Step Families Support Group
Traditionally, a stepfamily is the family one acquires when a parent enters a new marriage, whether the parent was widowed or divorced. This community is focused on many of the relationships and issues that may arise within stepfamilies where you may find answers from some members and you may help other members with their questions.
My husband and his ex wife have an 11 year old son. We have been married for 3 1/2 years and this relationship is under more stress now than when it began. The ex wife calls all of the shots, drops their son in our laps at a moments notice and I’m not allowed to make rules in my own home. I’ve been told I have no idea because I “don’t have my own children “. This comment is extremely hurtful because I can’t have children, a fact he knows. There is no communication and I never know what’s going on. I’m really hurt and angry.
Any pointers or suggestions?
When we first started dating, the stepchild was thrilled. But as soon as I moved in, the $#@! got real for her. She realized that I was there to stay. Then to make matters worse, she found out I had children of my own that took away the attention from her dad.
Add all that into a bag of jealousy, manipulation , exes hating each other and it was a perfect storm created by at 13 yr old. It even got to the point where my fiance said don't make me chose because you will lose.
Never asked that of him and never would make him choose.
The best advice his friend gave him was,....
DON'T let your children and ex dictate your relationship. Because when they are 18 and off to college or have moved out, who will be there with you?
As for the ex, there are rules that can be set and agreed upon by both sets of parents outside of the individual homes. But it has to be agreed with by BOTH. In each individual home, the parent has the right to set their own boundaries.
Problems are created when sometimes out of spite, the boundaries are the opposite.
Parents have the right to raise their children as they see fit. But not all parents know how to raise a child. SO the whole 'you don't know because you don't have kids' is BS.
You're husband needs to support you as a united front. That's what a relationship is. Otherwise he should be a single parent raising his child and not be with you. YOU are as much part of his household as his child is.
If he doesn't support you, there will be no respect from the child or ex.
The ex-wife has the Golden Uterus Syndrome, she essentially an Entitlement Queen and your husband is her serf! It's a common practice. Maybe he has Guity Daddy Syndrome and/or he had no balls, to speak of, to begin with. Women with this disease purposely target man of this caliber as sperm donor and ATMs.
What did your husband marry you for? It's not to be his life partner - to help him make decisions - because as he put it, ' you don't have kids of your own'. So, he drank the Cool-Aid of the Golden Uterus Syndrome too - women who can drop off-spring are MORE IMPORTANT THAN women who can't. Well, now you know where you stand. Acceptance will make the next step easier:
Your way from here is obvious:
Since you are out of the loop - stay out of the loop. Don't concern yourself with HIS business. Primarily, you are using reverse psychology. When he wants to talk about his other family, don't act interested. Don't volunteer anything towards a conversation about his ex and kid. If he says why the indifference - tell him that he can't have it both ways and since he feels you aren't qualified to voice your opinion because you don't have kids, then you have nothing to say, Turn it all on him when you get a chance. But say all of this with the sweetest smile on your face.
Second, start developing your own life without him. You need a support system of positive people that will be there for you. Why? Because - you have three people against you if you want to join the family. Having your own life will keep you sane. Having your own life will keep your mind off HIS BUSINESS and on yours.
Third, go to counseling, even if you feel you don't need it. You need a third party that you have regular access to that will also keep you sane.
Fourth, find a stepmother support group. You need women in your life that are in the same boat as you.
From one sister to another - good luck and I wish you well.