Step Families Support Group
Traditionally, a stepfamily is the family one acquires when a parent enters a new marriage, whether the parent was widowed or divorced. This community is focused on many of the relationships and issues that may arise within stepfamilies where you may find answers from some members and you may help other members with their questions.
Hi,
I have been living together in a relationship with my husband for over 11 years now. I have two step daughters (ages 20 and 17). I have two boys with my husband (ages 1 and 5). I previously had a good relationship with my 17 year old stepdaughter, however, I feel that over the last few years, our relationship has suffered. Currently, I feel that we are just sharing a home and I am biding my time until she moves out for college. She often engages in minimal discussion with me. Last year she did not even wish me a happy birthday. I take this year as progress, as she sent me a Happy Birthday text. She loved it when I was pregnant with my first son (she was 12 at the time), but took it real hard when I was pregnant with my second (she was 15, cried, and gave my husband and I the silent treatment for a few days). Although she acts like she loves both of her brothers now, I still feel that our relationship is strained. Honestly, I am so busy with work, taking an online class, and taking care of the boys, that it feels like too much work to attempt to reach out to her. I have made attempts in the past and offered to take her out to lunch, etc. but she often does not accept the offer. I know that I should keep trying, but honestly, it is hard, and frustrating, and I just dont feel that I have the time and energy to keep trying and getting shut down. Then I feel a little guilty about that. I also notice that with step children there just doesn't seem like there is that unconditional love and acceptance that there is with my boys and I feel bad about that too. I imagine she feels unconditional love for her bio mom, because she has recently been spending time with her again. Her bio mom had a long stretch of substance use and did not see or talk to her for 6 years. I have always been there for her, yet she seems to have a better relationship with her bio mom now than with me.
I also feel like this strained relationship happened with my now 20 year old when she was this age. Our relationship is much better now that she has moved out. So, I feel like I am just "biding my time" and hope that one day things will get better, but do feel sad about the change in our relationship.
I have been living together in a relationship with my husband for over 11 years now. I have two step daughters (ages 20 and 17). I have two boys with my husband (ages 1 and 5). I previously had a good relationship with my 17 year old stepdaughter, however, I feel that over the last few years, our relationship has suffered. Currently, I feel that we are just sharing a home and I am biding my time until she moves out for college. She often engages in minimal discussion with me. Last year she did not even wish me a happy birthday. I take this year as progress, as she sent me a Happy Birthday text. She loved it when I was pregnant with my first son (she was 12 at the time), but took it real hard when I was pregnant with my second (she was 15, cried, and gave my husband and I the silent treatment for a few days). Although she acts like she loves both of her brothers now, I still feel that our relationship is strained. Honestly, I am so busy with work, taking an online class, and taking care of the boys, that it feels like too much work to attempt to reach out to her. I have made attempts in the past and offered to take her out to lunch, etc. but she often does not accept the offer. I know that I should keep trying, but honestly, it is hard, and frustrating, and I just dont feel that I have the time and energy to keep trying and getting shut down. Then I feel a little guilty about that. I also notice that with step children there just doesn't seem like there is that unconditional love and acceptance that there is with my boys and I feel bad about that too. I imagine she feels unconditional love for her bio mom, because she has recently been spending time with her again. Her bio mom had a long stretch of substance use and did not see or talk to her for 6 years. I have always been there for her, yet she seems to have a better relationship with her bio mom now than with me.
I also feel like this strained relationship happened with my now 20 year old when she was this age. Our relationship is much better now that she has moved out. So, I feel like I am just "biding my time" and hope that one day things will get better, but do feel sad about the change in our relationship.
Sounds like you did a great job, and she doesn't need you that much anymore. Also, teens aren't that into being around toddlers, and your life is busy. Just keep reaching out for the occasional lunch.
I get how you feel about your step child's mother too, you were there, when she walked away. Sounds much easier to raise a child than it is.
From her side, her mother is 50% of her, so it's much harder to just walk. Also the tendency is to over-romanticize what life would have been like growing up with mom.
I'm raising my own two kids (with child support from their dad) but the rest of it is pretty much on me. I know that 4-6 years from now, my son or daughter may say good-bye and head out to their dad's place...and there's no guarantee that they'll come back. If so...then so be it. I will have loved every minute with them...but then they're also my bio children.
As far as passive-aggressive goes...isn't that to some extent the definition of a teenager? They've learned how to hurt, so they'll exercise those muscles for awhile.
So to sum it all up, I know it's a whole lot harder and more painful than from the outside it looks like. But I think that if you hang on in there, eventually she'll find her way back and appreciate what you've given her. It takes a really, really special person to raise someone else's kid.
From a bio mom,
THANK YOU,
Patti
Patti is a genius... :-D I agree with her. Just keep letting her know you love her and that you're there for her. The rest is up to her. She won't forget what you've done for her.
Your children are blessed to have you. Thank you.