Spouses of Transgender Community Group

Being transgender it's not easy but neither for their spouses. This group is created with the intention of helping and getting to know others that are in. the same situation or to just educate those that are on the other side of the fence and want to know how does it feel or how would it feel to be a spouse of a transgender person. The main objective of this group is...

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worriedandconfused80 01/02/2018

I'm a 37 yo cis gender female in a long term relationship with a 40 year old ftm who has transitioned 7 years ago. When we first met he presented as straight male but has said that because of feeling so comfortable within our relationship has realised that they fall more within the non binary/ gender fluid category. I also considered myself as a straight female at the beginning but have made discoveries about my own sexuality also. None of these things are an issue for us and we have no problems with identity. The problems start with sexuality. When the relationship started they told me that they always identified as a lesbian pre transition and has no intrest in males. Since then they have told me that before we got together they were curious about being with a male sexually and slept with a gay man on numerous occasions. This man has constantly tried to contact my partner through social media and I now know that for the first month or so of us being together my partner answered them, although I think all replies were innocent I just can't quite trust that to be true. We've never had any problems sexually until recently as I'm starting to think that the things my partner likes in bed would be more enjoyable for them if they were with a male. I enjoy every part of our sex life and they say they do too and get quite angry when I bring up the "being with a male" thing. This is destroying us, I can't get the image out of my head and right now I don't even want to look at them never mind anything else, each time I think I've dealt with it mentally it comes back to haunt me and it's causing damage between us that is going to become irreversible if it doesn't stop. I suppose what I'm asking is, is it possible to have been in the position they've been in and to not want or crave that anymore? Is it possible that they are happy with what we are and what we do after being with a man? Can I also add, one of the things that confuse me is the fact they said although it didn't disgust them they realised it wasn't for them. Surely that would have been a realisation after the first or second time? I know this happened numerous times and they had also decided to spend a New Year's Eve alone together while this was going on. Surely all of that counts as more than just a bit of curiousness going on? Or am I way off the mark here? Any reply would be greatly appreciated

Sadieblake 01/03/2018

I'm sure it's entirely possible, probably likely that they're still primarily attracted to you specifically and women generally. I certainly went out of my way to be sure I got laid by a guy (3some with my so and her occasional fwb).

I have to say, if novel, it was underwhelming. I'm absolutely interested first in women and I have to say, having been sexual with a couple of lesbian females over the years, they've been my favorite lovers.

worriedandconfused80 01/03/2018

Sadie can I ask if you are also a trans guy? Thank you for your reply by the way

Cora 01/03/2018

Hi worriedandconfused80, I suppose the key to all this is examining what has been going on with your relationship recently. You said that you think your partner would prefer to have a male do what you guys do in the bedroom. Is there anything specifically why you would think that?

Also, when your partner was texting their previous lover, was that recent?

Sadieblake 01/03/2018

Worried, I'm mtf trans female.

worriedandconfused80 01/03/2018

Firstly thank you Sadie,
Hi Cora , I'm not quite sure about what to put here as I don't want to go into massive detail about our bedroom antics but let's just say there is no dysphoria where their bits are concerned and enjoys what most females do I suppose. Also positioning during sex (as in them facing away from me ) sorry about the lack of info but it's hard to describe without actually saying it

worriedandconfused80 01/03/2018

The contact like that for me isn't great but they say they can feel what they need to and it's more the feeling of being dominated. At the end of it all I'm not sure if it's my insecurities or the fact that I'm picking up on more. Who can tell? As for the texting thing as far as I know they only replied to him for about a month or so after us first getting together and only about things that were day to day all other messages were ignored (and there were some really explicit messages) he knew my partner was in a relationship and still tried to ask them to meet up. He was still sending those type of messages up until September past was the last time I knew of and I'm thinking that's a long time to be messaging someone with no reply. If it were me I would have made it clear that the messages weren't welcome or took away the access to message at all but I would never think of telling them what to do as that's not in me. Sorry for rambling but it's all coming out in a jumble

Cora 01/03/2018

No worries Worried! I think I get what you are saying--like your partner is asking you to act/perform like a gay or heterosexual man with a penis, and you feel like you are not measuring up? I'm guessing you get the sense that your partner isn't really enjoying themselves when you perform that way?

I guess the thing that is concerning to me is that if my partner felt insecure about something sexual, but I was enjoying myself, I would reassure my partner instead of getting angry.

Sadieblake 01/03/2018

Worried, I get and am sorry what you're dealing with. My GF really doesn't know how to ring my bell now and has absolutely no interest in giving me head anymore (ironic that before surgery she liked giving but I was pretty ambivalent due to dysphoria and now I want it really badly and can't get it).

I'm working pretty hard to be accepting of where she's at and to keep the fires of physical love and pleasure going - that's always been my role in our sexual relationship but now I'm also trying to fathom what works for me and so .... It's just a little complicated.

I want our relationship to succeed and am also still realistic on the things that need to improve on the physical side.

Hugs, hoping things look up

worriedandconfused80 01/04/2018

Hi Cora, they tell me they more than enjoy it when we do that and don't get me wrong that's not the only thing we do by any means and only plays a small part of things but I think you've hit on it when you say perform "like a man" I definitely have no inclination to play that role and that's maybe why I feel like it isn't as enjoyable for me. As for the anger it didn't start off that way, they were quite reassuring to begin with but the more I question what they say the less the patience is getting. They've said that it's like I don't trust them to be able to tell me the truth and they've given me no reason to think they'd lie to me but still I keep doubting . I suppose I think if they keep telling me it'll eventually get through but everyone only has a certain level of how long they're going to keep repeating themselves. The whole male thing has definitely threw me and although they tell me that they are attracted to me and what I have I would trust them in a room full of women but not men. That pains me to admit that because ultimately I don't think they've given me any real reason to feel that way .

worriedandconfused80 01/04/2018

Hi Sadie, I take it you have had bottom surgery? If so is your girlfriend happy with having sex in other ways? My partner is the first person I've slept with that isn't cis male and hadn't had bottom surgery and I was very nervous to begin with. It's navigating a whole new world and even though I have the same bits as them it didn't make me feel any more experienced when it came to someone else's lol. But we more than got there and I couldn't imagine it being any different. Can I ask how long it's been since surgery? And how your gf feels about it?
Big hugs right back

Sadieblake 01/04/2018

Yes I had vaginoplasty in April, so 8 months and I'm not quite completely pain free but mostly so.

As I said, my GF has no interest in giving head, has otherwise been good with my vagina and as you said, not experienced and that's fine, just as I'm slowly working towards understanding how to orgasm, she's getting more comfortable with sex with a female and .... We'll see. It's fun exploring and I'm hopeful we'll build a new mutual language.

Wrathoftime 01/04/2018

Worriedand confused80, it's natural to be nervous to begin with even if you have the same bits. They are totally different when they are on another person. Things will get better in time.

Sadie, it takes time to get things moving in the bedroom. I had vangioplasty too 2 years ago and my wife and i are still in the learning process. You have to keep trying new things and find out what works best for both of you.

My wife also has no interest in giving head, but doesn't mind me giving her head, so i can understand your frustrations. Just like you i hope someday to experience that, but time will tell.

worriedandconfused80 01/06/2018

I'm so grateful for all of your help on here but I think I've decided to walk away from the relationship. The negativity that now surrounds things is just too much to bear. I have big problems in having any sort of conversation with my partner that involves any part of their sexual past and that's a problem that I know is mine alone. The need for them to talk about their past keeps cropping up, it isn't in detail but it'll be references to things here and there that right now I don't have the capability of hearing or dealing with so I've come to the end of the line with what I'm willing to put them or myself through any more. I suppose it's a lesson to me that I'm not ready until I've dealt with my own demons of insecurity and feelings of not measuring up so need to spend the foreseeable on my own either trying to deal with that.. or not deal with it. Again thank you to everyone who has taken the time to message with great advice and kinds words

Wrathoftime 01/07/2018

Worriedandconfused80, Sorry to hear that you are breaking up and wish you the best.

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