Step Families Support Group
Traditionally, a stepfamily is the family one acquires when a parent enters a new marriage, whether the parent was widowed or divorced. This community is focused on many of the relationships and issues that may arise within stepfamilies where you may find answers from some members and you may help other members with their questions.
Hi
Been with two stepdaughters for 8 years, the youngest is twelve and she hates me, her stepfather.
Ive not been perfect and am 47 so obviously old fashioned and I'm trying not to dominate. I've failed to realise she needed a softer touch. I've changed my behaviour and am letting go of expectations. Maybe she'll learn I'm ok one day but her real Dad is a Narcissis and I believe is an undiagnosed high functioning asbergers man who has them on three weekends in the month.
Every time she comes home theres two days of hate. Directed at me.
Does anyone relate? Not sure what I'm looking for but ... please tell me, am I going to see this as a phase, am I the asshole, do I need this shit?
Transitions have always been hard at our house too. It took a few days of adjustment, especially because he was living a very different lifestyle at his mom's house. We enforce a bedtime, and we become the bad guys.
I've been trying to change my approach with him to be more understanding of where he's coming from and I am hoping this part is temporary. I think it's normal behavior but it's hard not to take it personally.
Thanks for the response. Time heals they say. Amazing how the step parents that have been putting in the work (for years), get so easily taken out of the loop by pubescent kids. I believe you're right too. I guess there's a lot more confusion going on in the child's brain than ours as step parents.
I too am working on my approach and thanks for saying so. I wrote it at a dip in the constantly fluctuating mood at home. I bet I'm not the only step Dad out there that feels vulnerable. It just has the power to totally rock our precarious world. Thanks for being the voice of reason. I appreciate it. Cheers!
Bio mom is - how can I say this nicely - she's a deadbeat. She will purchase expensive bikes for herself and her daughter, BUT she doesn't have the funds when it comes time to pay for the girls' dental and mental bills. The bills her divorce decree says she should be paying. My husband gets calls from the collection agencies all the time- guess who they are looking for?
My husband's ex-wife will take advantage of anyone, and I believe she has a Borderline Personality Disorder - subgroup - Narcissistic Entitlement Queen. Being a personality disorder - she has brainwashed her little princesses - future entitlement queens themselves, sorry to say - into believing that everything proceeding out of her big, fat lying mouth is the gospel truth. For example, she was the one who broke the family up. But she tells the girls all the time that she only physically left after her then-husband abandoned the family - by not catering to her every demand. And, boy was there a lot of demands. And the little nitties believed their Mama's lies - hook, line, and sinker.
Why?
Because they are not mature enough or willing enough or strong enough - to see the truth for themselves.
Let me tell you something - anyone with a personality disorder will be a pathological liar. Couple this with the old ghetto attitude - "when Mammy ain't happy - NOBODY IS HAPPY!" and you have a very toxic environment to raise kids in. Those little girls believe anything that woman (their biomammy) says for the simple fact - they have to live with the b****h, and they learned the best way to survive is to appease the damn Queen. They believe her lies because they want to and because it's better if they do.
Why?
Because she's the DISNEY LAND MAMMY - she's the fun parent (I mean egg donor who uses her offspring to entertain herself) who treats the girls as friends (parentifies them) and doesn't set any boundaries. She buys them everything they want, and they can do what they want. She's the one who also takes them everywhere that's fun, fun, fun. She rewards them very well.
Mind you she doesn't do homework, Getting homework done and educating her children are not on her priority list at all. Providing her offspring with healthy meals is not on her list either - why should it be when there are all those fast food restaurants? Things like these things get in her way of having fun and when she's not having fun - these things get in her way of doing nothing. Her favorite hobby is sitting on the couch watching tv eating fast food.
There's a darker reason why the girls always side with her. Because she abandoned her then-husband and the girls, Biomom's offspring developed this fear that she will and can discard them at any time - so they will do anything and everything to please her - even if it means throwing their father and me under the bus. Why don't they feel bad about this?
It's human nature at its best! They know that their poor Dad is the stable one and will never leave them regardless of how poorly they treat him. They do this because he's the safe one - the dependable one.
Hence, they treat my husband like s**t when they come back here from their Biomammy's.
The Entitlement Queen has already taught them they shouldn't respect their father - because she doesn't. They are following in her footsteps. They won't treat her bad because - she's the fun parent - she's the unpredictable one who could go away in a heartbeat if they did, so they don't take her for granted.
Is this fair?
No, but its reality and its an example of what human nature is. An acorn doesn't fall far from the tree. I have a feeling these girls will be just like their egg donor.
That's my husband's story.
So, what can you do about your situation?
Stand up for yourself - show the kid that you deserve respect.
Sooner or later - when the child reaches the age of 16 years she will start thinking for herself and hopefully, she will see who the true bad guy was and who the good guy is. If this doesn't happen then the old expression - the acorn doesn't fall far from the tree will apply.
I hope this helps!