Step Families Support Group
Traditionally, a stepfamily is the family one acquires when a parent enters a new marriage, whether the parent was widowed or divorced. This community is focused on many of the relationships and issues that may arise within stepfamilies where you may find answers from some members and you may help other members with their questions.
Hi, I'm new to this group. I am married to a wonderful man who has two beautiful kids (girl and boy, aged 17 and 12) and a very rocky relationship with his ex. To say it has been difficult is to understate things completely.
You see, I met my husband when he was still married to her, although their marriage was pretty much over and he had asked for a divorce before he met me. Even his father has said that he could see the marriage was over long before I came into the picture. For the record, during the time when he was getting a divorce, I tried to stay neutral and uninvolved and more of a "friend," even though by that time I was completely in love with him. However, the ex doesn't see it that way and never has. She blamed me completely for the break up and attacked me viciously in writing and over the phone.
Over the years, she has also done everything she could to poison everyone in my husband's life against him, including his own family and best friends. This eventually backfired as everyone eventually saw her true colors. It was clear that she didn't really care about my husband as much as losing the life she had where she did not need to work and could just sit around the house being taken care of.
But the worst thing she has done in my mind, is she has also tried to poison the kids against him. According to everyone in the family and even friends, she constantly badmouthed their father to them when he wasn't around to defend himself. Not surprisingly, this has made it very difficult for him to have a relationship with his kids and especially for me to have a relationship with his kids.
Reading some of the other posts in this group, I'm glad to know I'm not the only one who feels like they are an outsider always looking in. But I also deal with a lot of guilt and shame about how everything started. I often torture myself. Sometimes I totally internalize her words and feel like a complete homewrecker or "the other woman" and it kills me to think the kids think that way about me, too. Because of all of this and my own divorce a few years back, I have been in therapy and I'm taking antidepressants and anti-anxiety medication.
It's a huge burden to be the one who can never misbehave or talk trash. I always have to take the high road and never show any pettiness or carry grudges. I feel like no one would forgive me if I did. I think it's paying off, though, as I have a semi-decent relationship with the kids now and they never ask that I be excluded from any activities or outings. I think even they are starting to see their mother's behavior as a bit beyond the pale sometimes. It just burns me out sometimes.
It's also doubly hard to think about the life they once shared and everything I've missed out on so far, including having kids with someone I love. I'm 37 and starting to wonder if it's too late for me now. The ex once told me that I had "destroyed something pure that started when they were both only 15." Did I really do that? Why does it seem so much worse that they were high school sweethearts, when really they were far too young to get married and didn't really know what they were doing?
Anyway, guess I'm starting to ramble, but I just needed to vent a little, hoping someone here might be able to relate to what I'm going through.
I want to be a good and supportive stepparent to the kids. I also would like nothing more than for my husband and his ex to come around to being on better terms. I would even like to be on civil terms with her myself, if that were ever possible. I just think it would be the best thing for everyone. Thanks for reading this long post.
You see, I met my husband when he was still married to her, although their marriage was pretty much over and he had asked for a divorce before he met me. Even his father has said that he could see the marriage was over long before I came into the picture. For the record, during the time when he was getting a divorce, I tried to stay neutral and uninvolved and more of a "friend," even though by that time I was completely in love with him. However, the ex doesn't see it that way and never has. She blamed me completely for the break up and attacked me viciously in writing and over the phone.
Over the years, she has also done everything she could to poison everyone in my husband's life against him, including his own family and best friends. This eventually backfired as everyone eventually saw her true colors. It was clear that she didn't really care about my husband as much as losing the life she had where she did not need to work and could just sit around the house being taken care of.
But the worst thing she has done in my mind, is she has also tried to poison the kids against him. According to everyone in the family and even friends, she constantly badmouthed their father to them when he wasn't around to defend himself. Not surprisingly, this has made it very difficult for him to have a relationship with his kids and especially for me to have a relationship with his kids.
Reading some of the other posts in this group, I'm glad to know I'm not the only one who feels like they are an outsider always looking in. But I also deal with a lot of guilt and shame about how everything started. I often torture myself. Sometimes I totally internalize her words and feel like a complete homewrecker or "the other woman" and it kills me to think the kids think that way about me, too. Because of all of this and my own divorce a few years back, I have been in therapy and I'm taking antidepressants and anti-anxiety medication.
It's a huge burden to be the one who can never misbehave or talk trash. I always have to take the high road and never show any pettiness or carry grudges. I feel like no one would forgive me if I did. I think it's paying off, though, as I have a semi-decent relationship with the kids now and they never ask that I be excluded from any activities or outings. I think even they are starting to see their mother's behavior as a bit beyond the pale sometimes. It just burns me out sometimes.
It's also doubly hard to think about the life they once shared and everything I've missed out on so far, including having kids with someone I love. I'm 37 and starting to wonder if it's too late for me now. The ex once told me that I had "destroyed something pure that started when they were both only 15." Did I really do that? Why does it seem so much worse that they were high school sweethearts, when really they were far too young to get married and didn't really know what they were doing?
Anyway, guess I'm starting to ramble, but I just needed to vent a little, hoping someone here might be able to relate to what I'm going through.
I want to be a good and supportive stepparent to the kids. I also would like nothing more than for my husband and his ex to come around to being on better terms. I would even like to be on civil terms with her myself, if that were ever possible. I just think it would be the best thing for everyone. Thanks for reading this long post.
After he met me, she would still call him and ask if she could come over... It was so disrespectful. And of course his kids have been poisoned for a long time. They've never treated me good, or even acknowledged my presence. I could bore you for hours as the crap I've had to deal with from his kids and his ex.
I will pray for you. This is a hard road, and you have done absolutely nothing wrong. I wish I could say give it time... Unfortunately it seem the "ex's" always get the upper hand. Hugs!
It's amazing to me how because she feels wronged, she can do no wrong. That seems to be so common in these situations. Thanks so much for your prayers!
I COMPLETELY can relate to you. I am 41 years old to start out and have no children so I understand your concern at 37. I met my fiance' Jim right after he moved out of the house in May of 2013. His divorce is pending as I write this. His soon to be ex wife is blaming me for her marriage falling apart. Their marriage was doomed for years. He has four children; 10-girl, 9-boy, 7-girl, and 3-boy. The 3 year old was just diagnosed as being autistic. The wife/ex does not work and I don't see that she will ever work again if she can avoid it. She also is resentful that she is not being taken care of so to speak. She also talks about Jim and I to the children all the time. I understand that you are much further along in the relationship because you are married and it has been ongoing for a while it sounds. You have done nothing wrong. You are beating yourself up over this. I can relate to the medications for depression/anxiety. If you need to take them to function then that is what is necessary. It sounds like the children are already starting to understand that their mother is WRONG for trying to destroy your marriage and the more she talks about you, the better off you will be in their eyes. I promise you, by taking the "high road" you will be viewed as the logical and practical adult. I do agree with ldab. Ex's don't standardly change. Your husband and her will never get along unless something miraculous happens. As far as having a child, like I mentioned at the beginning, I know that this wont happen for me, but at 37, you should discuss this with your husband. Do not concern yourself with what others around you are going to think because it is none of their business!! Hang in there and remember your not the reason the marriage died.
For awhile, she did manage to turn his family to her side but it didn't last as eventually her craziness and selfishness became apparent. I honestly wish she could grow up and we could all be civil, at least for the kids' sake, but I'm starting to accept that just might never happen. It's not my problem and I need to just live my own life.
My husband and I are planning to try getting pregnant. I'm already trying to manage my expectations on that front. We will probably not adopt and we've decided against any expensive treatments, so if it doesn't work, I will have to come to terms with being childless myself. That will just be one more thing I've given up for this marriage, but I knew from the beginning I was willing to take that chance.
For me, I feel like I'm the one who's being really hard on myself even though his family and friends have all come around and are supportive now. It helps that his ex is so over-the-top crazy and delusional. She's basically burned every single bridge she had.