Spouses of Transgender Community Group

Being transgender it's not easy but neither for their spouses. This group is created with the intention of helping and getting to know others that are in. the same situation or to just educate those that are on the other side of the fence and want to know how does it feel or how would it feel to be a spouse of a transgender person. The main objective of this group is...

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Cora 12/01/2017

So, I just sent some emails to some psychiatrists. First order of business is to check my spouse's depression mediciation and dosage. Then, depending on how that goes, to see an endocrinologist.

Things have been really up and down this past month. One of the things that's really hard is that after I suggested that we should go to an endocrinologist, my spouse took that to mean that I would stay with him if he transitions. I'm really not sure why he thought this, but I told him being supportive doesn't mean we stay in this marriage, but being supportive means just that, support. He has stated in the past that his relationship with me is most important and that he wouldn't transition if I would leave, but then yesterday, he starts mentioning suicide again if he's not going to transition. Sigh. When he talks of suicide, nothing makes me more depressed. I suppose it's an easy decision then about what to do? He bought me flowers yesterday to apologize for the suicide talk and I told him, yep, he should definitely be apologizing for the suicide talk.

Anyway, I feel like things have come to a standstill and I'm a lady of action, so I feel better if we at least meet with a psychiatrist and then an endocrinologist. My spouse has mentioned that he wants to feel emotions and that perhaps going on hormones will help him with that. I feel skeptical about it, but I'm very interested to hear what the endocrinologist has to say. I don't really feel optimistic about the psychiatrist because my spouse has tried various medications before and he hates being on medication. So, I'm trying to be realistic about that.

On other news, I read this really great article by Lisa Thompson, Caitlyn Jenner's former spouse who she had told about her gender dysphoria about. She speaks about the experience with a lot of love, but is also honest about the realities.

https://www.huffingtonpost.com/linda-thompson/bruce-jenner-linda-thompson_b_7080918.html

Gutted 12/02/2017

This was 2 months before he came out on the Dianne Sawyer show. Interesting that she was comfortable speaking out so frankly, but even at that late stage in the game was still using using his male name and male pronouns.

Sylph 12/02/2017

Hi Cora, the suicide talk must be so worrying. I see a lot on the trans forums that for many it was 'transition or die'. That isn't the case for my guy, thankfully. He's never suffered from serious depression, other than anxiety etc and has never been on any medication for it, Do you think your husband means it? Or is he trying to make you feel guilty if you don't stay with him? Does he still have the hope that you will stay, even if he transitions? Do you think that would be possible? He sounds like he's very scared of his feelings, and of a future without you, as you must be too.
I'm like you - I've been trying to move things forward, I hate being stuck in limbo. I found the therapist and set up our sessions. I'm the one who insisted he shows me his female self. He is quite happy to just keep things as they are and 'see how it goes'. While I really don't want him to go any further than he already has, I do need to know the true situation. I still wonder how much he is keeping from me :(
Hope things go well for you both and you can move forward with it all.
Take care xxx

Gutted 12/02/2017

In regards to suicide, I just want to remind everyone not to underestimate that piece by thinking it's a play for sympathy or manipulation. Though most people who talk about suicide don't complete, an extremely high percentage of individuals who take their own lives have threatened it or spoken of it in advance.

As we are aware from the article suicide rates for transgender individuals is significantly higher than the general population. I don't know the age of anyone's spouse but the older an individual is the higher their success rate is when they attempt, especially if they are over 50 or so.

Out of people who attempt, males are much more likely to complete than females.

Also, people have a tendency to disregard suicide threats made while someone is intoxicated, thinking it's just the alcohol talking. The fact is drugs and alcohol are present in a disproportionate percentage of completed suicides.

Hell, I don't know if any of that is helpful information, but I used to train 911 operators in handling suicidal calls, so I tent to regurgitate suicide facts with very little provocation.

gallinarosa 12/04/2017

Cora, it sounds like your husband needs professional help and you are doing the right thing by pushing for it. You both sound like you need some self-care too. I'm not sure what a professional would say, but I would wonder if you can just put correcting him about supporting vs. staying on the back burner until he is more stable. Not lying to him but maybe not being so diligent about correcting his mis-assumptions. Just temporarily. That is one reason why I like having the same therapist, because she is good at helping figure out when and how to communicate the harder things because she knows both of us and is looking out for both of us and our relationship.

Good luck. Keep us posted.

Cora 12/07/2017

Slyph-- I'm not sure if he's serious, but I'm guessing it gives him a feeling of control. He likes to think of himself as a very logical person but I think he has a hard time understanding his emotions and feelings--and perhaps those of others. I told how that discussion made me feel and he told his therapist that he had no idea that it made me feel that way. Sometimes this makes me really scared, not because that he will commit suicide, but he absolutely has no foundation to fall back on. Like, if I do leave, he'll act all surprised and sad about it, even though he needs to comes to grips with his new identity as a gay woman.

GR--I'm a horrible liar. LOL. We did talk recently about how he feels bad about what he is putting me through and the sense of shame he feels. I told him not to worry about that (although yes, he should feel bad about shaving years off my life lolsob), but if he does feel shame, he can talk about it with me. There's nothing for him to feel ashamed about; he's a very successful and well-liked person with lots of accomplishments under his belt. That will stay the same once he transitions.

Anyway, I guess ultimately, me leaving or staying depends on whether he wants to take hormones or not, so any discussions about that depend on when/if he wants to take them. That needs to be squared away first.

gallinarosa 12/08/2017

Cora, if only I could practice what I preach. I am a horrible liar too. I think our therapist sensed how my husband would overreact to things I said, so she asked me to come in alone to talk so I could say what I need to. Of course, I went home afterwards and he asked what we talked about. At first I would kind of gloss over it, but he would pick and pick and eventually I told him nearly everything -- bad move. So yeah, no blame here... hahaha!

I can believe he wouldn't understand how badly it would affect your spouse if you told them that you are going to commit suicide...?

Hang in there!

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