Hello and welcome to the group. I am new here too. I understand what you are going through. Mine did the same to me after 25 years of marriage. Ten years later we are still together.

I had to do a lot of soul searching. I was to wanted to be informed. I found a group on line for Cross dressers Phi Epsilon Mu. There I meet another wife on line. We talked on line a lot. Come to find out that she too had gone through what I was going through. She talked me to coming to a meeting.

We arrived early so that my husband could become a woman for the night. I don't know who was more scared. I don't know what I thinking. What I found was a group of warm loving people. There were other wives there also. It was a pot luck dinner. After dinner the wives went to another room. There I was able to ask anything I wanted. No one said, I was an awful person for wanting my husband back. They supported me!

Since then the club has changed so much for the better I think. We have serval members who have already became female, we have members that never want to go all the way or to the dark side (as my friend calls it).

You need to take care of yourself first. You have choices to make. Yes, you do have that right. It is not all about him/her it's about you!.

The first to remember is you are still new to this. He has known most of if not all of his life. Give yourself some time. I know that you feel like he came out of the closet and you are in. That is just how I felt.

I took a lot of long walks to clear mind. What it boiled down to was that I still loved the person. It was the person that I fell in love with. Not a part of his body.

Has our life changed you bet it has. Like all married couples we have fights. Usually after I have had all I could handle for the time. We fight and make up.

I would not recommend telling anyone outside this group or any other group you may join. The reason is. Once you tell, you can't be sure, of what that person will do or say.
Are you ready for everyone finding out?

I wasn't and still do want everyone to know. Our 28 year old son knows. He is ok with it but prefers not to see her. He has gone to a meeting and out to dinner with group. He has asked, that we do not tell his friends. There is no reason for them to know.

I personally don't want the look. The oh, poor Lindy look who she married.

I have come to terms with it. I do go out with her, to the club, shopping, dinner, movies what ever else we decide to do.

I am not telling you are anyone else to stay. That is your choice. I just want to let you know that there those of us who do.

As far for it going away. I am sorry, I wish and pray that it would. It don't. I will tell you that our club is the most warm, loving and supporting group that I found. Would you be willing to go to a club meeting with him/her?

I do go and enjoy the meeting very much. I also make sure, that I have a set of keys so that, I may leave at any time. No questions asked. The deal I simply tell her I need alone time and leave. She is allowed to stay. I leave, when she is ready to leave she calls me and I go pick her up.

I have only done this once. I just have to know that I have control of what I do.

If you are any one else would like more information on my other group just ask.

Lindy59,

Thank you for your response I really appreciate it. I've been working so hard to keep this a secret and have done a good job so far. I also want to avoid the looks people give when they feel sorry for you. I don't want people constantly asking me "how are you doing". Finally, the thing I worry about the most is people trying to tell me what I should do. How if they were in this situation they would leave them no questions asked. The last thing I want is someone who has no clue trying to tell me what they would do. I've realized now you might think you'll handle things a certain way but until your in the situation you can't possibly know what you'll do.

Just curious how long did it take you to come to terms with it? Where you comfortable going out in public with her in the beginning? If anyone has any advise how to make this part easier please let me know. I'm constantly worrying about people staring or running into someone I know.

I think I would be willing to go to a meeting with her however and haven't found any local ones. There is a transgender support group in town which meets onces a week but it doesn't allow spouses to attend. I would love to meet others who are going through the same thing. Being able to speak about it and not instantly be judge feels great.

My husband told me he was a cross dresser 1 week before our 19th anniversary. He told me that this was something our friends and family didn't need to know about - not because there was anything wrong with it but because they wouldn't understand. As I read about it, I began to believe that my husband was not a cross dresser but was, in fact, transgendered. As the months went on, that became more and more evident. Eleven months after he told me, I asked him to move out. I hadn't had a good night's sleep in almost a year. I was constantly stressed out and on the verge of tears, and I regained about 60 lbs that I had worked so hard to lose in the previous years. My blood pressure was high, and I was just a wreck. I could no longer live the way I had lived the past 11 months.

You ask, "Will it get any easier?" Sadly, the answer to that is no. Your husband may reach a point where he is happy in his transition. However, that will probably just be temporary. Eventually, he will want to take it further and further. At least that is the way it went with my husband. When he moved out, he said he wasn't going to do anything "drastic." Well, in the 18 months since he has been gone, he started taking female hormones, legally changed his name and had his professional credentials reissued, had facial reconstructive surgery, various other surgeries, and finally "gender correction" surgery. He has fully transitioned. He has also drained our bank account and sold some of our stocks to pay for the surgeries as well as a new condo near the beach. But hey.... at least he didn't do anything drastic, right?

That is my story and it, in no way, means that it will be yours. Only you can decide what you'd like to do. I see my husband's transition as a death of the man I used to love. He has changed - and I don't mean just physically. His entire personality has changed. I know some have said their spouse is still the same person but just in a different package. That is NOT the case with my husband.

Regardless, I do think you should speak to someone. I have a couple of very dear friends that I know I can trust. I told them after several months, and it was only after speaking to someone was I able to start dealing with it, healing, letting go, and moving on. These people did not betray my confidence and I trusted them implicitly. If you do not have a friend like that, then go to a professional. But do find someone you can talk to. Not someone who will try to convince you of anything one way or the other, but someone who will allow you to and help you sort this all out so you can do what is best for you.

Like I said, we have lived separate lives now for about 18 months. We are still married, and we are cordial. He is a good dad and our girls love him very much. It took us awhile, but we are all happy. In fact, I, personally, am happier than I have been in years. The last few years when he was still home were strained. He always seemed distant and distracted, and now I understand why.

I hope you will be able to find someone you can talk to and that you will be able to reach a place, a new normal, where you are happy and content - whether that place is starting a new chapter on your own or starting a new chapter with your spouse..

Please come back here and keep us updated.

Everything you are feeling is completely normal. Just my quick input:

1) You should not keep it a secret. You are doing yourself a disservice and only making things easier for him. Isn't there a single person in your life that you can trust with this information? Please, please tell someone and accept "the look" they might give you. What has happened to you is tragic in a sense and you deserve to have people understand that you are slowly losing your husband.

2) Despite everything my husband said, everything about him has changed for the worst. He is his number 1 priority despite our 2 children. He used to be an amazing Dad. Maybe once he is done with his transition and the novelty of living as his "authentic self" has worn off, he might come around again and want to be part of their lives but for now, he plays a very limited role.

3) Look up the Straight Spouse Network. It was originally formed for spouses of those that came out as gay but they have incorporated transgender into it now. They have local meetings but also a couple of groups on Facebook, once being specifically for woman in our position.

Good luck. From everything I have heard, it won't get easier for a very long time. I am 15 months since disclosure and 5 months since separation. There are several days at a time where things seem easier. But then they can get really hard again. It's a process we must get through. Good luck!

I've been married for now 10 years. I knew he enjoyed wearing women's clothes from time to time, and I didn't have a problem with that. But now he has gotten rid of all his male clothing, wears makeup every day, calls himself a lesbian (I am not) and will be starting HRT very soon. He is very happy, but I am lost. My husband, who I love dearly is now gone. I am not leaving the marriage, but I am not attracted to this new person. I feel lost and confused. I try to keep my feelings locked away cuz if I don't I would be crying all the time. I miss him so much.