Spouses of Transgender Community Group
Being transgender it's not easy but neither for their spouses. This group is created with the intention of helping and getting to know others that are in. the same situation or to just educate those that are on the other side of the fence and want to know how does it feel or how would it feel to be a spouse of a transgender person. The main objective of this group is...
I'm kind of crying right now for no reason or maybe for a whole lot of reasons. Mostly out of control stress hormones on the loose in my body. I had a therapy session yesterday which seemingly was innocuous until I went home and reflected and my mood devolved from there. I feel like my therapist was saying she had nothing more to offer me except the recommendation to go to a doctor and get medicated and that I was pretty much stuck in this state until things get more figured out, implying perhaps that my only relief would be gained by speeding up the transition process.
My spouse just sees my anxiety and then tells me he doesn't want to do anything more because I don't seem to be able to deal with the whole situation. While this should seem like a sweet, loving gesture, it just make ME feel responsible for his misery, making me feel even shittier and more stressed out. I never asked him to stop and I have no control over what the stress is doing to me physically. Plus, my anxiety is not exactly based on not wanting him to transition at all. It is just the stress of not knowing what is going to happen, not knowing REALLY how he feels, what will ultimately make him happy and worrying that he will sacrifice his happiness for what he thinks is best for me and in the end, we will both be unhappy. We both want the best for each other to the demise of ourselves. It is like that story "The Gift of the Magi" where they both sacrifice their own good to please the other and they end up with useless gift (because she has no hair for her comb and he has no watch for the chain). But at least in the end they have proof of their unselfish love and the things the sacrificed were just things. In our marriages, to be unselfish, we don't sacrifice things, we sacrifice our own happiness and wants and desires. And in the end we could end up with a beautiful, selfless, loving marriage. Or we could end up incompatible. It is so sad to even think that, it is making me cry again. Maybe I do just need to be medicated.
I know this might seem crazy, but I think I wish my husband could just figure out what makes him (or her) happy and allow himself to at least acknowledge and talk about it and maybe even pursue some of it, even if it is bad for me. And I hope we both have the strength to figure this out AND be pretty happy in the end, whatever that means. And I hope we find some stable ground soon because the uncertainty of everything is wearing me out.
Sorry for the downer. This is the only place I can honestly answer the question, "How are you doing?" Hugs to you all. Thanks for floating close by in cyberspace.
Best case scenario, it's all going to work out and you'll end up staying together and happy in the end. So ripping yourself apart with worry and anxiety is not only wasted time and energy but harmful to you, and didn't impact the process anyway.
Worst case scenario, you can't make it work together and end up separated in the end. Then you will have wasted what little real time you had together turning yourself inside out with worry.
The important thing is that you're together now and you are never going to get these minutes and days back once they're gone. I hope you can find a way wring every ounce of happiness out of each day for yourself and your partner, cause none of us really knows what tomorrow holds.
First of all, maybe time for a new therapist? If the message you are receiving is along the lines of "I've done what I can. Time for you to just move on", regardless of whether that was the intent, then it's time for a change of therapist.
Second, trying to hide/deny/extinguish my gender dysphoria over decades has resulted in that stress manifesting (considerably) as anxiety and depression, so I do understand something of your experience of both. You're anxiety is coming from your mind trying to predict the future and getting caught up in catastrophic thinking; your depression is about looking back at what you've had and the realization that things will never be the same. Also understand that you are going through a grieving process also - initial acceptance, then denial, then anger and confusion. Eventually, you will come to the point of overall acceptance (regardless of what the situation looks like). With all that in mind, you have to be forgiving with yourself - all of these emotions are extremely real and extremely valid; none of them need to be 'justified' for existing, they're just there. And that's what you need to keep reminding yourself: they are just emotions/feelings and they are temporary. Things will get better and there will be a time when you will be happy.
Gutted is right when she talks about 'wringing the happiness out of each day'. In terms of therapy, this is referred to as 'mindfulness' - trying to live each moment in the 'now'; to grab hold of your mind when it starts to run forward and predict the future; recognizing that past memories of happiness are just that, memories. Like I said earlier, the feelings/emotions you are experiencing are very real; you can't stop them by sheer will-power, so all you can do for the time-being is to accept them. Even better, if you learn to embrace them, then you break the hold that they have over you.
Thirdly, recognize your circle of control and what you actually don't have control over. This is really important - we spend so much time and effort festering over things that we have no control over! So, make a list of the things you CAN control, no-matter how basic that list is, and let go of everything else. You have no control over the time it takes for your SO to figure out what he wants to do, so you have to learn to accept that, but in terms of that waiting period, there will be many things that you do have control over. You just need to figure out what they are.
Lastly, and this is the hard one, both you and your SO need to understand and accept that you are NOT responsible for each other's happiness. You alone are responsible for your happiness, so what is it you want? What is it you need? You are responsible for these, just as your SO is responsible for theirs. In short, ultimately, the decisions your SO makes will not determine whether you will be happy or not.
I really do understand your torment and this isn't going to be a quick fix. I sincerely apologize if any of the above has caused offense - that was not the intention! Please know that there are people here who are for you and want the best for you. Even if you discard everything above, please consider the idea of a new therapist.
Sincerely. Please take care.
I knew each step of telling my partner my evolving status was hard, I'm sure she was holding some hope I'd reverse course and my final decision point for surgery was arranging our flights to San Francisco.
The dropping of that news was far less stressful for both of us than the periods of uncertainty.
Lastly, I'd recast the advice you've gotten as the thinking mind is limited. You can't think your way past an emotional bind. I don't mean be stupid but do recognize the limits?
Honestly, I don't think I over-think things too much or worry about some catastrophic future or pine over the past. What does bother me as I live in the present, is an overwhelming FEELING (not thought) of shakiness and instability and uncertainty. Those things affect the past and future too, but they also affect the present.
I was probably oversimplifying things about the therapist. She did not say she had nothing left to offer me. My mood just went there because I didn't get a quick, easy answer to what I am struggling with the most right now.
Arianwen, you are right that I need to figure out what I DO have control over because right now I feel like I have control over nothing, but I know that is the out of control panic disorder speaking. Until I quiet that, it may be difficult to think clearly about issues like control, but I am making a mental note to keep trying, thanks.
I look forward to the acceptance stage, especially when it is more clear what it is exactly that I am accepting. Sometimes I just need to explode a little along the way... :)
We too are trying to use the 'mindfulness' technique. Just living for now, for each other and the kids.
It is hard being in limbo though, and I know that once we are back home after the holiday we are going to have grab the beast by the horns again, and face things, plan the next step, if there is to be any.
Hugs to you xxx
As for meds, I go back and forth on it. I think if you are really struggling day after day, I think I would try anti-anxiety meds. You can try it out and if it's not helpful, you can stop.
I think you guys should schedule an appointment with an endocrinologist. Even though I still feel horrible, I think making the appointment was helpful because it was the next step. My spouse is nervous about it, but I tell him it's just an appointment and he doesn't have to do anything, but I do feel like it's incredibly important to go. Like, I refuse to continue my life in limbo and honestly, I kinda feel like our relationship will end either way, but if it's going to end, I rather my spouse make a decision to move forward rather than have our relationship to slowly die. Like, me and our relationship is not a replacement drug for his issues. And if he does not want to make a decision or cannot explain his feelings, I will have to make a decision about my life, regardless of where he ends up.