I know all too well what you are talking about....my BF has the same issues with his 3 kids. He does have 50/50 custody...Every Monday and Weds, and every other Friday, Sat, Sunday. So they go back and forth every other day during the week....the BM is an alcoholic with severe mental issues and as a result the kids have major emotional issues. The 14 yo tried to commit suicide last week and the 2 other boys have lots of emotional issues and low threshold for frustration. They are basically on their own at their "mother's" house and go crazy! I mean crazy! You can't hear when you call them on the phone...the chaos is so loud! it takes them quite a while to calm and get into the routine here...it's really sad. The two boys always comment on how they had a nice calm weekend ..but during the week it 's hard to get them to bed and to unwind at all....

.I'm really not sure what the answer is to your back and forth problems except to be consistent so they know what the expectations of living in your house are. No suprises. I think it makes them feel safe to know what the rules are and the boundaries. Also be firm but loving...be consistent with discipline and once they will know that they are loved and cared for. You guys can be their haven...that's all you can do when the other half is unable to try to be consistent in both houses.

I know what you mean also about the BM calling 5 to 6 times a day! OMG....get a life I want to yell! LIke she is the authority figure and knows of what she is talking about...if it were me and not my BF...I would just say...and this couldn't wait till later? I'd want to add also...when you are actually sober!

We have the same problem with our boys, ages 7 and 9. We have sole custody and let her see them 1 day a month or two because of that. The youngest has the most trouble and it goes a couple of weeks sometimes and carries over into school.

We're about to try to stip mommy dearest of her rights, but don't know if we'll be able to or not. They're simply not safe at her house and have said they'd rather have someone there when they visit (like supervised visitation).

I can't imagine what it takes to make a child want to have someone there while they visit their mom. I was physically and emotionally abused as a child myself and wouldn't have requested that.

I have been "offically" stepmom for over 7 yrs. When I first married my H, his ex went CRAZY with jealousy. She is STILL just as bad today but the "situation" has improved immensly. The fact is... I simply DON'T deal with her. I have my H do it. After all, he is the one who made the "smart" decision to bring children into this world with this woman... why should I be tortured by her daily? Of course, there are times where I have to talk to her, but niether of us like it and we just say what is necessary and get AWAY quickly. I am sure the kids know that we have our personal opionions of one another, but I NEVER reveal it to them. When they talk about how horrible their mother is, I try to show her perspective (in any way I possibly can). When they say wonderful things about their mom, I smile and light up and say how great it is! I actually really do think that, though. Their mom is a crappy mom, so anything she does that makes them happy... makes me happy. I try to focus on the positive and simply don't give her anything with the negative. When she "acts out", we all just ignore her now (even the kids). We pretend she is "just being human" and will get over it.

is there a court order for support? If not then there should be something that addresses both general support and variable expenses... If the phone calls are bogging you down.. don't answer the phone.. and tell her you will only respond by email..(not to include talking to her children..which of course she should within reason)then have your husband address anything that doesn't directly involve you.. try to make sure he does it throughly and promptly...

So why is this woman calling you and not your husband? I do not talk to my SK's mom. I tried to make an effort to be cordial long ago but she won't have it. Anyway - first I recommend you leave the conversations to your husband and her. You don't need the stress - unless this is what you really want? I know sometimes our hubby's are not too good at handling the calls, etc.., but I just decided it wasn't worth my sanity! ;-)

Anyway - if there is no order for child support or visitation be careful. Even with shared custody (50/50) there is still often child support. I have shared custody of my son but because i made more then my ex, I pay HIM child support.

If the swapping is causing trouble for the kids can you change the schedule? If I understand you all have every weekend? Maybe add on Friday or Monday instead of the mid week visit. That makes more stability/consistancy for the kids.

If you try and go for more custody just be prepared for a big fight. Unless you have something to show why it needs to be changed a judge may not even consider it. I've been trying to figure this out for myself and have been told by several lawyers - unless I can prove dad is causing issues, they will not change what we have.

I'm going to strongly agree with tjmv12.

I understand you want to continue the "cordiality" of the conversations you currently have, but at what cost? She should not be calling you every day... however, you don't want her to be mad and want things to continue going smoothly, right? So you just want to talk nicely- quickly- and get it over with. You'd rather have nice conversations every day, rather than once in awhile rude conversations simply because you told her not to call so much anymore.

Separate yourself from this situation. Whether you and DH are married or not, you will always be a third person to this scenario and will NEVER have any legal say with these children, unless you adopt them.

That being said, you might not have to tell the ex to stop calling you. When she calls about something trivial regarding the kids, if you start -and continue- to tell her, "Maybe this is something you should talk over with (DH,)" perhaps she might get the hint. If not, then by all means firmly tell her, "I love (child 1 and child 2,) and care for them and buy them things when they are with me, but I am not their parent and I do not make decisions for them. YOU and (DH) are, and so YOU TWO should be making these decisions. I will not be."

And of course, if she's calling and not talking about the children, then you can simply tell her that her phone calls are interfering with work and she shouldn't be calling so much.

Hun, you remind me so much of myself and my skids.

The best advice I can give to you is to accept that the children are the way they are, and be firm with the rules of your household. Do NOT dwell on what MAY be happening over at BM's house, because you're not going to change it. I understand it frustrates you the way she is raising those children, but there really is not a whole lot you can do about it unless she is f*cking up MAJORLY, and by that I mean doing drugs, drinking and driving, letting them stay home from school and fail, ect. But if it's simply a matter of "she lets them have too much freedom at her home," then you're not going to get anywhere anyway, and I urge you not to push your hubby into that direction.