I've gone through the same thing with my SS and his bm. I've been called all sorts of names by the bm and have been subjected to questioning by my SS. I can usually tell when he is asking for his own info, as compared to when he is asking for the bm. When it's info that I know the bm wants, I can easily evade and not give a direct answer. As to why the bm wants the info? In my case, she's insecure, feels threatened by me and is afraid I will steal her kid away.

Yes, we are all trying to do our part to raise these kids. I've tried to explain to the bm that I do not want to usurp her as mom and only want to help my SS to become the best he can be. Unfortunately, the bm is never able to see things that way. She continually says that I don't get to have a say in her son's life, but turns around and lets her H be so involved that you would think he is the dad, instead of my H.

In a perfect world, we should all be able to parent these kids and get along. Most generally that doesn't happen though. I've tried to get all of us on the same page and do as you say; put my SS above our wants and needs. My H and I have found a great balance with how we raise my SS. The bm just digs her heels in and continues to use her son to get what she wants. While that is sad, I have stopped letting it get to me. Only she can fix those insecurities and anger that she harbors in her heart. In the meantime, I am going to live my life and help to raise her son to the very best of my abilities.

You are not alone in how you feel. I wish you the best of luck in dealing with all of this.

I have learne to ignore what is going on and just jot it down everytime my SS says that his stepdad or BM gave him 20 questions about us and what all we did. It is jealousy and making sure that the child is not having more fun with you. In our case stepdad keeps telling SS how I am a horrible person and an awful parent. Yes he has gone as far to attack my parenting with my OWN kids but I ignore it and right it down. I would say take documentation of everything your SD asks you and how the BM comes back to H with the info. She should not be using the child as a spy. That's wrong but there really is no sure way to put a stop to it.

She's trying to undermine your authority and popularity with the kid due to insecurity.

The next time the kid asks a odd-ball question toss it back by asking him "Why do you ask". If its far enough to be out of line "None of anyones business" also works. You can do both of those in a nice way of course. The "evasive answer" suggested above works and so does out right lying.

I'll tell you a secret. Kids aren't stupid. This kid is probably as uncomfortable with his participation in this as you are. He will probably be very glad to go back to his mother with some sort of non-answer answer.

I totally agree with what others have said. Its so sad that some people don't put the child first. Kids are not stupid and I would ask her why she wants to know. Kids (the younger they are) are so honest. Its just so sad. The BM in my situation was the same - the first time she met me she couldn't even look at me because she was hurt. I have written her a letter (she refuses to talk) telling her that she has acted immature and that I am not trying to take her place but she is still acting a complete ass towards me. There is nothing you can really do about their actions you can only control your own. As your SD gets older she will see for herself and probably eventually check her mom.

I am finding that there are momre and more parents who love to play the Do you love me more game..... My b/f ex is that way with her 2 kids and me. And believe you me I do NOT want to be their mother! I've actually told them they should thank their lucky starts I am not because I probably would have wrapped their teeth out of their mouths for some of the things they say.... Sad part is my daughter is nothing like that! I guess that's because her Dad and I decided when she was about 7 that whatever happened or went wrong was between us not her. As far as she knows her Dad is a prince and her Dad tried hard (not always) to keep the same idea in mind with me. We try our best to follow the same rules, carry out the same punishments, etc.. It has actually worked out really well for the past 3 years. We both try our best to keep our thoughts to ourselves and try really hard not to share those thoughts with her. When she is home she calls her Dad every night, sometimes I think just to listen to him breathe! LOL! When she goes on the weekend she calls me every night. And we live about 1 hour from each other. We try to make accomodations for her for her birthday (like playing hookey from school that day to go to Dad's) and for Holidays. We don't stick to scheduled weekends, what with school, Church, Sports... so it's pretty much if he says okay she may go every weekend.

Like tell him all the time she's 10 now and think's were cool and smart. Give her about 2 more years and we'll be dorks and stupid! Gotta live it up while she'll still acknowledge us!!

Hang in there you guys! In the long run (I speak from expereince) the woman who was always there when our hearts gotten broken, or we skninned a knee or whatever, that's the one who gets the title of MOM in our hearts. Anybody can be a mother!! You have to be special to be a MOM!!