Families Support Group

Traditionally, a stepfamily is the family one acquires when a parent enters a new marriage, whether the parent was widowed or divorced. This community is focused on many of the relationships and issues that may arise within stepfamilies where you may find answers from some members and you may help other members with their questions.

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how to cope... having a baby with a divorced dad

sunsets1386
sunsets1386
So before i got pregnant, everything was easy and simple. I was dating this great guy after being in a 6 year long abusive relationship, he has two little girls to whom he wasa great dad too, ex wife and him had a long rough divorce, but who's to judge, and then 6 months later I'm pregnant. I'm 28, he's 35, and although I've always wanted kids and a family, I hate to say it but this isn't the life i saw for myself. There is constant drama with the ex wife, who is remarried and just had another baby herself, and his girls are always coming over here sick, and getting me sick. I know I'm pregnant and hormonal but I went from really enjoying their time here to dreading it. They've already gotten me sick once while pregnant, I honestly worry for my baby's health. My fiance gets so defensive of them and it all just makes me sick. I wish i was going through this with someone else for the first time. I feel likea horrible person because yes I knew he had children and an ex wife, but i didn't mean for any of this to hsppen. I've had a rough life already I fear I just made my future a whole lot harder. Any advice or support would be appreciated, thank you :)
jlh2375
jlh2375
I am not going to lie. The ex wife and kids you have no say over are a pretty difficult thing to navigate.

Although, as long as there is love there and he is supportive of you, it has rewards. I think with the kids, they are constantly changing. One moment they will be great, the next you just want them gone. How old are his kids?

At any rate, I am sure it beats your abusive relationship. Nobody deserves to be in a situation like that. Are there plans for marriage?
sunsets1386
sunsets1386
Yes, after I found out I was pregnant, I was confused and he insisted he would be there got me, proposed, told me everything would be fine. He has done a lot to try and be there for me, I don't know if it'sa combination of going of my adhd meds, pregnancy hormones, stress, his ex constantly causing issues, but i feel like I'm some evil step mother that was my whole concern to begin with. I know he gets stressed out so I try and just be thankful i just have felt so lost lately. I have ten more weeks to go and am relieved to be nearing the end of this pregnancy, but also so nervous to have my first baby and also be bringing her into what seems like an unhealthy situation. His girls are 2 and 4. I actually have worked asa nanny and in child care for a decade, but it's a strange dynamic and role I never really saw myself in. Before I got pregnant, it was easier.
shelbyalright
shelbyalright
My guess some of your struggle now that you are pregnant is your own child's needs, as it should be.
One good thing is that the kids are young still. And if you can stick it out you have a good change of making a huge positive in their lives. If the ex causes drama for your family, my guess is her drama is something she thrives on and as the children get older they will gravitate towards you and your positive ways.
There is the possibility that the pregnancy is a huge part of the emotions your having. And from my experience most fathers are going to be defensive when it comes to their kids.
As far as the health issue.....well that can be so frustrating. I am sorry that the ex has no compassion for your household and doesn't take good care of the kids health.
If you don't mind me asking. What is the parenting plan between the mother and father? Do you have regular visitations? Is he custodial or is she?
sunsets1386
sunsets1386
We get them every other week in the summer, but during the "school year" it is every other weekend, Thursday through Sunday, and every Thursday he gets them for dinner. They never get sick with us, and were in an actual school setting in the summer, the mom pays a nanny who brings her kids over, that she can't afford to stay with them on her days, even though she isn't working, but that's another story. It is beyond frustrating because she will go on Facebook and talk about my unborn child, when she doesn't even know me. I want to say plenty but just keep my mouth shut. It is so hurtful and immature, she is 5 years older than me also. I worry she will turn the girls against me and their father because of the drama she causes, I could go on and on but it's all just ridiculous. I do worry for my baby, but I know worrying usually doesn't help anything. Thank you for the support.
jlh2375
jlh2375
I do have advice about the ex bad talking you. It's going to happen. There is nothing you can do about it. I wouldn't say anything negative about her to anyone but your husband and people VERY close to you. NEVER in front of the girls. We have a strict policy to not talk about her while they are in ear shot. AT ALL! Just ignore what she says because in reality she doesn't know you. You just represent everything she couldn't be with that part of her life.

Try and keep your head up, I am certain with time everything will look up.
sunsets1386
sunsets1386
Do you suggest I meet her? I mean, I don't really want to, and decided while I'm pregnant I'm not going to unless necessary for some reason, but it's a lot easier to talk badly about someone you don't know, or make them out to be something else in your head. Idk I just hope for the girls sake she can stop the drama and just move on
jlh2375
jlh2375
I invited my husband's ex out for drinks and apps. It seemed to make things worse actually. She acted nice and even suggested we become facebook friends. Then about 1 or 2 months later she deleted me, wrote a horrible blog about me and bad mouthed me on facebook (someone actually told me who is friends with her) and wasn't even civil to me at all. I don't think they care one way or the other.

It would be the nice and polite thing, since, you are in her children's lives. I don't regret doing it because I know I did try. That has to be something you really want to do. Ask your fiance for help with that one.