WOW what a situation!!
well first off BM was in the wrong completely by bring your step daughter into all of this you and the BM need to sit down and talk clearing your views on parenting are completely different then hers.. she needs to get over her self whats done is done it happened so whatever =) you and your SD need to talk too and considering her age it might be a little heard sence she has already been tainted by her Bio mom but she is only 12 still a child and right now she is listening to her mother like all children do. she will come around

BM was totally out of line. I cannot imagine sharing such information with any child!

You are a better person than I am for not throwing your husband out of the house. My thoughts are with you as you get through this situation.

It was a good opportunity to make the girls father look bad wasn't it? No further understanding is necessary - that's it. No matter the damage done to the child and the father daughter relationship it was worth it.

Heav'n has no rage like love to hatred turn'd
Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd.

1697 by William Congreve - English
In The Mourning Bride
Often misquoted as Shakespears'

Talking to the bio-mother isn't going to help anything and will probably just lead to some yelling and further accusations. The cat is out of the bag and the bio-mother felt it was perfectly justified and must defend her decision.

This is hardly the first time this has happened in the world. I would suggest Dad Google "father duaghter relationships divorce" and other such subjects.

He should definitely get professional advise for both of them from one counsellor. The counsellor can treat them seperately and together. I really urge this is as I was amazed as to the insight and help they're able to give.

why is god's name did he tell the bm in the first place ?? or how did she find out ??

I know this has nothing to do with the subject of your post but just because you are a size 4 does not mean that this woman is jealous of you! How arrogant you must be to think that way!! So you just assume any woman who is bigger than a size 4 is jealous of you?!? Anywho...

Rebelliousraven has a good point also, has does the BM know about all of this. It wasn't her place to tell the child. I do agree with that. But like OrangeCounty said, anything to get a leg up on her ex.

Quoted by lant " I know this has nothing to do with the subject of your post but just because you are a size 4 does not mean that this woman is jealous of you! How arrogant you must be to think that way!! So you just assume any woman who is bigger than a size 4 is jealous of you?!? "

Your right that has nothing to do with my post other then trying to give you guy a little background as to the the BM. That statement is true and I stand by it. Also no I don't believe that very women with extra is jealous of me, My grandmother god rest her sould was one of the most beautiful people in the world and she was 500 lbs. My mother is over wieght, I can go on about that. Sorry if you took that wrong.

The BM knows because the OW contacted her and told her hoping she could help her keep him. Long story there, but now the BM and OW are friends, nice right. My H refuses to talk to the BM about the A, and of course that is because in her words "I won't let him talk to her" No true. I just want to know how to fix what is now broken between my SD and myself? SD and I use to be really close until the BM deciede she did not like me. I know it maybe out of my hands, but I will continue to love her no matter what and I hope one day she will have the courge to stand up for herself.

Maybe she blurted. Sometimes people don't have the filters or the self-control to prevent themselves from saying what is in the front of their minds.

I agree with Orange County. I also have to say that your husband was the one that had the affair and getting wrapped up in any BM drama isn't good for you. Any distraction, doesn't change the fact that he did something that must have hurt you. I can only imagine your pain, but I hope you don't feel sorry for him and the drama he has created for himself. I'd hate for him to do it again, bc you've forgave him easily and took his side defending him against the BM. You don't need to clean up his mess. The step daughter has a right to be pissed off. I'm sure she is hurt and confused by the situation. She is at an age where her hormones, body, and friends are going through changes. She needs, wants, and deserves special attention right now. Unfortunately it sounds like her parents are being self centered. Her dad's affair hurt her too. She doesn't know if your going to be around, bc of his behavior and i'm sure she doesn't want another outsider in her life having his baby. It's going to be hard for her. She needs strong role models to look up to and that is probably not going to be you. She is going to have an some opinoins about how you handle this situation. I really don't mean to sound harsh. I'm glad that you are wanting to work on your relationship with her. I just think you need to realize that could be up against a wall. I'd encourage her to have healthy friends and role models. Support her in maintaining a healthy self preservation in a stressful time. I wish you the best.

OMG, you have a mess going on! You should really focus more on your marriage- and since it sounds like you plan on staying married- that is the number 1 priority here! I agree that worrying about your SD is more of a distraction for you and unnecessary stress. There won't be a need to worry about SD once you and your DH get your relationship back on track. You can't control anyone but yourself...

No..the 12 yr old probably didn;t need to know about the situation at this point. If it is his baby..she would have found out eventually.

The BM took her chance to make Dad look bad. He gave it to her. Whatever hard time she has a result..they are both to blame.