Step Families Support Group
Traditionally, a stepfamily is the family one acquires when a parent enters a new marriage, whether the parent was widowed or divorced. This community is focused on many of the relationships and issues that may arise within stepfamilies where you may find answers from some members and you may help other members with their questions.
Hi all, so my dad is getting remaried in june and I still have a lot of things I have not come to terms with. I don't know if im just being a brat at this point or if they are real legitate concerns im alllowed to have. Soo some background my dad and mother divorced when I was in fourth grade and i was totally okay with it because they were terrible together and it was a big relief for me when they split up. They moved back in together the end of my fifth grade year and just lived together to save money. They finally cut ties my sophmore year in highschool and my dad started to date this new woman. Fast forward a few more years and I am now in my first year of college and im home for christmas break. My dad's gf's family have this big christmas party every year and this year my dad decided to propose to her ( I had no clue he was going to do it, he never talked to me about actually asking her, but he did somewhat ask her two sons ages 15 and 13 at the time). So I not only had no clue he was going to ask her but I had to deal with everyone coming up to me asking did I know am I excited all sorts of questions I was not prepared for. That is one of my issues, another is he complains to me about money all of the time and how my college (which he splits paying for with my mother) is so expensive and this and that, well I have some pent up feelings because he is having this big fancy wedding going all out like it was both their first weddings, it is not he is 53 and she is about 45 I belive. I personally do not belive he should be complaining to me about money when he is spending so much on this wedding. Yet another issue I have is that my father has let some things spill such as how she thinks im spoiled. I have talked to multiple people about that comment and they all say that I am in fact not spoiled yes I may have many things paid for but I do not take it for granted I stress about money and how much my parents spend on me. I have also realized that slowly as this woman and her children came into my father and I's life he spent less and less time with me. I only get to have one on one time with him once the fiance and children go to bed and then we can watch a movie but at that point it is 1 am and I am tired or would rather do something else because it is unfair that the only way we can hang out is when they are asleep or they are busy; I feel like I am no longer a priority in my fathers life and that his love for me is very small compared to how it was before. Now this other reason I am upset I know cannot be changed but it hurts me, growing up my father did not spend a single holiday with me because he did not want to be around my mother so instead he would work overtime. Now with this new family he doesnt work holidays, he takes vacations with them, will go to the lake and the beach (which he hates the beach). He was even in the state I go to school at and didnt bother to tell me I happened to find out when I was on the phone with him and I wanted to see him so badly that I drove 2 hours just to see him and he didnt even know if hed have time to see me because he was with his fiance and they had "plans". Why couldnt he have called me earlier when he knew he was goign to be in my state so I could have had advanced notice and gone to where he was sooner? He has not once visited me while at my school but has been in the same state many times with the new family. Lastly for now I am hurt because I will be turning 21 this summer in July and we had always planned to go to New Orleans because it is the one place ive always wanted to go but he then decided oh I cant afford that now because of the wedding so we arent going to do anything for your 21st birthday. I was so hurt because he had promised me this trip for so many years and just bailed because he wants to pay for this extravegant wedding that is not needed. There is a lot more but that is all I figured I would write about today. I relaly hope someone has advice for me on what to do because with this wedding coming up I don't know if I even want to participate ( I am a bridesmaid) and I have to write a toast as well as find a father daughter song but I do not feel happy about any of this and do not want to come off as a terrible daughter but I just wish he would understand where I am coming from.
Sincerly, Sas
I was a stepdaughter, I’m a stepmom and my children have a stepmom. I stayed in a unhappy marriage for many years because I did not want another woman being involved in my children’s lives. I was miserable and someone told me, if your kids were blessed to have one more person in their lives who loved them. Then imagine how blessed they would be!
Powerful, right?!?
When I remarried I gained 5 step kids who had 3 different biological mothers, whew! What I learned is the relationship with my stepdaughters would only be as good as what the biological mother would encourage it to be. If the biological mother has ill feelings towards the father of their children they may not consciously but subconsciously create dysfunction in the exes newfound happiness / life. What I’m trying to say is as daughters we look up to our mothers for advise. Pay attention to the advice you are given. Are you encouraged to look at things with a different perspective from different points of view. Or...are you made to feel as the victim?
My husband has made some poor choices when it has come to past relationships (which we all have). His escape is his work and he would work overtime ALL the time, especially during the holidays as a way to avoid conflict. If he wasn’t around he couldn’t be blamed for anything that could possibly go wrong. Did it hurt his kids, absolutely!!! I mention this because you mentioned how unhappy your parents were. So, I feel it wasn’t that he didn’t want to be around you. But, probably felt everyone would be happier if he was gone. So to avoid any conflict he did what he knew he was good at and worked.
Money...it doesn’t matter how much money my husband has, he always comes from a place of lack. Understanding our relationship with money is a very important life skill to learn. People either come from a place of, the glass is half full or half empty. Your mom and dad as you said we’re unhappily married, divorced and lived together to save money. So can you imagine how difficult that was for either one of them to be able to ever move forward in their lives? Even though they weren’t married I’m sure they still had an input as to how each other should be doing things. So, should your dad be talking to you about his finances, probably not! But, I think it was his way of trying to figure out how much longer he was going to have to keep paying for his half of your college education. Are you spoiled, that is a matter of opinion. Are you fortunate, ABSOLUTELY! My dad joined the military so that he could get a college education. He was adamant that he would NOT pay for any of kids to go to college. If we wanted it bad enough, we would do what we had to do and appreciate it that much more for doing so. We have not paid for our kids college educations either. I’m not saying you don’t appreciate what your parents have done. But, you have been given an opportunity that many others haven’t been given.
Your dad didn’t mention or include you in the fact that he was proposing to his girlfriend to hurt you in any way. He didn’t mention it to you because he was in a state of bliss. He just didn’t want to have any negative input that would take away from this new happiness he was feeling. But, in the process it made you feel excluded / pushed aside and I feel that wasn’t his intention at all.
Now onto your dad “hating the beach.” My husbands oldest daughter struggles with my husband being different and having a different set of rules being married to me. I remember him saying to me one time. When are people going to quit judging me for the man I was before and start seeing me for the man I’am today? My husband is a completely different man today versus the man I married and so am I. Isn’t it wonderful that your dad found someone who could inspire him to see the beauty in the beach? He was able to look at the beach differently through love vs hate. That is true growth and when we quit growing we start dying. He found someone who has inspired him to live!
Quality time together, this is so different for men and women. We as women want / need the one on one time together. For men it is killing two birds with one stone. Let me explain...All of you are together. Your dad is thinking, isn’t this wonderful! I have my wife, her sons and my daughter and we’re all spending quality time together. Then you have the stepmom who is going to bed along with her sons. She is wanting to give you and your dad time together. But, she also knows how happy it has made her husband having you all together as a family unit. Then there is you, upset because you didn’t get the one on one time that you felt you deserved /wanted. Do you see how everyone’s perception of the event is different?
As far as your dad vacationing and not seeing you. You are taking it personally when he isn't going to see you and I get it. Your mom and dad did the best they could in raising you. If I was given the opportunity to change some things I did, I would in a heartbeat! What I try to explain to my kids is this...We can either continue the dysfunctional cycle or with every new generation learn and create a more positive outcome for future generations. You feel like you’re losing your dad and in reality, you may be the one pushing him away. He just wants to be happy and when he sees you, if he’s filled with guilt, he’s going to avoid the situation and do what’s easy. And easy for him is avoidance (remember working all the overtime). It’s not that he doesn’t want to see you, he doesn’t want to feel the feelings that makes him go into that need to escape like he has in the past. It’s not easy, but, if you change how you react, you will change the outcome. Let go of the need for things to be and see what happens!