Step Families Support Group
Traditionally, a stepfamily is the family one acquires when a parent enters a new marriage, whether the parent was widowed or divorced. This community is focused on many of the relationships and issues that may arise within stepfamilies where you may find answers from some members and you may help other members with their questions.
I understand that when parents have a child, there has to be a form of communication between them in order to successfully raise a child.
What I don't understand, is why my boyfriend's ex-wife feels the need to text message him EVERYDAY about things that aren't urgent. (i.e. she went back and forth with him in text messages tonight about 8x because she received his insurance bill at her house today). He will see her the day after tomorrow, does it REALLY require that many text messages when we're trying to spend time together in the evenings?
She lives in their old house now (with her boyfriend), does she REALLY have to send him a text message at 9pm on a Saturday night asking "What's up with the caulk in the bathroom?"
Like I said, I can understand if their 3 year old son is having an issue, if there's an emergency, etc. But, I would think putting all of her petty concerns/questions into an email or something would be sufficient.
Am I overreacting, or is it just too much for me to ask him to ask that she not "but into our lives" at certain times of the day...it's very frustrating at times. Of course I pointed out to him I know the difference between a text from her and a work email, so I'm sure he will change the alert on his phone so I don't know the difference. I can also tell the difference when he completely ignores the fact that I tell him I wish she would just give it a rest, he walks away, he doesn't say a word and when I say something about it again, he mocks me. It makes me feel about 2ft tall.
What I don't understand, is why my boyfriend's ex-wife feels the need to text message him EVERYDAY about things that aren't urgent. (i.e. she went back and forth with him in text messages tonight about 8x because she received his insurance bill at her house today). He will see her the day after tomorrow, does it REALLY require that many text messages when we're trying to spend time together in the evenings?
She lives in their old house now (with her boyfriend), does she REALLY have to send him a text message at 9pm on a Saturday night asking "What's up with the caulk in the bathroom?"
Like I said, I can understand if their 3 year old son is having an issue, if there's an emergency, etc. But, I would think putting all of her petty concerns/questions into an email or something would be sufficient.
Am I overreacting, or is it just too much for me to ask him to ask that she not "but into our lives" at certain times of the day...it's very frustrating at times. Of course I pointed out to him I know the difference between a text from her and a work email, so I'm sure he will change the alert on his phone so I don't know the difference. I can also tell the difference when he completely ignores the fact that I tell him I wish she would just give it a rest, he walks away, he doesn't say a word and when I say something about it again, he mocks me. It makes me feel about 2ft tall.
I know when she calls on the phone, something is up by the way my H replies-if she's gotten into some kind of trouble; he turns his back, walks as far away from me as the cord will allow and he keeps his answers to Yes, No, Uh-huh and I'll call you later. Then, the texting starts. His phone goes off so much that I'm surprised it doesn't burst into flames.
It ticks me off that they ignore the fact that I am here and that alot of the things she does has an affect on our family. She and my H have their own personal little world but when the things she does could potentially affect me or my children, I think my H should be including me instead of finding out thru the local gossip channels.
When I know it's her on the other line, I just want to vomit-my stomach churns and I can feel my anxiety level rise.
The point is - Your H, like mine, is allowing this to happen. They don't say no because they don't want to say no. They won't set limits and they treat us like we're jealous, insignificant people. You can keep trying to talk to him but if he's mocking you, then he's not respecting how you feel and will probably continue to do so. I just had to learn to live with it. After 13 years of it, it really hasn't gotten much better-I hope you have better luck.
My husband's ex would do that for a while and make 'important' phone calls that always ended up discussing their relationship and where it went wrong.
I finally asked him if he would rather be with her. Very shocked he said, "Of course not, why do you ask that?:
I said that I understood her needing/wanting contact with/for the kids but there was no reason that her boyfriend/husband couldn't help her with household or other concerns. I explained that I didn't appreciate her cutting into the very little time we got to spend together and I would appreciate if he explained to her that they were no longer a couple and didn't need to communicate other than concern/interest about the children.
It took a few times of explaining how I felt, why I felt that way and giving an example flipping our roles; when he finally understood, he stopped all unneeded call or text.
Now the children are old enough to have their own phones and there is no communication between he and his ex. Oddly enough, she calls me for information and the conversations are usually shorted and specific to the children.
I say explain what you are feeling and reverse the roles and ask how he would feel; write it out for yourself first so you have a good understanding of what you are feeling and why.
I divorced my wife, but we separated on "friendly" terms. Sometimes, when she sends me text messages just to vent about her work, or her car accident, I do it too. We've been married for 10 years, it is hard to break habits. Just be patient with your spouses, they are not cheating on you, they are just being humans.
Simply ask them, talk about their conversation with their ex, don't make a scene - after all you don't want to scare your spouses away, you want them to be honest with you. Listen to them, be supportive and non judgmental.
Those text messaging will fade away, eventually.
I have not figured it out yet but for some reason allot of ex husbands do not want to cause any type of conflict with the ex wife! I DO NOT GET IT!
I don't know details of your husbands' previous marriages, but if they cheated with you on their exes, or for whatever reason they feel guilt, you have to suck it up and be patient and smart. Don't get angry and crazy emotional. Let them be open, tell them you don't like their ongoing txting, but tell them you do not care, because you trust your husband and you love him the most. After all, many men are just boys with very expensive toys, even if those "boys" are bold already.
Just give some space, but encourage them to talk. Worst thing if your husband closes up and starts keeping it secret from you.
we have custody of their 3 kids...so any time there is communication that needs to be made between our households regarding the children, drs appt's ect...she and I communicate directly. it works well for us, as we get along well, and i don't have to deal with jealousy issues regarding them talking to each other.
Anyway, my husband trying to tell her to cut down on ringing/texting always resulted in her sulking and cutting our contact with my SD. Eventually we fought long and hard in court.
That was three years ago. Now, my husband and I have a specific mobile (an old one that was very cheap) that is only to receive
texts/phonecalls from her. We both have access to it and if it's not related to my SD we do not respond. Anything non-urgent regarding my SD is sorted out through an email address which was specifically set up to only deal with my husband's ex. We both have access to it and I can read the emails anytime etc..
If the ex ever needs to talk, she talks to me. It's better this way, as we are capable of talking amicably.
I like doing things the way we do them, as I feel secure and included. My husband always strives to make sure my feelings come first (above his ex not his daughter) and is very carefully to tread sensitively around this issue after a very upsetting and shakey frst 3 years of our relationship.
I hope your husband comes to his senses and appreciates what an amazing thing you are doing by taking in and loving his child and have some respect for you x
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I literally feel like I have no place in this relationship