Spouses of Transgender Community Group
Being transgender it's not easy but neither for their spouses. This group is created with the intention of helping and getting to know others that are in. the same situation or to just educate those that are on the other side of the fence and want to know how does it feel or how would it feel to be a spouse of a transgender person. The main objective of this group is...
I'm new. I'm lost. I'm scared. And I'm just so tired.
TLDR; My MTF partner and I have known each other since high school (20+ years) but never dated until 2019 (good things take time, I suppose). We reconnected in person in 2019 (were in contact online over a decade) and right from the start she told me she was CD (even though I knew there was more). In the Spring, came out as transgender. This past year has gone from someone her narcissistic ex shoved in a box to an absolutely wonderful, outgoing trans woman; hair professionally done, nails, ears pierced, professional breast forms. She took the next step and started spironolactone a few months ago. Although that may seem very fast, she though about ALL of it for decades. Each decision carefully planned (over analyzed, to be real).
This past year has had its ups and downs. Last winter was a lot of pulling her out of the bottle and seeing her through depression. This summer was a lot of questions and celebrating milestones. We're both disabled - she served out country & I worked myself nearly to death - so when the country shut down our options to go do anything became quite limited. That put a lot of stress on us, but also gave us a lot of time for good communication. All of that has completely fallen apart.
I don't know if it's mood swings from the Spiro, the fact she's drinking too much with it (or that the docs won't let her proceed until she cuts down more), the stress about family/friends/ex wife (they share a son). I'm not perfect, I know that. But I breathe wrong?! (Apparently I make an annoying sigh 70 times a day. That was the thing 2 weeks ago.)
I have my own medical things I'm no longer "allowed" to talk about that make me clumsy. If I knock something over (last night I knocked over the coffee table that was too close the the couch when I woke up) it's always on purpose. I "never listen", we're "not going to have this conversation", but I'll get yelled at. I'm accused of "twisting everything around". I've gone from being the most wonderful partner (her words) to an "evil Karen" who can go "f*** myself or kill myself".
Please don't misunderstand; she's NOT an awful person. She's one of the most caring people I've ever known. She's just... gone. I don't mean the "he's gone now she's here" thing some people have tried to tell me. I mean, SHE IS GONE! My girlfriend is not there anymore. It's like I'm living with some empty shell filled with hatred for me. Unless she wants or needs something... then I'm ok. But just ok.
She voices that she refuses to take anyone's feelings into consideration. When it comes to decisions about herself and her transitioning, I get that. But when it comes to how she treats people, I'm sorry, I just don't agree with it. I can see why a few of her friends aren't talking to her. And what am I supposed to say? "I don't know hun, maybe they're busy"?
She's the one who told me that just because someone is transitioning doesn't mean they get to treat people like crap. So why is she treating me like crap? Why am I not allowed to make mistakes? Why is my post stroke stuff no longer allowed to be my normal anymore? Why am I not allowed to be human?
A couple days after my post here, what tends to happen, happened; a complete turn around. In that turn around, she shows regret for her behavior and we’re ok again. Things feel normal. I should say, things ARE normal.
It wasn’t just the usual every day stuff - this time of year being even more - of dinner, shopping, etc. We actually enjoyed going out and getting a tree, setting up the house, putting up lights, etc. Then the snowstorm hit. And she isn’t feeling good. And stress from other things having nothing to do with me.
I’m having a health issue requiring me to need my doctor on Monday, and it’s not something minor. I also need to go pick up my cats ashes. I get “are you taking a shower before you go?” I said that I don’t know. Apparently, that’s not ok. I’m barely into my 1st cup of coffee at this point (and just now finishing as I type). She goes off about how I’m ‘always speaking in circles, always do, she can’t keep up anymore, she’s sick of it.’
She just walked out the door with a “see you when I see you”. That’s a hissy fit kind of statement.
I called her on it this morning. I told her it wasn’t me, it was her. Me stating “I don’t know” when I’m barely awake is not an issue. I told her to take care of whatever she needed to do today, I can pick up the cats ashes Monday if need be.
I’m trying to track her major mood swings. But it’s going to change now. Her estrogen patches should be coming in today. I’m a bit worried cause she hasn’t been honest with her doc about her alcohol intake, but at the same time hoping her aggression will drop. I’m also wondering just how much of her inability to deal with how she’s supposed to be cutting down - and not doing very well - she’s taking out on everything else in life.
She is a combat veteran with PTSD. Whiskey keeps the dreams away. But it’s got to stop. Her blow ups over the stress of just that struggle will push me away. And I’m dealing with my guts (literally) possibly falling apart inside my body. I had precancerous polyps years ago and now something is wrong. It’s like she didn’t even hear me this morning when I told her (please excuse the TMI) my insides are bleeding. So my “I don’t know” was damn well ok.
What I’m having the most difficult time with is the mood & personality changes in my partner. Yes, there are times - like last night, actually - when I have memories of the guy I knew for decades. And I miss him.
I remember how we met in high school and how he was the only person who actually saw certain parts of who I truly was. We used to leave the school on his motorcycle at lunch. Good times. But we didn’t date back then. He never left my mind. Ever. And the feeling of being around his soul never left mine.
When we reconnected in person so many years later, it was that same feeling. Even when she began transitioning, it remained. Even as pheromones change, she still smells the same to me. But that spark and smile is so long gone and so lost.
Do I miss him? I’d be lying if I said I didn’t. But it’s what I miss that I can’t exactly figure out. If those things were still here, would I still?
We always said “friends first”, no matter what. That’s a promise I’ll never break. I’ve always believed ones lover should always be their best friend. But she doesn’t even treat me like a friend.
So I’m not sure what I even miss anymore. I know what I’ve always loved, gender aside. I just don’t know how to hold on.
Yes, she’s been in therapy for a while. And I have a HUGE, kind of sad, update.
As of now, we’re officially no longer partners. She still keeps telling me much of it is because I went off one of my medications. In fact, she told me I slapped her yesterday. We have security cameras on the house, so we brought up the footage and it showed I did not.
1. It devastated me to think I may have and
2. It reaffirmed to me that I haven’t been doing/saying the things that she claims (that I know I haven’t been - yet she says them so much I’ve been questioning myself)
We have known each other 20+ years. We both love each other very much. We had a conversation about EVERYTHING, in which she even admitted she has been a bit off on a few things. But she’s confused and needs to be single right now. I respect that. We are each other’s best friends first, no matter what. I think I need it to. We both know that we may have a future together as a couple, and if we don’t, it’s ok. (And I’ll destroy anyone who hurts her. LOL) I need a break from certain pressures (bedroom ones, I’ll spare details).
It’s weird, kinda, that even with this we’re absolutely comfortable still sharing a bed still. It’s no big deal at all. She truly is my absolute best friend and it really could go either way; remain my best friend or go back to being my partner in life. I don’t even know how to explain that.
I am feeling pain and loss, in a way, but a slight bit of relief. Neither of us are looking for others whatsoever. We’re this crazy ridiculous team against the world. I’m happy & hurting. Does this make sense?
We’re getting along fine. Getting the house ready for her son to come up for xmas. Living life like usual. She called me babe today. (Is that just habit?) It’s like the only things missing are a title and kisses goodbye when one or the other leaves the house.
Am I all in my head about everything?
I spoke to my doc today just be be sure that I’m not missing any possible side effects from going off a medication a few months ago (that my body was rejecting). Completely in the clear. There’s no chance I’d be doing or saying things and then forgetting them. My doc also works with TG individuals and explained to me some of the effects of the T blocker my partner is on and told me mood swings are possible with this hormone on its own (Spironolactone - which she’s been on alone for months). I’m not blame shifting, I’m completely understanding this is something she cannot control. I’m not mad at her, just confused as what to really do.
Happy news; she started estrogen yesterday evening! She put on her first patch and I’m very happy for her. I’m hoping she’ll start to balance out. Admittedly, for my sake as well as hers. The stress definitely makes it hard for me to be as supportive as I’d like to be. And her sodium/potassium levels have been unbalanced (she’s had to change diet a lot) with the t blocker alone.
The most important aspect of all of this is to be a good friend. Without that, nothing else really matters. Do I want to be her partner? Yes. I do. Even with all the questions that linger over it all. But I know, more than anything, that I want to keep my friendship intact.
If I don’t talk to any of you before hand, to those who celebrate: Merry Christmas & Happy New Year!
Thank you. I’ve tried, but I don’t think I much can anymore. Early this morning she did something that makes me worry she’s got other things going on inside that have nothing to do with transitioning and may need some kind of help.
Her son is up for the holiday break. He came in at some point and “daddy wouldn’t wake up”. (NOTE: He knows daddy is changing, still calls her daddy.) So I had to wake her up. No big deal, wake her up so she can take care of her son. Well... she cones back in, turns the light on, walks out. I turn it off. She does it again. After I turned the light off a second time she decides she’s going to turn on the lamp next to the bed and sit there playing a game on her phone to try to keep me awake. All this cause I woke her up. I woke her up for her son! WTH?!
Now this morning she starts on me as soon as I wake up. We’re supposed to be going to a friends. I get, “We’re leaving by 2 if you are joining us.” I thought we were all invited. But she’s been lying to me about a lot of things - including telling me friends want nothing to do with me. So I asked about if we were all invited.
I went out on the front porch (we don’t vape w/ little guy in the house) and she comes out and starts on me. I simply said “stop”. I’m not even awake yet. “Call an Uber” is what I get.
It’s now reached the point of too much. Too much drinking, too much blaming, too much everything and none of it has to do with her transitioning. But she constantly blames everything on people having a problem with it. No one does!
The only thing I said yesterday was that after her not seeing her son for 2 months was that she should have been spending Christmas with her son instead of being on the phone with a friend talking about her medical stuff - and he (who’s just about 8) could hear it. Be with your kid! I’d say that to anyone about anything.
It’s bad. It’s really bad. I don’t feel safe anymore.
One of the ladies on this board made a comment I'll never forget--that she had done some research and found that loneliness can cause narcissism. At first, this struck me as strange, but after I thought about it, it makes a lot of sense. Like if you can't connect with others, you only have yourself to think about.
That's to say, from the behavior you describe, it wouldn't surprise me that your partner is the one who exhibits more narcissistic behavior than her ex. There are many people who like to project their flaws into others so they don't have to take responsibility for their actions.
Anyway, you deserve to feel safe. Take care of yourself. *hugs*