Spouses of Transgender Community Group
Being transgender it's not easy but neither for their spouses. This group is created with the intention of helping and getting to know others that are in. the same situation or to just educate those that are on the other side of the fence and want to know how does it feel or how would it feel to be a spouse of a transgender person. The main objective of this group is...
Hello everyone.
I posted on this board about 6 months ago and then disappeared soon after. A lot has changed over this time. Shortly after my original post, my spouse decided to fully transition. Well, according to her (I’m really trying to get used to these pronouns), it was not a choice. She fought it for a very long time trying to find a compromise, but in the end, she couldn’t fight the transition. She was already taking estrogen, and things seemed to be going ok. She seemed happy living her life as “non binary.” But, once she started taking progestin, everything changed. Her behavior changed, her sexual orientation started to shift, and she could no longer compromise her transition. It was like I was married to a 13 year old teenager who was crying in my arms every other day. It was probably the most difficult 1-2 months of my life. Despite being attracted to men, she had no desire to date, was still was madly in love with me, attracted to me, and wanted us to stay married. Of course, she felt this way, because I was not the one who changed, she was the one who changed.
It took a couple of months of serious fighting and discussions for her to accept the fact that this transition will eventually mean losing our marriage. I still love this person from the bottom of my heart. And I honestly, can’t imagine my life without them. But I also cannot imagine what our new life will be like. At this point, we are sleeping in different bedrooms, but other than that, everything is still the same. We still spend all our time together, we still cuddle and say “I love you” and act like a married and “in love” couple. I promised to stay with her through the transition, but I also told her, I’m not sure how I will feel romantically, as this transition continues. All this is so confusing because I do not know if I should start distancing myself and creating boundaries, or if I should enjoy the love and romance we still have left over. We’ve slowly started to come out to our friends and family members, and they have been very supportive, which has taken a lot of the stress off my shoulders. But, I still go through ups and downs and cycle through good days and bad days.
What a difficult situation you are in! My spouse hasn't started hormones yet, but I feel like this is the scenario I will be dealing with once it starts. In some ways it seems like it would be easier to lose the affection for one another, but maybe that's a way to move forward into an amicable split? I am frustrated when my spouse asserts there is no way she will stop being attracted to women on hormones, but I know it is a possibility. I think setting boundaries is important if there are specific areas where you feel uncomfortable. I'm guessing sleeping separately was one way of setting boundaries for you that wasn't too disruptive. I don't see it as an either/or situation necessarily if you are still having good days together.
Just a question: what was the "breaking point" for you as far as not wanting to stay together after the transition? I think this is a really hard part for all of us, and is very individual. For me at this point, it would be feeling my partner was no longer committed to the marriage. Which seems hard to define, but I hope I would know when it happened.
Hugs! I know this is confusing and scary, but you're doing your best!
I haven't posted in a while either, it's been a difficult time.
My partner also fought transition for a long time. It turns out my partner actually discussed transition with a friend over 25 years ago. Instead of coming to me with the struggle, my partner kept the secret. I feel as though I've been cheated out of creating of what could have been a new life for both of us. Now, at age 66, if feels too late.
My partner too is having a difficult time accepting that transition means the end of our marriage. I feel very strongly that our marriage ended when my partner started keeping secrets and making decisions about transition without me. Without telling me, my partner started living and dressing as a woman last year while away from home taking care of his mother. I only found out when it looked as if my mother-in-law was going to die and I going to visit. I realized then that I was no longer his/her primary relationship; the relationship with her trans self became primary. (I'm getting use to new pronouns too.)
We have seen a lawyer and are in mediation to officially end our marriage. I am heart sick that our 44 year marriage is ending this way. Neither of us can create new lives for ourselves if we live together. I have to grieve the loss of my husband and my marriage before I can be friends with this transwoman I don't really know. I also have to be as true to my gender and sexual orientation as my partner is. I have no desire to be in an intimate relationship with a woman.
Be well, Hugs to all.
This was huge for me. My ex dressed and kept all this from me while we were dating and through our entire marriage. I don't think a marriage can survive with such big secrets, and that means ours was doomed from the beginning. I feel so cheated. I can't say for sure I would have found my "happily ever after" if my spouse had been honest with me from the beginning, but at least I would have had a chance.
Yes, I think keeping the transition a secret would be very hard for me to accept as well. Thank you for sharing your experiences. Maintaining open communication is so critical, and so often, it seems our spouses choose to hide their transition. Whatever the intentions, it isn't healthy.
I so get what you are all saying with your partner keeping secretes from you. My husband did for over 20 years he knew he was transgender but didn't discuss it with me. He hid it and would dress when the kids and I were out.
When he did eventually tell me I was totally blind sided and didn't react very well ... And then that was thrown back on to me as not being supportive. He has left and we are separated now for nearly a year but I know he blames me for the marriage breakdown he has not taken any responsibility for it .... He did ask me to stay but I know I want to be with a man not a woman....
It took me putting pressure on him to tell the kids which he eventually did ...they took it suprisingly well although they don't choose to see him ( I still use him as he is not fully transitioned yet )
I have suffered
I am emotionally distroyed
Financially ruined
And physically worn out ...
But he can't or won't see that he has caused this
I have been seeing a psychologist which has helped greatly
Keep well and remember to look after yourselves you are important and your feelings and needs in life need to be taken into account at all times.
It does get better though.
I'm just sad for my kids as they don't really want to see him and they are missing out on a father ...I just hope this doesn't affect them in the future.
From everyones experiences that they have shared here I can see that most transgender men become very narcissistic which I can see happening to my ex spouse but that's his problem not mine ....
Thanks everyone stay strong and true to yourself