She may have been raised differently and I am sure that the situation is hard for her but my initial response is that this is not the right way for her to deal with it. Not fair for a 13 yr old kid to deal with it either. I always think that the 2 adults need to, away form the kids, decide how things are going to be and then the kids need to know...have a fair shot at meeting expectations. If the Biological parent does not agree with step-parent....biological parent wins. Give your wife a chance to get this worked out but stick up for your daughter...especially if she is a good kid and not doing anything wrong. 13 yr olds can be aggravating....there is no cure for that :)

good luck....

Yes. Wife was raised totally differently. She is very close to her father, which is fine. I like him also. I do feel based on things she has told me that she was never really allowed to be a kid. She was taught that she is better and smarter then other people. Some parents do that thinking they are building responsibility but in my opinion it is wrong and potentially harmful NOT to provide a child with the security young kids need. Because when they grow up they tend to seek out that security they never got as a child. And eventually they learn that they are not smarter and better as they were taught and that leads to BIG issues.

What are the ground rules for your therapy?

You go every 3 weeks? But don't discuss issues between appointments?

I don't have step kids, but I have kids (I'm on this board because my ex was with a woman with kids). My kids have tons of responsiblility, but it's still often MORE work for me to get them to do their part.....than it would be to let the kids "be spoiled". And that's the thing about Parenting...it's work. Work to get them to go to bed at age 2, work to get them doing their homework automatically, and work to get the kids to help out.

I agree with your wife....it should be you doing this work.

Decide what YOU (not your wife, but YOU) think that your daughter should help with, then see that she does.

(If you want a comparison, my kids are 10 and 12 and do about 2 loads of laundry a week (even putting away each other's underwear), clean bathrooms, do dishes, and take out garbage.....every week. Far more than most kids their ages.....but it's built self esteme and my kids show it.

Basically, I can't do it ALL. And that should be your message to your daughter....that you personally...can't do it all and that you need help. If the step mom's name comes up....emphasise that she helps as best she can, but is getting worn out, but keep the focus on you and your needs, and that you need help from your daughter, that you're a Family, and that Families help each other.

Chores aren't punishment, they're an expected part of life.

As the NCP, it is very difficult to add more responsibilities during visitation. Have you and your ex discussed the situation? How many responsibilities does your daughter have during the week? Your wife can have input on what chores your daughter does during visitation, but the ultimate decisions should come from you and your ex.....that's part of the disengaging process, stepping back and letting the bios take care of the issues, then offering support. As for the venting your wife did--that's what it sounds like to me, a frustrated vent--maybe suggest that your wife find a close friend for venting, rather than bringing it up in marriage counseling. Personally, I try not to vent to my fiance or in front of him, as not every bit of frustration I feel needs to be discussed by the two of us. Sometimes, it's just frustration. I vent, get support from a friend along with a nice dose of perspective, and then go back into the work of parenting and step-parenting. I have one particular friend for venting, we take turns and it helps our lives immensely.

Wow gooh, If I said anything about me deciding with my x what chores should be done while daughter was hear my wife would lose it!! She already mentioned to the counselor she thought x wife made our decisions. (but couldnt give an example).

Maybe a point I am not being clear on is that wife and I have discussed chores and responsibilities and this has been implemented. Kid does lots of chores. Not like your kids Patti but like you said you understand your kids do more then most kids. Thats a big point here also, you shouldnt compare families. Just because one family is one way doesnt make that way the only way.

Patti, my wife is right about what?

This is a tough situation. I am on the other end of it. I will say that I don't think your wife should have spoken about your "little princess" the way she did. She definitely could have used more tactfulness. However, it is not easy being a step parent. Your wife has to take on the responsibility of your child, but doesn't have any rights to say what she needs to do around the house? It should not be up to you and your ex, but you and your wife. It is your wife's house as well, and what isn't getting done by you and your daughter is left up to your wife. It should really be something decided between the both of you. From how your wife talked at your last counseling session, it really sounds like she is letting go of any relationship her and your daughter had. I know because I have done the same thing. I have two kids of my own and I love them unconditionally, but it is harder for some people to feel that for children who are not their own. It sounds mean, but people cannot always help how they feel. We can, however, control how we approach the situation. You should really try to talk to your wife about this sooner than 3 weeks from now.

I guess the "little princess" comment bothers me a lot. If she wants to try and create some sort of dialogue between us that was probably not the best way to start. It just upset me and I am just now getting over my "cooling off" period.

I agree Degirl that step parenting is hard. The whole dynamics of step is hard. For everyone. Not just the step parent. I also TOTALLY agree that my wife and I should be making the decisions about what goes on in our household. NOT me and my ex. But my wife is refusing to do that. She doesnt offer any opinion or advice and then jumps me when its not what she thinks should have been done. THAT is what I am asking the group. If that seems right.

Degirl, My wife is NOT picking up after my kid or anything of the sort.

I will discuss this with my wife. We dont have to wait for our next session. Just needed a cool down period.

If kid is already doing chores, than it could be that your wife's comments are coming from a different place.

What's your relationship like with your daughter (close? not close?)

What was your wife's childhood like? Did anyone in her own life ever say that about her?

And does she have children that are not yours?

****And I never once asked my ex what chores he thought our kids should be doing, nor if they have any chores over at his place. Only rule I have with my kids, is that I expect them to follow House Rules for Whatever House they're at. With me. With their dad. At school. At friends' houses. No discussion about if the rules are appropriate. Each place sets (or doesn't set) their own rules.****

So if they eat dinner at Mike's house, and everyone clears the table....they'd better clear the table. And if only one person does the job...then they take a turn if asked.

Patti, wife has no children.

I dont see my kid a lot, Mondays and every other weekend. I try not to be a Disney dad. Im sure I was at first but that was something my wife helped me see how I was acting. That is when we implemented more responsibilities. I am supportive and affectionate to my kid. That is something my wife has brought up, how its creepy to her when I tell my kid I love her. Or tell her she looks pretty. I dont think my wifes father says that to her, although they are very close. Im not a perfect father I'm sure. But damn. I try. I'm a good husband too. I love my wife, she loves me. I am attentive and indulgent, so maybe she wants that all for herself?

Not sure about her childhood other then knowing she was raised to believe she is better then others. This she told me. She also seems jealous of her younger sister.

I am 50, she is 45 just FYI

OK, this is just my gut, but I suspect that your daughter is fine. You'd have to tell me more about her, but I'd guess that she's just a typical kid.

***And there's FAR worse than being a DisneyLand parent (also known as a grandparent in my book). You are really the one that loses out if you do that. Being a grandparent is fine enough, but you lose on the bonding that would happen if you're the Parent.***

I wouldn't call your wife jealous, exactly. Sounds more like she is having a hard time with your relationship with your daughter. Fair enough. That either is or isn't. And disengaging is fine enough for her....better for your kid than getting conflicting messages about "I want to be your friend...I'm your parent....vs I don't like what you are to my husband".

I wouldn't overreact to the comment or your wife's frustrations too much. Every well adjusted kid acts a bit like a "princess" from time to time.....believe me I know that. And as long as your wife isn't being overtly nasty to your daughter, all should be good.

Spend the visitations with your daughter WITH your daughter, and let your wife join in as she feels comfortable.

Having kids (or step kids) tends to bring out all of the unresolved feelings from our childhoods. And while being a "princess" is all well and good....it's more like being parented by a grandparent than by a parent. But your wife ISN'T the parent....and it really IS alright for them to have that type of relationship. But it may not feel like that to your wife.

As for your daughter, I'd talk with her about how EVERYONE has conflicted feelings. Sometimes she loves you, but there are days when she probably hates you too. And sometimes she probably loves your wife, and sometimes feels otherwise. All part of being human. The bottom line is that there are limits on how we ACT out our feelings.

So if for example your daughter feels like she's visiting rather than at home in your house. You can talk to her about ways that she might make it feel more like HER home. (Leave personal belongings there, leave pictures there, pick out a picture for the walls, special foods that she only eats there, special music that she listens to there, perfume if she's into that).....the point isn't to do ALL of those things....but to find a few of them.

Over time, with luck, your wife and daughter will find a few special things that they can share..you can't pick them, neither can either of them on their own......but with luck they'll stumble onto a few things....and if you see those...then your job is to bow out and let their relationship grow. And at that point, your daughter will probably not seem so much like a "princess" to your wife.

Just my 2 cents........

The thing is, if your wife wants to disengage, then part of that process includes her stepping back and allowing you and your ex, as the biological parents, to make the decisions.

I have input with my ex and his new wife on the chores our boys do while visiting, in the sense that I let them know the kinds of things the boys are responsible for when they're with me, so they know what type of routine the boys have had, and what they are capable of. Input on chores done doesn't mean that I tell them how to run their own household, but if they assign the boys chores that are too advanced for them or dangerous, then yes, I would expect to have input on that as well. My fiance's ex has input on chores done to the extent that she knows what is expected of her boys when they're visiting us. If she objects to what is asked, she should be allowed to tell us so and allow some discussion. So far, her only input has been "How do you get them to do chores".

I dont have much to offer except tthat it can be very painful to be rejected by the person you love's child. Its disheartening. You are now charged with the care of a small person that is hostile or has rejected you. Even with the logical understanding of WHY it doesnt make it any less painful or un-empowering.

If you have a "relaxed" attitude and she has a more "hands on" attitude I would try to be more "hands on" to give her comfort. Try to foster an atmosphere where your daughter and wife can become friends.

I know that the wifes attitude toward your daughter can be painful and guilt inducing. Try to remember her feelings too. I would bring up in counseling that there seems to be an "us" against "them" mentality going on and it is not helpful.

Good Luck OP.

I will speak for myself. I have been with my boyfriend for three years. We are planning to marry someday. We just moved in together last month. He takes care of his daughter faithfully. His daughter is very respectable and don't give me any problems. As far as the chores she has none. She don't even keep her room clean. She hasn't cleaned the bathroom since we moved here. The bathroom is nasty. Her dad has to say something earlier today about cleaning the bathroom. Apparently she did it. My thing is if they are not taught when they are young to do these chores, they sure not going to pick up now. She is now 18 going on 19 and drives me up the walls. Glad her main bathroom is upstairs because I don't think I could take it. Our bedroom is downstairs where we have our own bathroom. If it wasn't for that I could not keep my sanity. Chores, there is none. He use to bad about picking up after her until I started saying something gradually in the right tone. There is no relationship with her mom and her. She lives totally with us. Her friends comes to our house. She drives my car. I just go with the flow and when the time comes where I need to say something I can't hold my tongue because it eats me up inside. Please understand from our side of the fence. If you communicate together and come to some kind of medium that would satisfy the both of you then things can work out smoother.